What would you do?

[Mum2girls12]

To cut a long story short.

My children's dad & I were together for 8 years. Not the best of relationships but were young, stupid & children from a dysfunctional home trying to love & parent when neither of us had a clue how to be healthy adults. It ended badly for us & had to go through family courts for him to have child access.

We had split for 2.5 years with no hope of ever getting back together (this is important).

During the last year he began counselling, attending support groups, showing massive responsibility for his behaviour resulting in our relationship going so horribly wrong - as did I have to. I'm not/ wasn't perfect.
He'd changed, despite all odds and my pushing to see the old ways he had changed.
I went through a lot of grieving in therapy that our relationship was over however after spending time with him with our children I thought "hey, maybe we could give this one more try now... as adults". With guidance from my therapist I had to be sure but we have now been back together for 8 months... here's the catch ... during the time we weren't together (he had totally freedom if he chose to be with others) he had a brief thing with a woman that resulted in pregnancy. Baby is now 8 months & was born as we had made the decision to get back together.

At first it was great, now I'm consumed by outside judgement that I'm stupid for ever getting back with him and accepting his child that isn't mine.

I feel lost, withdrawn. I love him, I know he loves me. He would do anything for me & proves that everyday. Yet I feel like the rose tinted glasses are starting to lift and listening to everyone on the outside that tell me I should leave it be.

So my question is - could you make it work?

When you say you’re ‘consumed by outside judgement’ - you mean people are telling you that you’re stupid for getting back with him and accepting his child? Why do their opinions matter?

I would say ignore what anyone else thinks. You have made a decision based on what you know of him, which is all the good stuff as well as the bad. You made the decision to try again for your DCs and for yourselves, so you are the only people whose opinion on this matters.

Yes it adds a layer of complication to proceedings, but no more so that in any 'second' relationship where there are step-children present. If you had moved on and met another man most likely he would already have his own DCs and you would have to deal with the practical and emotional issues that situation presented.

FWIW I split with my DP a few months ago, we were both adamant it was over permanently and moved on to start talking to other people. We met up a week ago and have decided to try again. Neither of us had got to the stage where we had got physical with anyone else, but TBH if we had, we would just have to get over it, because in the words of Ross from Friends "We were on a break!!"

I would suggest almost treating this as if it were a new relationship rather than the continuation of the old one. (In fact I have a feeling I will try to frame it like this when I finally tell friends and family about my situation!) Given that you've had a decent length break to make some changes and to learn to live without each other you are clearly not just getting back together out of habit or desperation, its a choice.

I wish you lots of luck and strength to concentrate on what's important and not to be derailed by people who don't know the two of you like you know each other.

That's exactly it yes ... some days I'm firm in my choice. I'm happy when his daughter comes over for visits (even if it is overwhelming at times) but people say to me "imagine what it would be like for this little girl feeling like the odd one out that dad got his family back". That hit me and has hit me hard.
Mum is already with someone yet I feel like I'm being selfish for putting myself and my family first. DP knows something's up, I still grieve the first family we had but slowly accepting the new.

@myrelationshipswierd - I couldn't agree more. My friends have told me it's to be treated as new & not punish him for his choices when neither of us knew we'd be together again.

I have a habit of letting others in to my head, makes me stop in my tracks and doubt all choices/decisions I've made and just makes me want to run in the other direction.

Big commitment phobe!!

Hmmm. Normally I'd be saying give it a go but this sounds dodgy. When you say 'his behaviour', was he abusive?

And this other woman. He got back together with you as she was having his baby? Alarm bells!

Surely he should be 'giving it a go' with her? How does she feel about this, is he giving her any support?

I think this is interesting and quite reflective of life.

If he truly has developed an interest in self reflection and is willing to keep on changing and growing up, then you have probably more chance than in another relationship tbh. I love people who look at themselves and their behaviour.

During the time you were apart, he did this and now there is the new child, well that's how the cookie has crumbled. I think in years to come it will all settle down and become normal.

I'd just ride it out and have quiet good days where everything just settles down. X

He was depressed as was I.
Both controlling & very immature.

He chose not to be in the baby's life at first. Of course I disagreed and after many discussions whilst apart he chose to be there for the baby.
I get along with babies mum, he supports her financially and we see the baby every week.

@something2say - I also have this opinion. I'm studying as a counsellor & self awareness is a must. He's very reflective on his life, mistakes & choices.

He was his own person to be with other people, I chose to focus on my children, studies & going from being a SAHM to getting my first job & flourishing so dating was not on the table.

You were split for a long time. He did nothing wrong. Neither of you have anything to be ashamed of. And people can change and grow more aware.

I've realised since being in a controlling relationship that I was a bit controlling in my first proper relationship. I will never be like that again because having been a victim of it, I'd never do that to anyone else.

Thanks for the insight x

I dont understand what people on the outside could say to you to be honest or their comments about the baby being an outsider. As long as you welcome his ds/d and their is no issue with the relationship you have to the childs mother then whats the problem?

@sometimeitrains people view it that im wrong for accepting his new dd, it makes me then question my judgement if I am wrong. It's not like he got with someone on a swift break and impregnated her.. we were split a long time and never thought we'd get back together.
I guess other people do have a strong influence over my choices and make me feel ashamed even when I'm happy x

I can’t see how his new baby is going to feel left out growing up, unless you make her feel unwelcome, which it sounds like you are not doing

If he truly has grown up then I wouldn’t fret too much about other things.
At the end of the day only you know if it’s working out or not

Sounds like these people you talk about need to wind their necks in. What would they prefer you to do, play the role of wicked stepmother. The baby isnt responsible for the situation you are in.

It is hard to accept that your partner had a relationship with someone else, particularly if ylthings appeared unfinished between you. However you said its been two years with a complete break. You have chosen to give it another go and that wont work if you let other people dictate how it works.

However If you in yourself have concerns that is something different?

@sometimeitrains
No I'm just easily led by others choices (people pleasing). I assume others know what's best for me. Hearing encouraging comments on here have helped the anxiety ease x

I think that you’re being very brave and strong, you are definitely trying to do the right thing by the baby.
It won’t be easy but you both seem to have matured during the time you were apart.
I’m guessing that the snide and nasty comments are coming from your disfunctional family, your friends seem to be supportive so it’s not them.
If I’m right then try not to give too much thought to comments from people who appear not to have been very good parents.
You’ve both been through so much and are coming out the other side.
I wish you the very best for you and your new, blended family.
Well done 💐💐

If you're going to overthink anything maybe it should be the motives of the people making you doubt yourself rather than your own decisions, which for the record sound perfectly reasonable and considered to me. Both you and DP sound like you've worked hard to get to a place where you can be together and to figure out how to make things work with the baby and it's a shame other people are clouding that for you.

I get that it's hard not to let them (I'm a people pleaser too) but I think it might be more useful to put your mental energy into trying to find ways to strengthen your self belief and confidence in your decisions rather than wearing yourself out questioning your own judgement.

I don't see any reason this can't work, plenty of 'unconventional' family set-ups do and it's not for others to say you're wrong for trying. You sound very switched on and self aware, use that emotional intelligence to build yourself up so you're strong against the naysayers instead of letting them knock you down.

Only You know what's right for You.
I think you're amazing.
You are doing the right thing.
It will work out.
That little baby is so lucky to have you.
Keep tight hold of your happy feelings. You deserve it x