I HATE My Boyfriends ‘Lad’ Friends Should I End The Relationship Now ?

[Mollyma]

I’ve with a wonderful man who wants to settle down with me, but I quite simply cannot stand his friends. He is 30, I am 25 and these friends have been in his life a long time. They were in the same uni

house and all lived with each other through out university and after and they were lads and unfortunately after meeting them a few times now many of them haven’t grown up.

My biggest red flag:

3 of them are married and they recently went on a ‘bros’ holiday and my boyfriend told me 2 of the married ones had a MMF threesome with a woman. He said the dynamic is they usually egg each other on and one of the married guys wanted to get with a girl and he asked his other friend to join in. The friend said yes and they went off and had sex with the girl (unprotected) and didn’t tell their wives about the threesome.

They asked another friend (who has a girlfriend) to get with her friend. He did. So 3 of them cheated that night. It's 6 in the crew.
My boyfriend comes back and tells me all these stories and I’m like ?? Then he says they’ve been friends for 10 years, no ones perfect, these are his ‘boys. They felt bad after and he tried not to judge them.

It seems that he has changed quite a bit from the “old days,” but they are still beer-drinking, rowdy, party people. The kind of friends I don’t want in my life.

I don’t really know what to do. Is it a deal-breaker? Do I just muddle through and hope not to have much contact with these friends?
He has changed a lot and I didn’t know this was his university life but the more time I spend with his ‘best friends’ I’m not sure these are the sort of people I’d want a partner being with.

I’m particularly concerned about this dynamic between them where they egg each other on to push limits. He said in their frat house they’d find ways to push each other to the limit and it appears now at 30 that won’t be changing any time soon. And the fact they can egg each other on to cheat etc and they do it...

I’ve only had 3 boyfriends and they did not have this dynamic with their friends. This is new to me. Neither of my ex’s were former frat bros so I don’t know how normal this behaviour is. The egging each other on to cheat, the fact they have such strong influences on each other. This is all new to me. My last boyfriend was 31 and he had close friends from university but nothing like this.#

He is an amazing guy but he is speaking about the future and I’m not sure if this classes as a deal breaker.....

These ‘bros’ are never leaving and something about once they’re together makes them revert back to their university dynamic is unsettling

Is this a deal breaker for a long term relationship or marriage ?

TLDR: Boyfriend has a strong bond with group of friends who engage in shady behaviour. He is fine but his 'best friends' are not. Is this reason enough to leave?

I agree with everyone else - geez, if it's threesomes on a lads holiday then what the heck would they get up to on a stag?? Also, I really dislike the "bro code" thing. I can't put my finger on it but something about it really irritates me. I'm sorry OP but I would be unable to trust a man who had friends like that and, honestly, I think cheating would be inevitable with them egging him on.

It's a tough one op, as they say you know who a person is judging by the company who they choose to hang around with. His mates are cheating dicks, lets not beat around the bush here, that's what they are. However that doesn't mean your boyfriend will be. I suppose it all comes down to trust. But if they are all doing it, then common sense says they will try to get him to join in on cheating also.
I hate to say it but an ultimatum needs to be made here, either his friends or you.
But if you do trust him then you shouldn't worry about his mates leading him astray.

However I think it's worth pointing out that's it good of him to tell you, he didn't have to let you in on what goes on with them. So, by telling you he is either saying they do this and I would never do that etc, or he is giving you an insight on what to expect in the future. I personally don't think it's the latter.

End it and tell him why.

I had this with my dp, his friends are beer drinking monsters and some of them were unfaithful. I used to hate the weekends away etc, it's only just now he and most of his friends are beginning to calm down and he's 48 this year, they seem to take longer to mature! Not all men are like this of course but the ones that are just take longer to calm down. It depends what you can put up with and if you trust him. Have you discussed any of this with him as he should know how you feel about this laddish behaviour

Nah I'd run for the hills. He tells you this stuff so you'll think he's the 'good guy' in the group. He's not. It's immature and it won't change. You'll never fully trust him with them and it will eat away at you.

Also agree with the std testing. If it were me I'd end it and then I would let the other women know they need to get tested.

What exactly are you meant to do with this information? Cover up for them too?? Your boyfriend is unreasonable to expect you to condone behaviour you disagree with particularly as it may have consequences for people you know. He really has to drop them or you have to leave him unless you are prepared to live a big, fat lie.

I don't believe for a second that he hasn't cheated on you, not if he's normalising what the others do. Bet they're all at it. I'd bin him in a heartbeat.

I don’t like my DP’s friends very much either but thankfully they both live abroad so DP barely ever sees them.

