Husband being cold and distant

[Shimmy87]

Shimmy87

Hi, first time I'm posting on here so hope it goes right.
I'm 6 months pregnant with my 2nd child. So far all has gone ok and baby very healthy, just my marriage isn't so healthy at the moment. When I was pregnant with my first DD my husband became quite cold towards me, I almost felt as though he didn't care. When I look back I can honestly say I didn't enjoy my pregnancy at all. Things didn't change much either when babba finally arrived. My DH, can we say has been far from a hands on dad. I've done everything for our DD since she was born. She is now 2 years old and he hasn't got up with her in the night once. Asking him to help me bath her feels more like a chore and I dread asking him.
Our relationship is usually solid, yes we have our arguments, but nothing too concerning.
So when we decided to talk about another child i was very reluctant to do it so soon. I was worried that he'd treat me like he did in my first pregnancy, and I was also concerned about doing everything single handed with 2 children. However, here I am 6 months pregnant with our 2nd, and my fears have proved me right. When my DH is good, He's amazing, but When he's having an off day hes unbearable to be around.
I've still not got any help what so ever from him with our DD and I'm really starting to struggle now being so far on. I can't ask him to help me, it just turns into a filthy argument. Weve just spent most of today not talking again. We both work, but I am only 3 days a week. I never get a day off with our DD not even a shower break as it seems too much trouble for him. His day off, is his day off. He makes sure he does nothing for that entire day. I'm feeling so low and I've already prepared myself to be caring for this next babba alone.
I honestly feel id be better on my own.
Any help, advice or anyone else that is going through this would be good to chat. Thank you.

Counselling sounds essential if your marriage is to survive. He seems completely selfish and childish. What are his family like?

This man isn't suited to parenthood.

When he suggested having another child, did you ask him if he would be actually parenting this one, or is he just hoping to keep you trapped by young children and unable to leave?

You must be exhausted

What justification does he give for his behaviour when you pull him up on it?

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like your DP is good or amazing, his behaviour during your pregnancy and his complete disinterest towards your daughter is disgraceful! Even if he can be nice to you at times, his complete lack of interest in his children is going to cause serious self-esteem issues with your dc later on!

Frankly, you, your dd and your little one deserve so much better! Your DH is meant to be your partner and should be sharing parenting! I breastfed my ds but my DH bathed our ds every night and changed every nappy, got him dressed and would hold him so I could eat/ shower/ sleep. My DH would dress our ds in his snowsuit and either bundle him up in our pram/ ds's car seat and either walk the local streets at night or drive until our boy was settled (I was exhausted and just needed time to shower/ have a hot bath/ feel human again before our baby was back and needing me again.). When our second arrived he would take both ds and dd out in the twin pram to save my sanity. We have been a team from the start, sharing parenting, cooking/ cleaning/ chores etc. I don't think my DH is a martyr for doing that, he was just being a parent, a bloody good parent but that should be the norm, not the exception! The time, love and attention my DH has given our children have created a fantastic bond between them. My dc love me and DH equally which is how it should be!

You need and deserve an equal partner, your dc deserve a loving father, who has their best interest at heart. You would honestly be better to bring your dc up as a loving single Mum who gives her all to her dc, than in a relationship where your DH is passive and showing absolutely zero love, devotion, compassion, care or interest in your dc.

He never really has a justification, only argues with me. This is where I think the problem lies, he was fostered as a child up until the age of 5 and then his birth father requested he go live with him here in England. My DH is from New Zealand. I met him whilst travelling Australia. I knew he always had a mood problem but it was nothing that I couldn't handle and he was amazing with me. He still is at times, as I said earlier, when he's good he's brilliant I just don't very often see that side. I know im losing feelings for him, and once I've lost them I never get them back. I know he would go back to live in New Zealand of we split and the thought of sending my girls all that way is unthinkable. I really hope though it does not come to that. I come from a broken family myself, and I always said if I ever had kids I'll make sure they never have to go through what I did.
I feel he is depressed living here in the UK, I agree it must be hard. I'm not asking for much though just a bit of help with the children. I can only hope and pray he sticks to his promise when new babba comes and does more. Thank you for your input ladies I appreciate your help and advice. X

You sound scared of him?? I’d be calling him out asking him why he’s not interested in caring for his kids, or looking after you while your pregnant with the baby he wanted you to have. It’s all about how you word things, ask him why he isn’t willing to be a parent, ask him why he isn’t willing to look after his own daughter while you have a shower, is he incapable of handling a 2 year old or can he just not be arsed to be a dad?

I’m recently single, but that’s an issue with what type of husband he was not dad, he is an amazing dad, very hands on, got up in the night, let me have sleep ins, his days off we’re never about him they were about the family. This is what good dads do.

Your partner sounds extremely selfish and childish. His number one priority is himself.

I'm not scared of him, I've had the very conversation with him time and time again, and he has no answer. All I get is a mouthful, I then get frustrated hence we then have a massive argument. It's not healthy for my girl and one on the way. I know id be better on my own, I'm just scared of the outcome. He cnt be bothered to care for her now, how would he be if we weren't together that's my concern.

If he cannot be bothered to care for her now then that same situation would arise too when you and he are apart and remain just as disinterested as he is now. His only concern is his own self.

What do you want to teach your DD and your as yet unborn child about relationships; surely not this model of a relationship.

Whatever you do OP, don’t agree to move to NZ. A friend of mine went to Australia in a similar situation. They split up and she now can’t movd back and is on her own with no family or friends.

Go it alone, he's all but useless, never ceases to amaze me how these men manage to get women to do everything for them, the bits they don't want to do but I'd have zero respect for any man who loathed to look after HIS own child, that alone is enough reason to get rid of him, he has some cheek.

There's no way he's going to want contact with his kids if you split. So remove that bit from the equation.

This man is not a father.

No @Shimmy87 no court in ANY land would require you to send your children to New Zealand!!!! Would never happen! Legally he would have to come to you, wherever the children are resident. That's the law.

If he'd go back to NZ then he'd be forfeiting his children. I don't believe for one minute he'd bother with them, from what you've said x