Sisters abortion....

[bitzy12]

Feel this may be the best place to post this.

I'm not overly close to my sister, we never have been close. There's 7 years between us - I'm oldest - and in our younger years she did a few things that i suppose would be classed as unforgivable but I won't go into it. She will be 26 soon.

Anyway 2 years ago, she had an abortion. I believe this was her second abortion in so many years. My mum told me about it (she doesn't know that I know I think) due to us all being on a family holiday in the weeks after. I had my 2dcs with us, she spent the entire holiday crying and refusing to do anything with us so my mum told me in confidence what had gone on.

Anyway, fast forward to now and I'm expecting dc3. I told my sister I was pregnant pretty early on and she congratulated us. But since then, she just will not talk about it. My mum doesn't like me talking about my pregnancy in front of her. It's just a subject that's completely avoided. Due to complications, I've had 3 stays in hospital so far - it's been rough - and I haven't heard from her asking how I am or anything.

She lives with my mum and me and dcs are always round. If she's home, she says hi but goes upstairs. We haven't had a proper conversation in ages.

Now I'm just worried when baby arrives, i feel like she won't acknowledge her new niece or nephew. She visited me in hospital the same day when other 2 dcs were born. I feel like I won't even be able to go around to my mums because it will just have an awkward atmosphere.

I do totally understand that she's still struggling over her abortion. I really do. But I'm starting to get slightly angry that my baby cannot be mentioned when she's around.

We had a family gathering with my mum and other relatives a few weeks ago. Every other member of my family were excited about a new arrival and also me questions etc etc. My mum kept changing the subject so it wouldn't be talked about. Every time I looked at my sister, she had her head turned from me. She couldn't even look at me.

I don't want my baby to be so excluded from my family because of a decision that was made by my sister. I know my mum is excited to be a grandmother again but she can't show it because of my sister.

I just feel things are getting awkward. We are finding out the babies gender next week and I don't even feel I should message her to tell her.

How do I go about this?

I would respect your sister's feelings while she's having a hard time, and make an effort to see your mum at your house or out and about for a while. Your sister lives there too and it doesn't sound like she appreciates having you and the kids around so often. It's her place too.

It might be worth messaging her and saying 'hey sis, I've noticed recently that you've seemed a bit down and like it's difficult for you when I mention my pregnancy. Is there something that's happened? The baby will be here soon and obviously I would love you to be close to the kids but if you need some space that's fine too, I just want to know how to approach this in a way that works for both of us' and see what she says.

Your mum lives with her and probably sees her struggling more than you do and is trying to be sensitive to her, given that you have your kids and a partner and your sister doesn't, she probably feels protective of her and is just trying not to upset her.

So start seeing your mum elsewhere for a while if you want to be free to talk about the pregnancy and get excited together. Just don't take it personally if your mum is more worried about you sister and distracted as a result.

I would tell my mum to get a grip or end up losing you and her grandchildren.

Seems your mum probably thinks you are fine and your sister isn’t fine. You can’t really blame your mum for that.

You’re not close to your sister anyway. There’s nothing you can really do.

I thin you should message your mum once you find out whether the baby is a boy or a girl but not message your sister.

It's just hard for me because of the things that's happened in the past. I've tried to forgive and move on but then it's very hard when she cant cope with anything positive that happens in my life. She left my wedding early as she couldn't cope with it.

I can face it that we are never going to be close. But like I mentioned previously, it's just not nice that my new baby isn't accepted or no one feels excited about it.

I don't want to cause her any upset so maybe the message will be a good idea. I just don't know who's to word it as she barely speaks to me so it will be an uncomfortable thing for me to do but probably a good idea

I can face it that we are never going to be close. But like I mentioned previously, it's just not nice that my new baby isn't accepted or no one feels excited about it.

Is it really nobody? Because you said your mum is looking forward to being a grandmother again. And at a recent family gathering you said everyone was excited and asking about the baby, it was just your mum and sister who weren't.

Be careful not to focus so much on your sister's attitude and extrapolate that to everyone else: you're having issues with your sister but it sounds like your baby will have plenty of other people who love and accept him/her!

