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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mil's mothers died- we were no contact for a short period of time.

24 replies

Chamonix1 · 11/04/2018 05:50

How do you handle a situation whereby you aren't in contact with your parents/ in laws due to nasty behaviour and they contact you informing their own parent has died?
My in laws are away for 6 weeks, we've asked for this 6 weeks to be a chance for both sides to have space (I myself would like to never see them again, I've been hurt for 6 years by them and it's causing me a lot of pain being in contact with them).
They've respected this boundary to a certain extent emailing photos of their trip on average of once a week but haven't asked to call/face time. My eldest child has seemingly coped very well without their company and isn't phased. Something I'm a little surprised about if I'm honest.
However sadly my Mils mother has passed away at a very old age in her sleep, my mil didn't have a great relationship with her own mum and rarely saw her but I can understand she would be sad.
When she emailed I was about to reply saying I was very sorry to hear that and that I hope she's ok, but she has emailed me shortly after asking to FaceTime with my children.
This is the part that bothers me, the sad situation is now an excuse to break the limited contact (we asked for none, for 6 weeks) and I just feel it's another one of these manipulative situations she invents/takes great advantage of.
I'm only human and I'm struggling here. I can understand why she may want to see family at this point maybe she just wants cheering up however I just feel it's an excuse to trample over some simple boundaries again (ones we only have in place because the behaviour really did get so toxic and nasty it was necessary )
What am I meant to do now.

I understand if I'm told I'm being cruel here, I can see how it would be perceived but without a rather lengthy thread that covers 6 years of control, manipulation and nasty behaviour that may just be how I come across.

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 11/04/2018 07:07

I honestly wouldn't break the NC because of this situation, we had this a couple of years into our NC situation with my in-laws (we are now 6/7 years in) and very quickly found that they were using family bereavement as an opportunity to manipulate us and try to guilt trip us into allowing contact again. We instead chose to write a heartfelt sympathy card and posted it to the closest family member (apart from mil).

We have actually had to establish very strict boundaries as we were abused verbally and maliciously by several flying monkies who had been blindsided by mil (the narrative they told extended family, was so far from the truth, that it was practically a bestselling fictional novel) and decided to contact us on her behalf because there had been a family bereavement. It made an upsetting situation all the more upsetting. My DH made the decision not to attend the funeral, more because of the abuse he would clearly have received at the funeral (this was not what his Great Aunt would have wanted and out of respect for her we felt that it would have been unfair for us to attend her funeral).

We have unfortunately been in this situation once more and it was a repeat. A spouse of a relative (who DH had met only a handful of times) was very sadly dying of cancer and mil contacted DH saying that he needed to call his relative. My DH contacted this relative and was subjected to a full onslaught of abuse about our behaviour and how we needed to let inlaws back in and what a terrible person my DH was and how they used to think he was such a kind boy, what happened ....etc. DH was very upset and we were forced to get stronger with our boundaries.

DH ended up calling his parents and telling them that whilst he was very sorry to hear of the loss of their relative, that nothing had in fact changed in our personal situation. So no, contact would not be restarted. Unfortunately, the lies of my in-laws have put us in the situation that we are unable to have contact with several members of dh's Mothers family. There is too much been said and my DH's presence would cause an uproar and that would be disrespectful to the relatives who have passed away. We have decided that whilst we will decide on a case by case basis, there is going to be no benefit to anyone of DH attending any funeral.

However, your situation OP is different, it seems you are not quite at the stage of having severed contact indefinitely? In your case, I would discuss with your DH how he wants to proceed. If he wants to attend his grandmothers funeral and how he feels about this situation. I do not recommend allowing video contact with your dc, as that will allow your mil the opportunity to manipulate and distress your dc. You need to decide between you, whether this current six-week break in communication should become permanent. I would imagine they have been a lot less stressful for you all!

