Domestic abuse course

[Rooftiles]

Hi,

My Ex has been ordered to attend a domestic abuse course. He hasn't ever admitted to anything and has said he won't accept the findings made by the court of domestic abuse. When cafcass interviewed him he told them I was lying and he never did any of the things that was bought up in the fact finding hearing.

Has anyone had any experience with this? I can't see how the course will change anything if he won't accept the abuse he did to me. Then how will I know DD (3yrs old) will be safe with him?

My husband (boyfriend at the time) had to attend an idap course. It was once a week for two or three hours. Talks about power and control triangles etc. It did seem to give him a better understanding of triggers etc. He did go onto assault me a few years later . But in arguments which would have turned violent the fact he had been on a course and would be hauled back on another one seemed to be enough to stop him (not he fact he didn't want to hurt me sadly) he did admit to the assault with the police and straight away in court though which i guess Is a key difference

Thank you for replying. I'm sorry it happened to you again even after the course.

I would like to believe the course would be successful but I really have my doubts mostly because he says I'm lying, therefore doesn't think he did anything wrong. I'm not with him but do worry DD witnessing things during contact in the future if he does the same to a future partner, or even to DD. At the moment he has supervised contact but I know he wants it to be unsupervised and will push for more time and over night stays in the future.

I suppose I will have to wait to see what happens on the course and for the report to be written at the end. It's been so stressful getting this far in family court and it seems like it'll never end. I just to be sure DD will be safe.

I would have a chat with Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Whose idea was it for him to have supervised contact in the first place?. CAFCASS?. Were you told to attend mediation with him?

You as well as your DD need to stay safe and with him being at all around that may not happen. He could also go on to further manipulate your child to get back at you as punishment for you having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

DV perpertrator courses have very, very low success rate and can make some men become even more skilled in abusing their chosen targets. Its no cure for domestic violence.

I would keep both you and your DD well away from this man now and in the future too. He should never have any unsupervised contact has already proved himself to be not trustworthy. Many abusive men never ever admit to any responsibility for their actions and say similar to what this man has told you.

Thank you for your messages. I feel that this will be a forever struggle to keep DD safe. I spoke to cafcass about what I do when DD is older and my ex says things about me that are lies. She said that part of that will be spoken about on the course. I think cafcass are doing their best to keep us safe and they recommended supervised until ex has done the course. then depending on what the report says will then depend on how contact should progress. But I'm not sure the course will do anything. He's an expert manipulator so will probably lie his way through it.
I'm just dreading the day that the court orders unsupervised and increases the hours, then after that I know my ex will want over night stays. That really worries me. But it seems that regardless ex will end up with that in the end so long as he isn't seen hurting DD. It seems like a life sentence with this man. I thought it would be over when I got him out the house. I've had advice from womans aid and have support from them. They're really opened my eyes to what had happened to me. It's madness how I never realised. Now I worried DD will see abuse (if I didn't realise then how will any new partner of his). All these things go around in my head and I feel I can't do anything.

Thanks for your support. I know I'm not being crazy thinking the course probably won't change anything.

They won't accept him on the course if he doesn't accept the findings following a fact finding hearing.
Chances are if he continues to refuse he won't be able to do the course and won't get contact.

I am sorry you are going through this. Again, there is very little evidence to show that these courses work, especially if he has no insight into the fact that his behaviour is abusive. However, don't worry about a couple of years down the line - you don't know what will happen. My friends daughter is 9 and she has gone from supervised contact centre visits, to family supervised visits, to unsupervised visits but no overnight stays. All you can do is keep loving your daughter, be a good advocate for her and go back to court the second he breeches any of his conditions.

Well done for getting out of his control. You are an amazing example to your girl. Xx

If he doesn't accept responsibility and actively engage with the course they will not change to unsupervised visits. The professionals have been through this many times and know what a twat he is, but they can't actually say that. They have to pretend to be optimistic and say the course might help. In reality they know that without him wanting to change it's just going through the motions. So don't worry about unsupervised visits yet.