Reeling...

[dbatsfm]

Hello everyone,

I'm very much hoping that someone could give me their thoughts/insights about what I have just discovered about my fiancé. I don't know what to do and I feel as if I can't speak to family or friends about this as it would just blow up and cause a lot of problems.

So, my fiancé and I have been seeing each other for 10 months (I know, very quick..) We met on holiday and have been travelling backwards and forwards to see each other ever since (we both live in different countries). He has been separated from his partner for 7 years and he told me that he had been divorced for two. However, it turns out that he is still married to his 'ex' wife. She had various affairs throughout their 18 year marriage and has been living with one of the men for 7 years or so.

My fiancé & her see each other once in a blue moon and only talk to discuss their children etc. I have suspected that something wasn't quite right about his divorce for a good few months now as certain things just didn't add up. I have asked him numerous times whether he is divorced and he lies to me each time.

I haven't had concrete proof that he was lying until now. He is still very much married to her and is currently going backwards and forwards with lawyers to sort out a financial settlement. My fiancé does not know that I know this. I found this out by slightly underhand means (read his emails) which I am not proud of.

I honestly don't know what to do. He has lied to me repeatedly whilst all the time saying to me that he tells me everything. I know I need to confront him about this to get it out in the open but I'm just so confused about the whole situation. If he had been upfront at the start of our relationship I would have been fine about it.

Its unfortunate timing too, my plane ticket is booked and paid for, ready to spend 2 months together at his place...

Apologies for the long ramble, I have so much going through my mind!
Thank you in advance for any advice anyone can give.

Run, run very quickly and far away >>>>>>>

He is a player. He is a liar. He is dishonest. You've known him for just 10 months and he has not been truthful about anything.

You are worth so much more than this. Why do you want to throw your life away on a liar who is not divorced, lives in another country and has two children?

Tear up the plane ticket! It's a very small price to pay.

I feel like this is going to be harsher than I want it to be but...

10 months? And in a different country. You don’t know this man. AT ALL.

You should be questioning why he’d ask someone to marry him when she’s either not met his children, or worse, has already met his children.

I mean, what was the plan? You’d get married and then you’d move there/he’s move to you and what? Be one big happy family with his kids being forced into a relationship with a stranger?

That’s not even considering the long term logistics.

Moving on, you’re having an extended holiday romance. You cannot know this man unless you know his life. And Skype and weekend visits doesn’t cut it.

Now add in his lying about being married as the cherry on top.

Seriously, there are literally billions of men in the world. Some of whom I’m quite sure live near enough for you to have an actual relationship with.

Add up how many months you’ve actually spent physically together (is it weeks?) and ask yourself why you’d agree to spend the rest of your life with this stranger.

Then leave him.

Well it could be worse. The emails do at least confirm that he's separated and going through the divorce process. You have to sort the finances before applying for the decree absolute and it can take a long time to agree. My divorce took three years to finalise, and I have a friend with a very difficult ex who is at four years and it's still in and out of court.

But, of course, he has proven himself to be a liar and now you'll be wondering what else he's lied about. For example, was it really his dw who had the affair?

On balance I agree with pp, you don't know him at all, he's in the middle of a messy divorce and he's a liar; cut your losses.

What country is he from? Does he work? Does he have accommodation?

Have you paid him anything?

You must be wealthy if you can afford to take two months off work

Can you confront him before you leave for 2 months ? Can you get home if you needed to ?

Confused Are you saying you still want to be with this loser?

It's simple, do not get on that plane. Don't waste your time or money on this one. There really is no point in continuing this relationship. Everything about it is based on a lie. Sounds to me like he's wanting a new passport. What country is he from?

He is North American, has a good job, his own house, car etc, three grown up children. I have no concerns about him wanting a green card or a new passport. Nope, I've never given him money and he has never given me any either.

No I'm not wealthy at all QuiteLikely5 - I am fortunate enough to be able to work from anywhere in the world. I just need a laptop.

I am totally confused and baffled by the situation. Thank you to everyone that has replied to my post - you've all just confirmed my feelings. I'm planning on talking to him tonight and will see what he says.

You're very lucky to have found this out now, instead of after you've married or relocated.

He's a liar, you've known him barely any time at all. If you stay with him after this then at least you're fully aware what you're signing up for!

I'm sorry, you must be heartbroken.

Tell him you need to see all his cards on the table. Tell him that telling lies is a dealbreaker for you. If he agrees and admits everything then maybe you can move forward, but on your terms and certainly not in a live-in situation with him just yet.
If he huffs and puffs and does the blame, deny, deflect thing that they do....he has issues. Big ones.
Run.

He has lied to you repeatedly. No good can come of a relationship built on lies.

You certainly don’t know him well enough to marry him.

Break it off.

pallasathena has it spot on. Give him the chance to come clean.

For me, that kind of lie would be a dealbreaker but only you know what you can live with. However, I think this has to be now or never for some real honesty.

I don’t understand why he would lie about this. A protracted divorce isn’t exactly rare. To me it suggests he has a loose relationship with the truth over many many things. I wouldn’t be continuing this relationship if I were you. How can you believe a word he says?

If he's being so dishonest about this.. what else is he being dishonest about.. I couldn't begin to trust someone who lies so hugely in the very beginning stages of your relationship on such a serious matter...

don't give the 'reading emails' a second thought.. you needed to know what you were dealing with....

don't get on the Plane...

If you talk, he might talk you round. Just walk away.

If you want to marry someone who is 'flexible with the truth' then go right ahead but it seems like a recipe for utter disaster - run whilst you still can would be my advice. Living long term with a liar is unsustainable - so all you would be doing is prolonging the agony.

Can you change your plane ticket to somewhere more fun, or get a connecting flight from wherever you are booked to to go on to Hawaii or maybe South America...I'd take two months of sitting in a beach hut with a cocktail and a laptop over spending it with a liar liar pants on fire...(in fact I'd take that over almost anything

That is a very big lie to be dealing with so early in your relationship. Please don't give him any money and please don't marry him. Red flags waving all over the place.

He's a liar. Are you sure it was his wife who had all the affairs?

But yeah, he lies and you snoop on him to find out the truth. This is not a functional relationship. Cut your losses, before he costs you more money.