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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I being impatient?

23 replies

26mcjrfm · 12/04/2018 16:35

DP and I have been together just over 3 years now, and in that time we have had a baby and bought a house together. At the beginning of our relationship he told me he didn't see himself getting married - but since having our daughter 18 months ago and him knowing how much it means to me, we've chatted and he said he now would like to get married.

Now - we both have good jobs (thankfully) and we both put money in every month to a holiday fund, our child's savings, and our personal individual savings. We aren't saving for anything in particular, just for the future if we'd like to move our change car (neither expected in the next few years as we've just recently done both).

I had savings from before we met and have always been good with money, therefore when it came to buying the house I paid the deposit and all the furniture/decor/pots and pans etc. I didn't mind, and we both pay the mortgage equally.

My question is - am I being too impatient in hoping for a proposal soon? I have hinted recently and been greeted with "it's only been 3 years, we're in no rush". I feel a bit deflated. We've looked at rings (in passing) and I'm not expecting anything too expensive- we're talking 3 months worth of what he puts in to savings monthly. Considering he's not saving for anything in particular, and how much I have spent on our home. I honestly don't think 3 years for an engagement is "rushing".

I am totally fine with being told I'm being grabby and could have worse problems, and I appreciate that I am lucky.

OP posts:

category12 · 12/04/2018 16:43

What protections do you have in place for worst case scenarios like sudden death or illness? Do you have life insurances naming each other and wills, that sort of thing?

Original poster

26mcjrfm · 12/04/2018 16:46

We both haven't done a will yet, but we both have life insurance and critical illness insurance and have named each other next of kin.

OP posts:

privateporcupine · 12/04/2018 16:46

“Considering he's not saving for anything in particular, and how much I have spent on our home. I honestly don't think 3 years for an engagement is "rushing". “

Getting married isn’t just about having the money to do so, or who bought what. And you have done a lot in a three years.

HollowTalk · 12/04/2018 16:47

It's a bit of a joke that he was happy for you to get pregnant within a year of meeting him - something which will connect you for the rest of your lives - but thinks getting married after more than three years together is too soon (when you can divorce so easily if you wanted to.)

Original poster

26mcjrfm · 12/04/2018 16:50

private I appreciate that, and we have spoke about marriage and it's what we'd like. I just think "why wait?"
hollow it was an unplanned pregnancy but very much wanted. I'm on the same thought trail as you. Like what is the hold up if it's what we both want and we've done everything else now.

OP posts:

category12 · 12/04/2018 16:57

Talk to him again about getting hitched and start organising the wedding. Or wait for his proposal. I favour you getting on with it. It's not just up to him. It's a joint decision.

Mum4Fergus · 12/04/2018 17:19

I think it strange that you're waiting for a proposal. It's a big step so if you're both serious about it it should be up for open discussion. If either he (or indeed you) are not able to have that conversation then you need to reconsider your options.

SoapOnARoap · 12/04/2018 17:21

Why don’t you ask him, if it’s that important to you? At least you'll know, rather than being in limbo

Original poster

26mcjrfm · 12/04/2018 17:39

mum we have discussed it, we both want to get married. When I brought it up, he has suggested waiting. I just wanted to know was I being impatient or grabby wanting it sooner.
soap I love a bit of romance, and I actually would like him to do this one big things for me. We both want marriage, I just would like it sooner. I wouldn't know how to propose to a man - do you buy a ring / go down on one knee etc?

OP posts:

category12 · 12/04/2018 18:18

Waiting for what, exactly? Are you sure he wants marriage or is he just paying lip-service to it, because you want it?

You're not impatient or grabby (What's there to be grabby about? The ring?)

The gesture side of it - well, is he generally a romantic? What will it prove? Why do you need it proving?

Original poster

26mcjrfm · 12/04/2018 18:34

Yes he actually is quite romantic, he makes such an effort with birthdays etc. He knows I want to get married, and has said he would like to too. Only when I brought it up he said "what's the rush?". I would like to get married soon rather than later, I just don't think he does.
I honestly don't like the idea of proposing to him. He has told me that when he proposes he'll "go all out and make it a surprise". I don't mean to sound like a spoilt child, but I've sacrificed a lot for us. We live in his home town (2 hours from my family), I spent a lot of money on our home. We both work full time and jointly care for our daughter, but when on maternity leave I suffered PND as was extremely lonely being away from family when he was working.
Maybe I am being unreasonable in wanting a traditional proposal, and should open up to the idea of asking him?

