Mind playing tricks re ex

[letgotolive]

I need help staying strong and focussed to keep separated from my ex. I know deep down it's a very bad relationship for me, for some reason or another it just has a very bad effect on me.

I made the plunge last year and left with the kids, it was the right move at the time. Things turned nasty from him, lawyers got involved, police ect. After a few months I started to doubt my decision. He appeared different, changed. Buying small gifts, thanking me ect. Songs started reminding me of the "love" we had that I'd walked away from and I believed it all. We got back together and very quickly reality set in. He wasn't different, I felt exactly the same as I did before I left. Unconnected, used, disrespected, the list goes on. I don't want that life, it's not a life I was purely existing, getting by. I was highly medicated most of our relationship to cope with it. I've ended it again and feel better than ever, I feel free but I'm getting g a lot of texts trying to manipulate me back, he's heart broken, I don't know my own mind ect. Then the tricks start, what is that?? Songs start making me remember god times but it's all fantasy, it's not the reality, I don't understand why this happens?! It's like when an alcoholic focuses on the lie that they're drinking was good but it's a lie they're mind tells them, not the reality. I never want to be back in that relationship, I wish I didn't have to see him again but unfortunately we have children so I have to. Has this happened to anyone else? You went back due to lies your mind told you?

Thank you for writing this post because I 100% understand. I am in the same position as you, although I didn’t go back a second time ( very nearly did). I suspect you are doing the same as me, looking back at the good times, reminders of how it was good sometimes trying to convince yoursyit was t all bad.

Keep strong, he won’t change and you will just hold yourself back. I know it’s hard but you’ve come so far now by leaving again and a step nearer to a better life for you and your kids. You deserve e to be happy, make peace with the fact it’s over, bury it and move on x x

Thank you, I thought I was going crazy! I read so many inspirational posts on here about women getting out of bad relationships and doing well and I'm generally doing well I just wish they thoughts would go. I've had a taste of the reality as I did go back so I'm just trying to cling on to that. Trying not to engage with all the tests as well but it's hard

Just writing down that I feel guilty that he's hurt, but if I go back then it's me that hurts. I can't hurt myself to make someone else happy especially when that person doesn't respect my boundaries. Almost using this as a diary, it helps as I don't have anyone with me I can talk to

I never wanted to look after myself when I was with him, not even in small ways so I treated myself to some nice coffee and a new latte glass today 😁 made me feel good 😊

I can't really advise but would it help if you made a list of all the bad stuff he did and how it made you/your children feel?

Then when your brain tries to pull the 'it wasn't bad all the time' thing, you can get your list out - bonus points if it runs to several pages - and give it a look over. That way you can jog your memory about why you left in the first place.

It’s hard when you waver and they are being nice,but the reality is that your life would be exactly the same as it was once and you’d feel trapped. If you feel better for writing it down the do it. I’m renting a house at the moment with the kids and we are getting on fine but it’s hard when you have kids because you know he will always be there in the background. Like you,I think it would be so much easier if I didn’t have to see him again. Your mind is playing tricks by remembering the good times and making you feel guilty, I know this because I’m the same.

It is very easy to view the past through rose tinted spectacles. You need to write down everything he ever did to you that was wrong and whenever you need a proverbial slap around the face, read it and remind yourself of why you are better off apart.

It’s trickier because you have children so it’s not as though you can just block his number although I would suggest doing that and informing him you are only contactable via your house phone. Also if you can, try having someone else handle the collection and drop off of your DC so you don’t have to face him.

I know how manipulative abusers can be as I was in a similar relationship years ago. It was very difficult to break away and, like you, I ended up returning to the promise of him being a ‘changed man’. He wasn’t, obviously and eventually I did leave for good which felt great. He stalked me for months before assaulting me in the street, I had police involvement and he disappeared. But again, it was simpler because we had no ties like you do.

Yeh I think the list is a good idea I'm going to do that. I had a list before but started making excuses for all the things on it, justifying his behaviour ect which again is something I need to stop doing. Having no money for the children as it's mostly went to a drug dealer cannot be justified with "just bad at budgetting"!!! Must get a grip and keep it!

Someone much wiser than me have to the phrase. What is the gift in the sand paper. So yes this is rubbish now. But what is the gift? A peaceful home. A happier you. Try to focus on the positives. I know it isn't always easy.

Try to block him from anything but one form of communication for child contact. And even with this you don't have to respond or even read immediately. Save them up and read once a week deleting anything not to do with the children. If you find you really weaken then try to get a friend or relative to weed out the important info.

And when you weaken just look at that sentence you wrote about being short of money because it had gone to drug dealers.