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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I HATE My Boyfriends ‘Lad’ Friends Should I End The Relationship Now ?

70 replies

Mollyma · 11/04/2018 11:33

I’ve with a wonderful man who wants to settle down with me, but I quite simply cannot stand his friends. He is 30, I am 25 and these friends have been in his life a long time. They were in the same uni

house and all lived with each other through out university and after and they were lads and unfortunately after meeting them a few times now many of them haven’t grown up.

My biggest red flag:

3 of them are married and they recently went on a ‘bros’ holiday and my boyfriend told me 2 of the married ones had a MMF threesome with a woman. He said the dynamic is they usually egg each other on and one of the married guys wanted to get with a girl and he asked his other friend to join in. The friend said yes and they went off and had sex with the girl (unprotected) and didn’t tell their wives about the threesome.

They asked another friend (who has a girlfriend) to get with her friend. He did. So 3 of them cheated that night. It's 6 in the crew.
My boyfriend comes back and tells me all these stories and I’m like ?? Then he says they’ve been friends for 10 years, no ones perfect, these are his ‘boys. They felt bad after and he tried not to judge them.

It seems that he has changed quite a bit from the “old days,” but they are still beer-drinking, rowdy, party people. The kind of friends I don’t want in my life.

I don’t really know what to do. Is it a deal-breaker? Do I just muddle through and hope not to have much contact with these friends?
He has changed a lot and I didn’t know this was his university life but the more time I spend with his ‘best friends’ I’m not sure these are the sort of people I’d want a partner being with.

I’m particularly concerned about this dynamic between them where they egg each other on to push limits. He said in their frat house they’d find ways to push each other to the limit and it appears now at 30 that won’t be changing any time soon. And the fact they can egg each other on to cheat etc and they do it...

I’ve only had 3 boyfriends and they did not have this dynamic with their friends. This is new to me. Neither of my ex’s were former frat bros so I don’t know how normal this behaviour is. The egging each other on to cheat, the fact they have such strong influences on each other. This is all new to me. My last boyfriend was 31 and he had close friends from university but nothing like this.#

He is an amazing guy but he is speaking about the future and I’m not sure if this classes as a deal breaker.....

These ‘bros’ are never leaving and something about once they’re together makes them revert back to their university dynamic is unsettling

Is this a deal breaker for a long term relationship or marriage ?

TLDR: Boyfriend has a strong bond with group of friends who engage in shady behaviour. He is fine but his 'best friends' are not. Is this reason enough to leave?

OP posts:

53rdWay · 11/04/2018 11:36

He is fine but his 'best friends' are not.

I bet all the wives/girlfriends of those friends think that too. “Well the REST of that group are pretty shady, but mine doesn’t do that sort of thing.”

I’d consider it a massive red flag.

ShowerGel9 · 11/04/2018 11:37

I would. Won't end good and will make you miserable for a long time. Ifor you somehow come between him and his friends in the future he could end up resenting you.

TrippingTheVelvet · 11/04/2018 11:39

It would be unlikely that he gets on amazing with people who behave entirely different to him with opposing values. Doesn't happen.

EenaMinaMoe · 11/04/2018 11:39

I'd leave. It just sounds like hard work and frankly, I'd never really be convinced that he was out there, being the only sainted faithful guy on a lads holiday while his mates screw around.

SevenStones · 11/04/2018 11:40

what 53rdWay said.

I'd be off like a shot. What does it say about him that he has those type of best friends and that he doesn't see much wrong with what they're doing, even if he isn't off doing similar stuff himself.

bitzy12 · 11/04/2018 11:41

It's not great tbh. I don't think I could handle that. But the big question here is, do you trust him? If you take away the 'mates' you wouldn't be considering ending it which is such a shame. Does he know how it makes you feel?

TheFaerieQueene · 11/04/2018 11:44

You know a person by the company they keep.

bakingdemon · 11/04/2018 11:48

You need to tell him at the very least that you're not happy him going on trips away where they behave like that. Have you asked him what he thinks about it? He might enjoy their company over the first two beers but not feel able to restrain the others.

Original poster

Mollyma · 11/04/2018 11:57

You ladies are confirming all my gut has been telling me :(

Heart-breaking because I love this guy but I am just unsettled by this and as he is moving toward marriage I know this won't end well :'(

OP posts:

PretABoire · 11/04/2018 12:06

Yeah nah. If his entire social life revolves around encouraging each other to fuck their lives up instead of being supportive or even remotely responsible, you'll never trust the lot of them and chances are they just won't grow up.