OP posts:

FissionChips · 12/04/2018 18:42

Maybe I am being unreasonable in wanting a traditional proposal, and should open up to the idea of asking him?

Yes you are being unreasonable but only because it will in no way be traditional anyway, - you’ve had a child together, already bought a house and he knows you will agree.

Just tell him you want to set a date and buy a ring if you really want to.

Original poster

26mcjrfm · 12/04/2018 18:47

Yes I agree, we went completely topsy turvy on the normal progression of a relationship.
I'm just disheartened that he can't do this one thing for me, one question to ask and make effort on, one thing that will make me jump for joy. It's left up to me, again.

OP posts:

FissionChips · 12/04/2018 18:53

It’s sounds like there more to this than lack of proposal, what’s really the matter?

category12 · 12/04/2018 18:56

Do you feel like you're the driver in the relationship? Or the one who makes all the sacrifices?

Ratbagratty · 12/04/2018 19:02

I proposed to my now dh on the 29th Feb as it's a day in tradition that a lady can propose and the man can't refuse. I knew he wouldn't as he has been asking for years before that I made his favourite cake and used mini marshmallows in the shape of entwined rings. Showed it to him and he just burst out laughing!

Just ask! I don't think you are being impatient, I think marriage would give you and your family more security.

Original poster

26mcjrfm · 12/04/2018 19:11

We are equal in everything in our relationship financially and regarding DD's care, and we do find time for each other and we are both in it forever (I hope).

I have sacrificed more in regards to where we live, but that's neither his fault nor mine.

I would like the security of marriage, and from the conversations we've had he would like to wait. I don't want to pressure him in to proposing sooner than he'd want to, yet I can't understand why he wants to wait. Perhaps I need to bring up the conversation on his time frame.
ratbagratty that sounds fabulous, he is a lucky man! Did you get a lot of questions from family and friends regarding it? The next 29 Feb isn't for another 2 years eeeeep.

We have a weekend away at the end of June planned, maybe I should wait until then and if nothing happens, approach the subject again?
Gosh I'm really sounding desperate now haha.

OP posts:

Sausagerollers · 12/04/2018 19:13

Why don't you just say "We've not got much on this weekend so I've arranged for us to see a few wedding venues, some cheap some more expensive so we can get an idea of what we want. Oh & by the way I need you to sign this document which ring-fences the deposit I put down on our house which covers me until we're married, here's a pen."

If he's happy to get married at some point then the venue visiting won't be a problem, and in case you don't get married you know your deposit is safe.

He can't have it both ways, you're either promising yourselves to each other for the rest of your lives and sharing everything (marriage). Or you're not, in which case you need to protect your assets.
P.s. he was a bit of a shit to let you suffer PND just so he could live where HE wanted, are you sure he's not a shit in other ways too?

category12 · 12/04/2018 19:21

"We have a weekend away at the end of June planned maybe I should wait until then and if nothing happens ..."

God no, then it'll be "my birthday", "his birthday", "our anniversary", "Christmas", "New Year", "Valentines" - you really don't want to spend too much time anticipating this.

Have an adult conversation about timescale.

Original poster

26mcjrfm · 12/04/2018 19:23

No, I already lived in this city for university before we met and had a lot of friends from university. Unfortunately the vast majority of my close friends have moved on, and there aren't many career opportunities in my hometown. PND was brought on by sheer loneliness I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

26mcjrfm · 12/04/2018 19:28

I really like your idea sausagerollers I think I'll be drawing up said document. It's not about the money at all, but may give him the kick up the bum. A conversation on time scale will come tonight, and if he gives "I don't know, just not now" I'll be going down the document line.

I feel embarrassed pestering him, it does come across quite desperate doesn't it? And if he does propose, will I be thinking he's only done it as I keep bringing it up?

I guess I would've just loved a surprise. I'm not asking for anything extravagant.

OP posts:

Atticusss · 12/04/2018 19:38

You do sound desperate. Why are you so fixated on marriage? Marriage isn't for everyone, you can't pressure him into it.

Original poster

26mcjrfm · 12/04/2018 19:52

atticusss personally, I like the idea of marriage as a binding of our love and family, for security and to share the surname of my DP and DD.

I understand it's not for everyone, but that doesn't make my desire to marry any less. We have both discussed it and it's what we both want, so should we not get married as it's not for everyone?

I realise I do sound desperate. Having the time scale convo once DD goes to bed.

OP posts:

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