I’m 30. My mum has been ill for two years now, a seemingly never ending cycle of treatment, surgery, hope, followed by utter disappointment. It looks like she’ll be with us for a long time now but she’s been left disabled, depressed, anxious, just a different woman. My dad has been brilliant but has aged 10 years at least and is almost a broken man. It’s taken a big toll on me too, I had never imagined sth like this happening to her/us.
I got married a year ago. I can’t stand him. We get along amazingly for a while and then we start fighting for a few weeks. He’s mean, needy and can treat me like absolute shit. I have no respect for him and the biggest reason for me staying is that i know he can’t cope without me, his mental health is very fragile. But I can be pretty selfish and cold too. I wanted to break it off ages ago, before the wedding, but it was all too much and I didn’t have the guts to call it off. So now I’m stuck. On my way into work every day I fantasize about tells my coworkers I’m getting a divorce (I take off my wedding ring every morning and put it back before I come home).
I like my job but it’s long hours and stressful and I am fucking up left right and centre. DH would looooove it if I gave it up, he wants me home more.
I feel guilty, frustrated, horrible, miserable all the time. And I can’t see it get any better. My parents are only getting older. I’m getting older and fatter and less desirable. I used to want children but I now can’t imagine ever wanting the domestic drudgery and heartache that comes with taking care of a person. I would have killed myself months ago but that would kill my mum.
I used to be a high achiever, healthy, and the most positive person in the room. Now I’m just fat and weird (I’ve lost my confidence so act funny around people now...). I have very little emotion left in me, I feel so empty. That’s it.