Military Wife... Need some support

[Jolhill]

This is the first thing I've ever written on this, so bear with me as I don't know all the abbreviations and this is probably just going to read like a brain dump!

Fiance and I got engaged last year and our wedding is booked and we're both really happy and excited and he's been really good with planning and booking stuff with me, but he is in the military and being shipped off on deployment for 4 months or so and I don't really know what I'm going to do!

We've never spent more than 2 weeks apart before (due to his job) and as well as getting married next year, we've just bought our first house, which we'll hopefully be moving in to beginning of next month and then he goes off at the end of May!

All these new things happening and I'm going to be in this new house all alone. We were trying for a baby but obviously stopped that for now, as I don't want to go through my first pregnancy alone.

I'm quote an independent person in the week, but I work from home and I'm terrified that I'll just get depressed all alone.

Anyone else gone through the same thing?

I'd love someone to talk to about this, especially as the military never seem to give clear answers on how long a deployment will go on for, or how much contact we'll be able to have. I have suffered from fairly bad depression before and I handle it by organising my life and planning everything and not having too much uncertainty, but this is proving a little too much for me to handle, and the person I'd normally go to (my partner) is leaving me for months!

Thanks x

Hello from a fellow military wife.

I didn't want to read and run and I will post more later on (at work right now).

Are you buying a house near his base?

Could you confirm if British Forces, and if so which one?

Also, is it an operational or a training deployment?

I can tell you quite a bit about things from the perspective of the Army, but it might be less applicable to the other Forces, and possibly not applicable at all if it's not British.

I appreciate it! We're buying one about an hour's drive from the base, but he's only just started there, so neither of us have really had a moment to socialise and get to know anyone there.

Thanks mpsw - he's in the RAF (British)

Hi op,not a mw,but just wanted to say hello and you're not alone,plenty of lovely people on here with experience will be able to help you.
Congratulations on your new home

Hi op
Submariners wife here. We live about 6 hours away from base so we spend a lot of time apart and we have long no contact deployments, times get hard and sometimes life feels pretty shit it’s ok to feel like this and ask for support.
This lifestyle has made me so much more independent and confident especially since having my children though and the times we do get together are much more cherished.
There will be plenty of support groups on FB around your area If you live near base it would be worth joining a few xx

That's really helpful, I'll have a look on FB.

It's the loneliness that worries me and I feel like I have hobbies, but recently we've kind of 'merged' all our activities with each other, which I love, but not when he goes away and then I'm doing all those things alone again.

It also is upsetting that having a baby is being pushed back again. We've been trying so long and it feels very disheartening.

Not going to lie there are some lonely times especially when it’s all brand new but you will start to get used to having your own space (after a week of him at home I’m ready to ship him off again lol)
Maybe you could try finding a hobby to do on your own whilst he's away so you have something for yourself to focus on.
In regards to the baby I had a very good support network at home so although my DH wasn’t around I had family to lean on so can’t really comment on what it’s like away from family and friends but once my kids were here (they’re still quite little) i soon made new Mum friends and that helped a lot.
I have some amazing supportive friends but they will never fully understand what it’s like to be a military OH so try getting to know some others in your situation so you can lean on each other. X

I’m in the same boat (plane?) as you. Dh is also raf and has been away more times than I care to remember! When he first went away we were pre-kids, newly married and we had just moved to a new area. I won’t lie, it was hard but you can do it. You say you are at work in the day - do you have a good network around you of friends/ colleagues? Are you close to family/friends or have you moved a long way from home? I found planning in some weekends away visiting friends/ family not only helped to fill the weekends but also gave me something to look forward to. I found planning was my saviour, writing out a calendar of the whole time he was away and filling it with things to look forward to.

That's great to hear, because I do love planning! I do have family close to me, and I have started booking up my weekends, so glad to hear this will help!

I think I just need to learn to be happy on my own in the weeks! I've just requested to join a WAG's facebook associated with my DP's base, so hopefully that'll give me something or some people to get talking to or things to get involved with. I just never think of myself ever being a 'military wife'....

I found the whole ‘military wife’ thing a bit weird too (not so much now as we no longer live in mq) esp as quite often with the raf your dh/dp is deployed but not the rest of their sqn so you are not automatically included in a wag group left behind. If you want to pm me you location I might know some other raf wives near you (or you might be near me!)
When I was working full time I used to batch cook on the weekends/ one night a week because going to all the effort of cooking just for me every night often meant I ended up eating a sandwich (or bowl of cereal) for tea. It also gave me something else to plan! Are you getting a common theme here in my survival tactics?

Fellow RAF wife here! Husband is away as we speak. Always here if you fancy a natter OP. The first one is always the hardest, it does get easier I promise

My OH is in the navy, he goes away for four months at a time with limited contact. We live together but aren’t married. There are a lot of times I feel resentful as over the entire time we’ve been together he’s been away more than he’s been here and it’s very hard. I also have no support and no one to talk to about how I feel which probably makes it harder. If you ever want a chat about anything message me. Always happy to listen and offer support. I understand how frustrating it can be when plans are constantly pushed back/put on hold.

Great you’re anticipating that you might be lonely and booking up weekends; that’s a good thing to do. As you work from home, try to join a class or hobby in the evenings so you have some social contact during the week too as it can give structure to your week too. If you plan holidays for when he’s due home; always take out travel insurance as there’s never any guarantee when they’ll get home, so try to be flexible. Good luck.

MIlitary marriages, for all services, are not the easiest because of deployments. If you are fortunate there will be someone, perhaps the OC's wife, who will help a bit by introducing you to people and hosting the odd get-together so you can meet others in the same boat. This probably sounds very old school, but this was my mum's "job" (as well as us, nursing, school meals and family planning 1960s). And back then, naval deployments were often for two years-- much longer.

My partner was sent away for 5 months after being back only a few days from a shorter deployment. There was wifi available which made staying in touch much easier as we could FaceTime but had to plan this as there was a significant time difference. I found keeping busy essential to passing the time. It was hard but less hard than I thought and the feeling when your partner is back in your arms is incredible!

Depending on location it may also be possible for you to visit your partner during his deployment (at your own cost) but be prepared to be messed about by the military if you choose to do this.

My DH was in the army, just did four years in the end but included two six month postings and a couple of two month ones.

That was some years ago so before face time etc, but the unreliable contact may possibly be the same. If you expect to not hear from him for a week or so then more regular contact is a bonus.

Plenty of plans for weekends is a good call, as is regular contact with friends in the week. Also, having the radio on fills a silent house nicely.

Hardest thing I found was the day I realised I hadn't thought about him all that day and the one before, and felt awful that he'd dropped out of my thoughts, but he was worth hanging on for. Was very weird getting used to living together again when he got back home!

Another RAF wife here.

I’ve never lived on a patch, and my husband was away on active service (10 week stints, every few months) throughout our engagement, my pregnancies and the baby/toddler years.

On detatchments, I always found the first and last week hardest. But the rest of the time you get into a rhythm. We are talking about 10 years ago now and contact got a lot better during that time. First few trips away in 2004/5 I couldn’t even speak to him. By 2009 or so, I could send an ebluey with photo of the baby every day.

Hardest bits were NCT classes on my own (we weren’t married at that point either and I worried that people thought I’d made him up or something). And any pregnancy scares.

But book up stuff to do at weekends, keep yourself busy with friends and work and (in my case) triathlon training, and enjoy having the bed to yourself. Splurge on something to cheer yourself up the day they go. It will go faster than you think.

We still have our blueys that we posted each other, in the days pre-eblueys.