trust issues

[ivegottheblues]

If you're with the right person do you just know? I've been seeing my current partner for around 4-5 months, but we only see each other once/twice per fortnight due to us both having kids and other commitments. We get on well, have fun and so on but In between it can sometimes be a few days between texts, which leaves me feeling a bit out of sight out of mind. He says he doesn't feel the need to text me every day. At these times I wonder if I'm just a nice thing to pass the time, like there's no depth to his feelings for me, and I also worry that something better might come along and he'll be gone. A couple of times when we've been out I've noticed him checking out other women.

I have quite low self esteem. He tells me he really likes me and hopes things work out so why can't I believe him?

Anyone who's checking out other women while they're on a date really isn't worth bothering with. He's disrespectful and not that into you, I'm afraid.

It's tough not being able to meet up often, but I would've thought regular phone calls and texts would be needed to keep the relationship going. If he's not prepared to do that, you can tell he's not that interested.

Personally yes I did just know when I had met the right person. There was no ambiguity, no game playing, he made it clear he wanted to be with me and from around 6 months on we were talking (albeit vaguely) about a future together. I had never experienced that so clearly with anybody before, and it had never been so clear in my head that it was just 'right' either.

A few things jump out from your post though. A few days with no contact doesn't sound to me like you are in boyfriend/girlfriend territory yet. I also think checking out other women in front of you is not nice. And re you having low self esteem - that's a bit of a chicken and egg thing. You are not going to build more self-esteem whilst you are with somebody who makes you feel insecure. But you could find it hard to have the strength to know that you deserve more than this when you don't have that self esteem.

So I would say the main issue is to work on your self esteem. Could you try some sessions with a counsellor, or even do a bit of self help reading? I think if your gut is telling you things aren't right for you, they are probably not right for you! But having the strength to trust your feelings and follow them through is something you might need to work on

Thanks both of you. The checking out other women thing, was really him sneaking a little glance at a very attractive woman, not overtly doing it in front of me. Isn't that normal?
We do text each other most days a few times a day, but then sometimes when he has his kids, or me mine, he says he thinks it's important to be there for them rather than texting each other.
I'm definitely going to have a look at working on my self esteem though. I think my ex really knocked my confidence. I find new partner attractive and likeable in person and he does very sweet things for me, but in between I just don't feel so confident. I suppose I'm not 100% sure about him either. Although he's now been in my life for a few months, we haven't spent all that much time together so we're not as close as I'd expected to be by this stage if that makes sense?

You're settling - its very common in people with low self esteem to settle for someone who isn't totally committed because in their head, that's all they think they're worth. But you have to change your mindset, work on your self esteem and end this relationship that is bringing nothing to your life except more self doubt and more anxiety.
Forget about dating for a few months and get some books, counselling, courses designed to raise your self esteem.
You are worth more, far more than what you seem to be settling for.

Ok so from your update maybe he's a 'maybe' rather than just 'wrong'. Nothing wrong with continuing to take it slowly and seeing how it goes, if that's what you want.

The checking out other women thing - was it a case of you noticed anattractive woman so looked to see if he'd noticed her too, and he had given her a quick glance - rather than him oggling every passing woman like some bad 70's Carry On film? If yes then I'd say that's pretty normal but obviously bothers you anyway if you have self esteem issues.

Seriously, if you can work on your self esteem the rest will follow and sort itself out. Try a book or some counselling

Thanks again flump and thanks palla

Yes, that's exactly it with the woman and she was sitting at the table opposite us so pretty hard to miss.

I've had a right good think this afternoon and evening, and I've had a look at some self esteem/CBT courses which I'll have a go at. We won't be seeing each other til next weekend so plenty of time to reach a decision on what I'm going to do.

If I'm not getting the right vibe, then I'm just going to let this one go as I'd rather be single than in a relationship that makes me feel insecure or is going nowhere. If he's right for me, I'll feel it.

Palla i get that about the settling. I definitely don't want to do that. I had 15 years of feeling second best with my ex. The thing is I'm not sure about new partner either so I'm also cautious about committing. I've only told a couple of very close friends and one family member about the relationship. I want to keep taking it slow until I feel sure (if that point comes).

Sorry if that's all mixed up - a bit like me at the moment... this is my first venture into dating since my split (over a year ago). I'm also having a look at the "advice you'd give" thread which a great read.

Well it sounds like you're going into dating with your eyes open, so that's good

And good luck with the courses - it is really, really worth the effort. Just remember - if he is right for you, he'll make sure you know it .