I get the sense you wish that things were different with your sister and don't like not being close, it's hard to accept and come to terms with the fact that sibling relationships aren't always what you wish them to be. Sometimes it's easier to work towards accepting you're two separate people who will act in whatever way makes sense to you, than it is to keep banging your head against a brick wall and trying to improve your relationship.

You're civil to each other and can socialise around each other. That might be the most you can wish for at this stage of your life.

I wouldn’t send that text. I just think it’s a bit deceitful (for want of a better word) as you know something has happened.

To be honest, I don’t think your mum should have put you in that position by telling you. You and your sister could have had it out, honestly. And if she had still chosen not to tell you herself, then you would feel under less obligation to tread on eggshells round her as you wouldn’t know what the issue is.

OP can't undo what she knows. I think it's kinder not to out her mum to the sister by telling her she's known this the whole time, the time to tell her would have been back when she found out. I guess it gives sister chance to tell OP herself, if she doesn't then it's probably lesser of two evils to not tell her she knows as sister will feel deceived and betrayed.

I would give up on expecting your dsis to be excited/care. Perhaps she just isnt able to. Maybe she will come around. Maybe she wont. But she will move out eventually and things will be less awkward.

I expect she may be feeling a bit envious. She is 26 and at home, no partner (?), kids. You and probably some of her friends too will appear to have their lives "sorted". That can be depressing.

There is also a chance that she is aware of some issues (such as infertility, or risk of infertility- Pcos, etc) which you arent party to (as you arent close).

Good luck with your pregnancy and try not to dwell on her side of things i dont think theres anything you can do to improve the situation without causing more stress than its worth unfortunately.

I absolutely don’t think she should out her mum. That’s why I think it’s dangerous to send that text. It’s u likely the sister is going to open up to that, and if for any reason the she then ever finds out the OP has known all along, the sister is going to feel betrayed by both of them.

I think the mum should encourage the sister tell OP herself, without OP asking and implying she knows nothing, or tell the sister she needs to get a grip. The mum made this mess, she needs to fix it. It was never her secret to tell.

Yes, mum has acted appallingly, and now it's backfiring badly.

Agree it'd be ideal for her to encourage sister to tell OP but doubt she will. And very much doubt saying 'pull yourself together' will have any positive effect.

I'd ask your mum to see whether she can pursuade DSis to let her "tell" you. Once she knows that you know, it will be possible for you both to be much more supportive.

If she won't, I'd try to see if you can have a conversation with DSis anyway - just framed around her maybe finding it hard that you're into baby number 3 already and she's still living at home. Upset over abortions can be just as much about sadness at not having a child, something that you don't have to pretend not to know about.

True, but at least OP will see her mum trying to put things right instead of pandering to the sister and dismissing her feelings. Instead she’s burying her head in the sand when she caused this.

Sometimes it's easier to work towards accepting you're two separate people who will act in whatever way makes sense to you, than it is to keep banging your head against a brick wall and trying to improve your relationship.

This

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. You said yourself that some things she did were unforgivable so I can understand you having a hard time with your feelings towards her.

Your mum behaved very poorly in telling you something deeply private to your sister, something you shouldn't know without your sister expressly wanting it to be known.

It’s understandable why your mum told you and it isn’t as though she were telling a total stranger, you are her sister after all... If I had a sister that was crying constantly and refusing to leave the house I would also want to know what was going on. Sure, your DM could’ve brushed it under the carpet by saying “oh she just has a lot going on atm” but I’m sure you may have probed further and you would certainly be at a loss as to why she was acting the way she is now.

I haven’t had an abortion but I had two miscarriages and the emotional burden was so hefty I would cry merely seeing baby clothes in supermarkets or pregnant women on the front cover of magazines. I had to remove a couple of friends on social media because seeing their pregnant photos was just too painful. So I can completely understand why she struggles discussing your pregnancy or even being faced with it, surely you can empathise too.