Mum4Fergus · 11/04/2018 12:23

I'd run for the hills with this one OP, sorry. The fact that he told you all this is concerning for a start...he could be projecting. How many of the other wife's/girlfriends got exactly the same story but it was you're BF who was off with the other woman/en? Either way, you deserve better

peoplearepeople · 11/04/2018 12:38

I'm sorry op, but I would also have to walk away. It sounds like they are a huge part of his life and I couldn't stand to think that people like that would always be a part of my life. I feel like you could never fully feel comfortable when your dp was with them and long term I think it would just drag your relationship down.
What tripping mentioned upthread about values is correct I think. I can be friends with all types of people, but I think for close friends your core values really do need to be the same. I have always distanced myself from people whose behaviour I seriously can't morally agree with.
I would also agree that the other wives/girlfriends probably think that their husband is innocent one of the group. You see it all the time.

keepingbees · 11/04/2018 12:39

Must be a hard one if he's nice and you love him, but I don't think you'd ever be fully happy. You'd never trust him on a night out would you. And social situations with them, which you'd never be able to avoid completely, would be a nightmare. If he's moving towards marriage think of your wedding reception for example (not to mention what they'd get up to on a stag do!)

Luckingfovely · 11/04/2018 12:44

I agree with the others, I'm afraid. I do think it would be worth you laying it out for him if he is serious about moving forward, and explain exactly why you have these doubts. It's then up to you whether you can trust him or not from his response, sadly.

pallisers · 11/04/2018 12:44

as my mother said "show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are"

He really doesn't see anything wrong with how they behave. If he did, he would be pulling back from them. You'll never trust him on a holiday etc. Not sure you should trust him either. It seems unlikely that all the lads are into threesomes etc while your boy is sipping on his fanta orange.

expatinscotland · 11/04/2018 12:45

This is a no-brainer. He's 30 and still behaving like a 15-year-old. This is who he is. 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them first time!' as Maya Angelou's famous quotation shows. You have plenty of time to find someone decent. This one's a wrong 'um.

drspouse · 11/04/2018 12:50

The wives and GF need STD testing.

MrPan · 11/04/2018 12:50

He isn't that great as he WILL choose his gang over you. He always will.
It's your choice to be 2nd to these people.

Also: 1. He hasn't told you the worst ( incl hero here) they have gotten up to and 2. he will be doing it himself otherwise he wouldn't be trusted as part of the gang.

peekyboo · 11/04/2018 12:51

Sorry but I think you should get yourself tested for STDs.

Even if he's completely changed his personality now, that's many years messing about with these friends doing god knows what and probably unprotected.

unintentionalthreadkiller · 11/04/2018 12:51

He hasn't told you the truth. I guarantee he will be doing it too.

MrPan · 11/04/2018 12:52

and don't let him talk you out of ending things. He will promise to NOT put you second. But he will.

The8thMonth · 11/04/2018 12:52

I also didn't really like my now husband's laddish mates when we were dating. However, although they did stupid, dumb things and the stag parties were awful there was never any sex had with other women. There were certainly strip clubs, red light district visits, and cannabis, but they were more the exception. He knew many of these friends from boarding school days... The stuff they got up to was more along the lines of humiliating each other (Borat mankini and an electronic dog collar, beer bottle up someone's bum... Excessive drinking till ill, eating wasabi, the odd punch up ....)

I think the friends cheating on their wives is a big red flag...

At almost 40 now all his mates have kids and wives... This behaviour doesn't happen at all any more. So, yours might grow up....

MrPan · 11/04/2018 12:54

Also, why is he telling you all of this? There was no need to.

I'd think it's a sort of 'warning' i.e. this is the sort of thing you will be marrying into, so brace yourself.

TinLizzy · 11/04/2018 12:55

I've dumped a man in the past because their friends were awful. Even if the man himself may not have joined in, the fact he even 'allowed' it to continue made him an enabler, if not a participant by inaction, if you see what I mean.
He is still mates with his 'crew', and they never did change.
I'd walk away if I were you. X

Bumshkawahwah · 11/04/2018 12:58

That is a shame :(

I guess the worst case scenario is that he partake in all if this (not saying that this is the case). Or, he is there and sees nothing wrong with it. Or does think his friend’s antics are horrible but doesn’t want to rock the boat by saying anything, which says very little for his backbone.

These men are vile. I don’t think I could stick in a relationship where my H’s friends were so awful.

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