Since your DP sees his friends often and they spur each other on to have unprotected sex with random women (), stands to reason your DP will one day cave. Imagine if you are one of the wives in a few years time that has been cheated on because your H still listens to everything his pathetic uni friends tell him to do? It’s so lame. Leave.

I think some sort of discussion is needed in the first instance before any rash decisions are made

How long have you been together?

If my friends were like this, lots of cheating on their husbands and boyfriends, threesomes etc I would be so offended my partner broke up with me because of it. No amount of encouragement or egging on from anyone could make me cheat.

Why are we finding this so difficult to believe of OP's boyfriend?

It sounds like he is already making excuses for future behaviour.

Yuck.
Sounds to me that he is hiding in plain sight.
Get STI tested and don't waste another minute on this immature twat.

Surely it's two separate things. Either he is or isn't cheating himself, but we don't know.

What we do know is that he enjoys the company of these complete idiots. That would be my first concern. What does that say about him?

fearful I see your point. MAYBE- he is not someone who would ever cheat, regardless of how much his friends egg him on. But if he was would he want to go on holidays with people that he knew would try to get him to do this sort of thing (I can't for a minute believe that they egg others on to cheat but not him, even if he refuses to do it)? Would he want to spend time with people who clearly see cheating on their wives as a bit of fun.

I'd be worried about the fact that he tells you this and that essentially it's all OK because they felt bad after and he tries not to judge. Is he letting you know (consciously or otherwise) that even if he's not doing this now, if he does at some point you should not judge him and it's all fine as long as he feels bad after?

If it was me, I don't think I could ever be comfortable with him going away with these friends and it doesn't sound like he has any plans to cut down the time they spend together.

Imho, he is telling you as a sort of strategy to groom you to accept the unacceptable. To be dismissive about it, you know, like he is dismissive about it. He tells you a little; then later on- a little bit more; etc.

I agree with above posters who say he not going to be a goody two shoes on the side line...his mates would have dumped him long ago if he was.

It isn’t so much the sex, imho (although yeah, that crosses so many lines in itself!) It is the dynamic of shaming and cajoling someone to do something he knows he shouldn’t do, for entertainment at that. This is very risky behavior. I would be concerned drugs would become involved, if not already. Then an obvious risk of overdose.

Another concern, and why I would walk away now, is that the shaming and cajoling may be enough of a familiar dynamic that he is used to, that he would turn that process onto you at some point (behind closed doors and all of that).

All of the promises to the contrary of your concerns will just be lip service...just telling you what you want to hear. Nothing he could say would erase the doubt.

Yes, leave. Yes, STD test asap.

Ugh. One day that would be you cheated on , and your dh would be the one to be ‘sorry after’ (utter bullshit re the sorry after). But it wouldn’t be his fault because you KNOW how much pressure his friends put on each other. Nope nope nope.

I think the chances of him being “the good one” are pretty slim, tbh.

He could be. But then, he doesn’t have a problem with their behavior. It’s not his job to police them, of course, but I just wouldn’t be attracted to someone who thought this shit was acceptable!

Maybe he just hasn’t grown up yet...but I wouldn’t be sticking around to find out if and when his maturity kicks in.

Sorry, OP!

I didn't like my husband's uni friends at all. He knew that although no women ( as far as I'm aware!) The laddish immature behaviour was stressful. However, he started not going on lads weekends as he said he would rather spend time with me. Children arrived & now we only see them at Uni Re- unions which is fine cos I'm there!!!!! Honestly you need to speak to him. 30 years later , looking back I truly believe he was looking for a way out & I was it. Fine by me 😁

You will forever be paranoid when he is on these nights out that he might be doing the same and not telling... they are all clearly so tight knit they keep it to themselves and don't tell the wives... I wouldn't be able to deal with it personally, those poor women how disrespectful of those men.. horrendous!

I would explain although he says he wouldn't do something like this to you you feel uncomfortable of the fact his is happy to remain friends and so close with men who are happy to cheat on their wives having a threesome with a random woman unprotected as well making it even worse putting their wives health at risk

If my friends were like this, lots of cheating on their husbands and boyfriends, threesomes etc I would be so offended my partner broke up with me because of it.

You'd be offended because your boyfriend made an assessment of your character and values based on who your closest friends are - cheaters and liars?

I'm going to go against the grain. he tells you warts and all what's happening. I think if he had an inclination to behave that way he'd keep schtum. when he stops being open thats when I'd start to worry

@pallisers I'd be offended if my partner thought that because my friends were cheats, that I was a cheat too. I'm an autonomous individual who can make my own decisions.