I would have a quiet word with her about the situation. Don’t mention anything about the abortion but simply ask if everything is ok with her as you have noticed she has been acting strange around you for a while. Paint it as though you are worried you have done something to upset her. You may find she needs someone to talk to and you can be that person.

I know you want everyone to be happy and excited about the baby. And it sounds like you have some deep-seated issues with your sister around jealously/competition. There's probably a bit of you that doesn't see why it should be you who has to be accommodating and understanding - SHE is the one with the problem and she is ruining everything and she always does this and IT'S NOT FAIR.

There is nothing you can do about making your sister behave differently - she feels how she feels and she will probably express that regardless. You can't make her be happy for you, and you can't make the people around you punish her for failing to toe the line.

It doesn't sound like she is being unkind or rude - she simply finds it hard to be around you, so she excuses herself from spending extended periods of time with you and your kids. This is a GOOD WAY that she is handling her feelings - when she is compelled to be with you and everyone is excitedly asking questions, she clearly finds it extremely upsetting. she is doing the right thing in trying to limit time with you at the moment. It seems that it is your mother who is changing the subject and making things weird.

Can you talk to both of them - calmly say:

"I noticed that you (DSis) are finding my pregnancy really hard. How would you like to handle this going forward?" and then listen to watch she has to say. Also ask her how she wants to handle you talking about your pregnancy to your mother in front of her.

Depending on what your DSis says, you can then go to your mother and tell her how you'd like to handle talking about your pregnancy in front of your sister. It may be that you and your mum end up scheduling time to discuss your pregnancy as one-on-one time.

You may feel like all you really want to talk about is the baby, and you also want to bask in the attention and excitement of everyone you meet. This is not possible. You also seem to worry about the baby being "excluded". This is not a reasonable thing to worry about. Your DSis may indeed find it difficult to visit you in hospital when your baby is born. Your baby will just have to cope with not seeing much of her aunt in the first few months/years of his/her life. Believe me, the baby will be fine. it will have you and its father and that is all it will really care about.

Tbh I pretty much made my mum tell me so I'm probably to blame for that one. At the time, my mum had saved up for us to go on holiday - she paid for it all, even spending money. Didn't cost me or my sis a penny. It was such a lovely place, all inclusive etc etc and I just couldn't understand why my sister spent the whole time in the hotel room. When she did come out with us, she would snap at all of us and she was basically ruining a holiday which my mum had worked so hard to pay for. So I pretty much forced my mum to tell me what the matter was. She was very reluctant to tell me but the holiday was just going from bad to worse. I was so angry at my sisters behaviour. Her abortion was about 4-6 weeks prior odour holiday I think.

Obviously this was 2 years ago. I doubt she would tell me, even now. We aren't close enough for her to share any private information like that. And there's absolutely no way I will tell her that I know about it. Although she does know I knew about her first abortion.

My sister has pretty much always had a problem with me. I've never understood why and always put it down to age difference. E.g when I started working at a young age, I had money so I could buy myself nice clothes and make up. She would steal it. She would steal my money. She hated when I started driving and bought a car - even though I saved up to buy it myself. When I used to go out, have boyfriends etc. She couldn't do that stuff and that's when it all started. Then she did something terrible where she tried to blame me for something and social services and the police got involved. It was clear she was lying and everything got dropped but it was hard to maintain a relationship after that.

A few years later, my mum and dad divorced - dad had an affair. I hated what my dad had done but still maintenance a relationship with him and now I'm closer to him than I was before. She made the decision not to carry on a relationship with him. I think she resents me for that also.

My hen do, she created drama, my wedding she did and now this.

She's obviously had some very hard times herself and I would of liked to have been there for her. Now I just don't know.

@LimonViola And yes you are completely right in what you say. I'm over reacting there. My baby will be loved no matter what and even probably in some way by my sister.

Thanks for all replies. I think it's best I just leave it for now, I will message her to say how the scan went etc but I'll send it as a generic message that I send to my mum, dad, dhs family etc so at least I've sent it but it won't be directly aimed at her.

