living abroad, elderly parents and issues with brother

[IamAporcupine]

I live in the UK. My mother ad my (half) brother live in a European country (which is not our home country). Mum is >85, I am in my 40's and my brother is ~20 years older than me.
I work full-time for a university, DH currently works part time and we have a 5yo son. We have no other family around.
My brother works independently (teaching and consultancy), has recently (well relatively) re-married and has grown up children (who also live in the same city)

My relationship with my mum is not great. I try to make the most of it now but there are deep rooted issues that have never been resolved. We talked about it loads and loads but nothing really helped. My brother's relationship is even worse. He never tried to work it out.

A couple of years after I left our home country (20 years ago!) my mum decided to move to where my brother was. At the time he said: "well, you looked after her for many years, maybe now it is my turn!"

Fast forward 10 years and he started to get resentful. He once told me that he was happy to deal with the day to day stuff but that he would leave all the important issues that might appear to me. I said I was happy to try that, and do as much as I could.

That year my mum had to move house. She hired a moving company, but when I arrived there were still loads to do. I stayed up all night. She moved the next day and I stayed for about a week helping her unpack and settle in her new home. My brother only turned up the last day and almost told me off for doing too much.

A year or so after that I got pregnant and I traveled much less. Same for the first couple of years after my son was born. I did say to him that I would not be able to help as much, and that at the time my son was my priority.

Then I started to travel more regularly again, maybe every 2-3 months just to visit her. I also took her to the doctors in a few occasions and was over there 3 times in a month last year when she was in hospital.

For the past 3 years we go on holiday together for 7-10 days over the summer. I have not spent Xmas/NYE with her in many years (we actually do not celebrate Xmas) but we travel during December and try to have a mock celebration with all the family.

I really do not know if I do enough, but I do what I am happy with, given our relationship and my circumstances. However, my brother is growing more and more resentful, both towards me and also towards our mum. Not only he wants me to do more, but he wants me to do it his way (eg the house move).

I should say that she is in general good health (although getting more frail of course), she lives independently and still works a few hours a week.

He is very annoyed because he feels that she reproaches him for not spending more time with her (he probably sees her every two weeks or so) whereas she is happy enough with my efforts and does not usually complain to me. I understand this is annoying, but I do not think it is my fault?

We had an awful argument yesterday where he basically told me that all I do is making excuses and he does not 'believe' what I say. Including a time when I confided in him that I was going through a very rough patch with DH and had some MH issues. It made me feel like shit.

Is there any way out of this?
How much other people living abroad 'help' with elderly parents?

omg, omg, apologies for the assay!!!!

I think this was a really bad idea.
I will leave it for a bit to see if anyone has the energy to read it!

We had the same sort of situation where pil moved to basically support my bil with childcare. As they grew older, the pil needed more care, one in particular and my bil became resentful. I think it’s normal. We could go and see the pil, but my bil is 5 minutes away, we’re hours away.

I’m afraid your brother will have to suck up the fact that you have a life in another country, your mum is near him so the majority of the dealings will be with him. Does he expect you to simply drop life and go there? It’s not reasonable of him.

It certainly sounds like you're doing enough considering the circumstances. I can see why your brother is resentful, but it's wrong of him to take it out on you.

I'd concentrate on how you can support your DM and let your B get on with it personally.

Hi porcupine, I've seen MUCH longer posts and not as clearly written, so don't worry! I also think your brother has to accept that you don't live near enough and anyway can't do what he'd like you to do. Also I imagine him being so much older maybe makes it hard for you to stand up to him? You sound to me like you do quite a lot taking everything into consideration.

But it's going to get trickier as she ages, so maybe the three of you need to have some difficult conversations about how she's going to manage. So many of these problems arise because people don't want to plan for getting frail but pretend it won't happen to them. You sound kind and thoughtful even though you've had a difficult relationship with her. Is your DH supportive of your decisions of how to handle this?

You live in different countries and you have a job, a husband and a young child who have to be your priorities.

