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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is there more to life than this?

7 replies

Ineedabreak89 · 11/04/2018 22:29

I’m 30. My mum has been ill for two years now, a seemingly never ending cycle of treatment, surgery, hope, followed by utter disappointment. It looks like she’ll be with us for a long time now but she’s been left disabled, depressed, anxious, just a different woman. My dad has been brilliant but has aged 10 years at least and is almost a broken man. It’s taken a big toll on me too, I had never imagined sth like this happening to her/us.
I got married a year ago. I can’t stand him. We get along amazingly for a while and then we start fighting for a few weeks. He’s mean, needy and can treat me like absolute shit. I have no respect for him and the biggest reason for me staying is that i know he can’t cope without me, his mental health is very fragile. But I can be pretty selfish and cold too. I wanted to break it off ages ago, before the wedding, but it was all too much and I didn’t have the guts to call it off. So now I’m stuck. On my way into work every day I fantasize about tells my coworkers I’m getting a divorce (I take off my wedding ring every morning and put it back before I come home).
I like my job but it’s long hours and stressful and I am fucking up left right and centre. DH would looooove it if I gave it up, he wants me home more.
I feel guilty, frustrated, horrible, miserable all the time. And I can’t see it get any better. My parents are only getting older. I’m getting older and fatter and less desirable. I used to want children but I now can’t imagine ever wanting the domestic drudgery and heartache that comes with taking care of a person. I would have killed myself months ago but that would kill my mum.
I used to be a high achiever, healthy, and the most positive person in the room. Now I’m just fat and weird (I’ve lost my confidence so act funny around people now...). I have very little emotion left in me, I feel so empty. That’s it.

OP posts:
OrangeCrush19 · 12/04/2018 07:26

Do you think you might be depressed? That empty feeling you describe makes me wonder. Go and talk to your GP. You’ve been though a hell of a lot and you need time and support to recover.

From what you’ve said, I think you should leave your husband. You’re fantasising about divorce after only a year? It’s not going to get any better. And his mental health is not your responsibility. Leave and focus on you for a while Flowers

Drycleanonly7 · 12/04/2018 07:26

Oh you really do need a break. I am so sorry you have all that going on in your life. May I ask if you love your husband? It would help if you started to put yourself first and find a little chink of something that is good for just you in life. Confidence in yourself is important. What do you enjoy? I don't really have a massive solution for you but I hear why you might be feeling as you do. Can you talk directly to your husband about what you are going through and both look at what causes the rows? I hope things get better for you soon. Remember you are important and need to be taken care of too; even if that is giving yourself some space and a break.

Ryder63 · 12/04/2018 07:34

the biggest reason for me staying is that i know he can’t cope without me, his mental health is very fragile

As is yours atm. You are not responsible for his MH issues. You are responsible for your own happiness though. Leave him, and find some!

Ineedabreak89 · 12/04/2018 09:21

The thing is, we have two massive family holidays coming up...a weekend away visiting his grandparents and then is, his parents and mine are supposed to go on this big expensive trip in July. If we split, what happens? I’m thinking of paying my in-laws for their portion so they don’t come (it’s in a place my parents have always dreamed of going to, they booked the holiday and then it turned into this massive thing by us tagging along).
I also feel guilty becuase DH has been doing much better the past month. He’s really trying. The cause of our rows are his anger - he’s a very angry and frustrated man and takes it out on me. He’s trying hard but I can’t forgive him. There was this one point last year when my mum got some really bad news, I went home and cried like a baby for hours. He was supportive but then that evening got angry because I hadn’t tidied up something and shouted at me for 2 hours - not exaggerating. It was awful, it took me days to get myself together (this was a week before our wedding btw). Everything always ends up being about him. And I always end up being the bad guy. Even now, I’m going through all of this and it’s somehow all about him showing me how hard he’s trying to be good.

OP posts:
Ineedabreak89 · 12/04/2018 09:23

And yes, I am depressed. I’m trying to do things for myself but the effect is temporary. I saw friends at the weekend, got my hair done, started to go to the gym. I feel better for a few hours and then I remember what a mess my life is.

OP posts:
Ineedabreak89 · 12/04/2018 09:25

Thank you for your supporting messages. I really needed to get it off my chest somehow. I can’t tell any friends in real life because it’s somehow happened that all my current friends are those who are also his friends. I don’t have my own friends anymore.

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 12/04/2018 09:28

I'm no expert OP but you do sound very depressed to me. I would suggest you see a doctor because this will be your 1st step on the path to creating a better life for yourself.

I don't believe you are cold and selfish for a minute. This is unconscious self-preservation on your part, designed to help you get through each day.

You need to leave this man. You are not responsible for him and he is sucking the life out of you. It is not your job to care for him too. I suspect you will be able to cope better with your parents when this man is out of your life.

You cannot help anyone, or be of use to anyone, until YOU ARE OK WITH YOURSELF. Some people might think this is a selfish way to be - it's not. Focus on getting yourself in the right place and you will be amaze yourself at how powerful you are.

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