After that I suppose the ball is pretty much in her court. I really have tried with her but for whatever reason, we have just never ever been close which is such a shame. I do hope my sister can somehow find happiness and when she does, I would love to be a part of it so we will just see.

@Pinkvoid you've got it in one there. I also suffered a miscarriage last year. Infact next week is coming up to the day we found out I was pregnant so I'm feeling very emotional about that right now. So that part, I totally understand. 100%. I think the fact it's my babies anniversary coming up is what's made me write this. Because I know how it feels to lose a baby. I'm pregnant now but nothing will replace the child I lost.

I guess writing this all down is making me look at it all rather than just my sisters abortion. There's clearly a lot more to it than that - it's all in my last post - but yeah, I feel like there's something missing in my life and that probably is my relationship with her and trying to understand why she's had such an issue with me all these years. We are just 2 very different people I suppose.

Tell your mum and sister to both get a firm grip. Life goes on sadly.

Honestly I'd just distance myself from her. You're not close, she doesn't want a meaningful relationship and she's made that very clear for a long time. This behaviour does not seem out of character. Conforting her or making her tell you about the abortion is not going to make this any better- she will deny that she's had any "attitude" and make you look like an overly touchy arsehole who's insensitive to her sister's issues.

The best thing you can do is accept that you don't have much of a relationship and try and build a family dynamic which can be influenced by her moods/drama as little as possible. I would explain that to your mum and tell her that it's better for everyone just to let it be, allow some distance between you and not try and a force a close sisterly relationship which will never be.

Essentially, I am your sister in this situation. I had a termination 14 months ago. Even now, I still cannot look at scan photos and not cry with guilt. I can't see pregnancy announcements and not hate myself. Most of all, I struggle every time my parents talk about my new born nephew.

The guilt of maybe thinking you made the wrong choice doesn't leave easily. Hating yourself because you can't move on to be happy for others isn't easy either. I cried for a week when I found out I was going to be an Aunt. I love that little boy now, but after my first visit I may have had a few tears in bed.

This wasn't jealousy of my brother, this was through despising myself for not being brave enough to continue the pregnancy.

Please do not make her feel all the issues are because of the termination. Just back off, and let her be. You'll be happier and hopefully in time she will be too.

She is going through a hard time. It sounds like part of her didn't want that abortion and maybe only went ahead with it because her head told her it was the right thing to do rather than her heart.

Is it really that difficult not to mention your pregnancy in front of her. Is there so much to discuss with the family? Do you need to mention it every time you visit your mum? If there is something you want to talk to your mum, can't you just say so and arrange to meet your mum elsewhere?

Personally I think you are being a bit precious about it. You're happy, you're about to be a mum again, surely you can understand that your sister might be envious and doesn't need your happiness rubbed in her face?

@swingofthings I don't think I'm being precious. There's much more to this than the abortion. It's just hard that no matter what's happened in my life, she's never ever been happy for me. I do understand the abortion. Although part of me feels it is her 2nd one and it was a while ago now - she's going to have to move on from it at some point. I hope to god she doesn't have another.

We don't speak about the baby every time in around mum. But obviously I have 2 very excited dcs so they cannot help talking about it and I don't expect them not too. However it's not the topic of conversation every time I'm round.

I'm just going to send the same text regarding the scan to everyone so it's not aimed at her and let that be. Like I've already said, I don't go round and talk about it constantly. Obviously I'm going to get bigger etc - can't hide that but I'm not going to not go round for this reason. I'll just stay normal and not mention it.

As for our relationship, I know I've tried to keep it despite everything she's put me though. I suppose we just aren't ment to be close which is a shame but I won't be able to say I haven't tried

Suggest your sister gets some support. Professional help .
She will come across babies including yours..some cb t might help her deal eith her sadness.
You can't solve it but you can be empathetic

Sounds like your sister is jealous of you and your life tbh.

I would reduce visiting your mum's if it means your baby can't be mentioned. Almost like it's a shame.

It pissed me off when people make decisions for themselves....and their behaviour starts affecting other people.

Your mum can visit you from now on.