Your mother chose to move abroad so, harsh as it sounds, she must make her own arrangements. You really can't be expected to drop everything and fly out there to sort stuff out (although I'm not sure what it is you're supposed to be sorting out). I'd be honest about what you can and can't be expected to do, and leave your DM and DB to sort themselves out whilst providing what support you can within the constraints of your own life.

I think you do well going there every 3 months plus holidays. Thats a lot. Does your dm have a cleaning lady and generally help around with her garden etc? The one who lives nearest is always treated the worst as they get taken for granted. But thats not your problem. Its important you realise that you can't tell your db what to do and when it comes to decisions later on about her care he will have most say, l believe. Have elderly parents is usually stressful so l would let his remarks go over my head. When l cared for elderly parents at home my db regularly told me how grateful he was that l was there and that appreciation helped a lot. He visited once a year.

Wow, you do LOADS! Given all your other commitments and the distances involved, you have nothing - NOTHING - to reproach yourself for.

Your brother is in his 60s and frankly sounds like an old fart; and expecting a woman to smooth his path.

You do enough. She's his mother too. He can 'resent' all he wants, and you should ignore it.

oh thank you so much to everyone who read and replied!

I am busy now, I will come back in a bit to answer some of the questions

@onalongsabbatical, thanks!
Yes, definitely, I cannot stand up to him. I also feel criticised by in my personal choices etc. Our relationship is not easy either.
Agree we should have a proper conversation but I doubt it is going to happen. He is just not interested in discussing things.

My mother is also in complete denial and thinks her lack of energy is something temporary and that 'she will get better'....
She has just got a call letting her know that a retirement flat became available (she has been waiting for a while) and is now having second thoughts...!

@RatherBeRiding, I'm not sure what it is I am supposed to be sorting out either!

@junebirthdaygirl, yes she has a cleaning lady and someone who does shopping and a bit of cooking too.

I will never dream of telling my brother what to do but I should probably thank him more.

@WhereYouLeftIt, thanks you made me laugh!

I think the main problem with him and his resentment is that he definitely does not want to look after her. He does not like her.
He asked me once why I didn't bring her to live with me. That would be the perfect solution for him.

Oh my giddy aunt, do NOT move her in with you! That's just your brother wanting to wash his hands of his mother completely. I'm sure he'd love to offload his guilt at seeing her just once a fortnight when she moved countries to be near him, but that's his problem and he doesn't get to make it yours.

Encourage her to move to the retirement flat. Beyond that, let her be.
She's lived there for nearly 20 years, that's where her friends and life are She'd lose all that if she moved countries again. Tough if your brother doesn't like it, again that's his problem.

You already don't have a great relationship with him - is that really a concern? I know that sounds harsh, but he's not part of your day-to-day life, and at 20 years older he's not even part of your generation! He's never going to be your pal, so don't disadvantage yourself looking for his approval, you'll never get it. Just get on with your life and leave them to get on with theirs.

thanks WhereYouLeftIt

No, I never really had a relationship with my brother, he left when I was 5yo. My mother always wanted us to be closer and I have tried to build links with him, but as you say we are not even the same generation. I feel I am constantly trying to please him or to make him like me or accept me.
I think I've had enough, after the things he said the other day, I am done.

In my experience you end up doing a lot more if you are the DC that lives nearer. You don't mention how much your DB does, but quite possibly he sees your DM a few times pw and may have to help her to hospital appointments etc.I think you need to talk to him. I don't understand the comment about looking after your DM 20 years ago, did she need looking after in her early 60s? Many people that age are still at work (as your DB is now).

LadyLapsang he says he sees her every other week. She tends to go doctor appointments on her own, but he goes with her if it is something more important (eg when she had eye surgery).
I am sure he does more than me, he is there and I am not.

Re. the comment - no, she didn't need looking after in her 60s (although she was bedridden for several months after a nasty accident). I think he meant it as 'I'd been at the receiving end of all her 'issues', now it was his turn'. (I know this probably does not make sense!)