Emotionally drained and ready to call quits

[PlaydoughBarbershop]

First ever post. I am in my 30s as is dp of 13 years. We have 2 children aged under 10. For the past 2 years, dp has been having nights out every few weeks with friends, watching the match, birthdays etc. No problems with that, I love a night in with some wine and a box set. But these nights out have started to drag out later and later. Used to come in at 2am, no big deal, I am asleep and he was still getting up with the kids and me. Now it's more like 6am or 7am. On 3 occasions it has been over 24 hours of drinking and house parties. Over Easter weekend, he went out on Friday for a meal with a group of men, came home on Sunday at 2am. I rang him all day Saturday, as he had taken the car keys and me and the kids needed to go out, and he simply said 'I'm in xxxxx's with the lads playing ps4, watching the boxing and drinking. I'm doing no harm... see you soon'. I trust him 100% and don't dispute where he is. The problem is the fucking childish behaviour and complete lack of respect. He acts like a teenager coming and going as he pleases. He is a fantastic father and seems to think that a few days of being to token dad will get him out of the woods everytime he plays truant. I am broken as a person. I do EVERYTHING at home and work my arse off. He works long hours so feels he is entitled to a blow out 'every so often'... which is working out every fortnight. He went out on Tuesday and came in at 6am on Wednesday, then left for work at 7am! (Thankfully he didnt drive but still fucking irresponsible!) Last night I finally lost it. I have anxiety and am on medication but had an anxiety attack whilst on my own with the kids (half term). He just apologised and says it won't happen again and he is not drinking at all any more..... For the 100th time. He has nowhere to go and I love him to bits, when he isn't going out, but I'm a broken woman trundling through life and covering for him to my family and am on the edge. Sorry for the long post and I don't even know what I am posting for but I have very few friends and can't see how much longer I can keep a brave face on x

Stop covering for him. You need help and support. You won't get it if nobody knows.

He has loads of places to go, he's in other places all the damn time. In any case, the world is full of places to go so an adult man can find somewhere if he has to. Don't make that bit your problem.

Your definition of fantastic father is very different to what I (or my children) would regard as a fantastic father.

What do you want to happen?

He is a fantastic father

Er, no he isn't.

He's out on the lash (and must be doing drugs to be able to drink for 24 hours at a time). Literally p*ssing family money down the drain.

He has nowhere to go

Yes he does, he can stay with one of his pisshead mates. Anyway, not your problem.

I love him to bits, when he isn't going out

WHY!?!?! He doesn't DO anything. You said yourself you do EVERYTHING at home.

Seriously, read your post back to yourself. If this was a friend saying this to you, what would you advise them?

If this was happening to a friend, I would be shaking her and begging her to see sense and end it! I am on such a high dose of medication for anxiety (which I commenced following a night out he had where he wasn't home when I left for work and took the kids to school the following morning). It has removed all sense of emotion that I ever had. I cannot cry, I just get anger that is hard to contain. I am treading water and playing the role of mum, nanny, chef, cleaner and still trying to be ME. I don't even know who I am anymore... and I'm only 30. We can't cope financially without him and I don't know a life without him in it. I'm scared

He is a fantastic arsehole and nothing more.
Except cocklodger /man - child.
And you are best rid .

I know it's scary, but you will be OK. You can do this. And it won't be with the 'where is he/is he coming home' being in limbo all the time stress.

We can't cope financially without him

It might be tight but you will get help. And he will need to give you maintenance and child support.

First thing is please stop covering for him with your family. Talk to them and let them know what is going on. ALL of the pressure is on you at the moment and that's not fair.

He isn’t a fantastic dad if he took the car without any thought for anyone else. People do deserve time out but need to be considerate of others

His family know but everything falls of dead ears. I try and sugarcoat it to my parents because I am a people pleaser and don't like the thought of them bad mouthing him. How pathetic is that?! I would rather take shit from both sides and take the burden than throw him to the wolves. which is what he deserves.
I'm like a ticking time bomb of anxiety. I can't breathe. I am at my desk at work trying to get a full breath and my palms are sweating

OP
You know you cannot cope any longer like this.
Make some enquiries about what benefits you are entitled to as a single working parent .You will have that plus child maintenance.
You won't have the sorry of what he is up to and when he is coming home.
You will survive and be happy,as a single mum.

You think you won't cope financially without him - but you will. He will have to pay child support. Things may be tight but surely you and the DC would be better off emotionally. And ask yourself - can you continue to cope mentally any longer with him? Doesn't sound like it.

He is a dreadful father. He puts his laddish behaviour above the welfare and well-being of his wife and children. He is acting like a single man with no responsibilities.

Finally - stop covering for him. He needs to own his own conduct and face the consequences of his actions. Which won't happen while you continue to cover for his sorry arse.

I know I will cope. I just don't know how the kids will feel. I have hidden everything from them and made excuses (dad has already left for work etc) so it would be such a shock for them. They are only 8 and 3

And they test me so much sometimes and to think about making it a permanent thing to man the fort alone terrifies me ☹

If he really has tried to give up drinking then he may have a problem, which sadly is nothing you can fix.

Perhaps the wake up of you getting him to leave will help him...but keeping it a secret won't.

Do please tell your family, let someone support you.
30 is so young and you have the potential of a great life ahead of you.

Do you own the house or rent?

My parents technically own the house a we pay the mortgage. Just to make things even more complicated. I don't want to do him short and we have paid for so long as a partnership and for him to have to leave and get nothing back seems unfair. But then this is the people pleaser in me

What a joke of a partner and father, sorry OP, you need to raise your bar, this is completely out of order.

You need to draw on what ever reserves you have got left and tell him to choose. Family life or single life. No in between here. You are stronger than you know and you can do this.

Thank you so much everyone. I think I have just become so used to his selfish fucking ways and lack of understanding that I can't seem to see any other way of living. I feel like I'm watching my life as a fly on the wall and my heart is aching.

Ignore his family, you need to talk to your parents about what's going on and stop worrying about being a 'people pleaser'. They will want what's best for you and the DC.

You don't have to stitch him up or throw him out without a penny, that's what mediation and lawyers are for - to work things out fairly.

But you do need to do something and soon. You sound right on the edge.

Why are you pleasing everyone around you. The only people you need to please are the kids & yourself. You need to take hold of the situation before you have a massive attack which finds you hospitalised.

Pack a bag for the dp, tell him to go & you will be in touch. When you feel stronger speak to dp regards keeping the roof over the dc head & maintenance. As you have kids under 18 and he is working he will need to give you maintenance. Tell your parents what is happening so they know and talk to them regards the problems.

If do is left to get away with these behaviours he will do it again and again. You should be entitled to working tax credits as you work.

Good luck

I agree with others, he’s not a good father or partner, he wouldn’t leave you alone all weekend without a care in the world if he was. Leaving you without the car whilst he’s drinking and doing god knows what and not even using it? He’s got you right where he wants you. I’m not surprised your a broken woman. You deserve so much more, don’t wake up to this 10 years down the line having wasted your youth on this immature man Child who wants you to be his mummy.

You don't have any assets either! It is your parents house. You got cheap rent, the exact amount of the mortgage. If you'd had a private rental would you have given half the rent paid for years back to DP upon splitting up?

He lived there. He had his cheap rent.

Could you present him with an ultimatum? Would he care?