If your DH decides that he wants to attend the funeral just be very prepared for the flying monkeys. It will surprise you the lengths and depths that a narcissist parent is prepared to lie about you, in order to gather sympathy from extended relatives. Be prepared to be painted the villain!

Have you read either of the books, toxic parents or toxic in-laws by Susan Forward? If not I thoroughly recommend that you do. If your MIL is a toxic narcissist then keeping your children away from her negative influence is crucial.

Aussiebean · 11/04/2018 07:46

I agree not to allow the FaceTime contact.

But as your you and your dh, that depends on the relationship with the grandmother.

Was there one? Is he sad at her loss? Or is it just a ‘oh how sad’ moment then moving on l

It is his personal relationship with the grandmother that should determine any action. And any action he does take should be independent of mil.

So you can ignore, reply with a generic ‘ sorry for you loss’ or a generic card. Or even a ‘thank you for the information.

But don’t involve the kids.

Chamonix1 · 11/04/2018 11:15

Well I emailed back as I felt mean ignoring a grieving woman regardless how I feel about her, she announced she was "ok" about it all because her mum had dementia anyway and they won't be returning from their 6 week cruise a few days early to attend her own mothers funeral.
She often said she didn't visit her mum because she didn't recognise her anymore (basically my mil got nothing from visiting as her mother didn't acknowledge her as her daughter). I believe this is due to her narcissism.
I'm now fuming she's used this situation as a way I'm when clearly she doesn't care anyway.
I'm going to ignore further emails now as I've fallen for this manipulative behaviour again and feel a total idiot!
We will go to the funeral as she won't be there.
Just so angry with myself

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 11/04/2018 12:00

Don’t be. You are new to this, and working out how to actually do and fending off the boundary pushing.

You have learnt something. Your children weren’t put in any harm and you know what to do next time.

Beaverhausen · 11/04/2018 14:25

Wow she sounds like a heartless selfish woman, stick to your guns she will only have show in herself up for choosing her own holiday above her mother.

IntelligentYetIndecisive · 11/04/2018 14:31

Yeah. She sounds heartbroken. Hmm

Shizzlestix · 11/04/2018 16:03

My god, she’s a real cow, isn’t she? How manipulative! Don’t be mad at yourself, OP, just be strong now and kee0 up the nc. I don’t think it would be fair to subject your dc to this woman.

Hissy · 11/04/2018 18:34

Well she’s cleared up the doubt you might have had about whether you’d made the right call about her...

Aprilmightbemynewname · 11/04/2018 18:36

Remember a cruise doesn't give you a free personality transplant as part of the package.
She is still a bitch.
Nc again and kick yourself in the shin as a reminder not to fall for her shit again.

Chamonix1 · 17/04/2018 08:51

They're back Sunday. I'm already getting anxious and it's consuming my mind.
I know they'll expect to see the children and I know my husband will feel obliged to take them round.
Sometimes I forget how nasty she's been and think oh let's all just get along but then I look back at such petty, manipulative and controlling behaviour and just think...no, she's mad what are you thinking.
I feel actually unwell because my husband likes his dad and therefor tolerates his mother. He worries they'll die and he'll regret not seeing them, which pulls on strings for me as I lost my own dad at 10 and don't want my husband to cut them out if he doesn't want to; not for me.
But inevitably if I say no, go round along the kids don't see them anymore his relationship will fall to shit with them anyway.
God another rant, this woman makes me unwell.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 17/04/2018 09:58

School are back now op - shame if your dc had nits and had to stay home at the week end for treatment....

ohfourfoxache · 17/04/2018 10:24

Let him go, keep your dc away.

It might not be appropriate for the dc to be around her in a time of deepest grief(!)

Chamonix1 · 17/04/2018 15:22

I know that when dh turns up without them there will be a fall out and I end up feeling bad for starting it by not letting them go. (I know this is irrational!)
I can make excuses for a while but the frankly hound until you cave or start arguments over their rights as grandparents just sick of it.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 17/04/2018 15:58

Gps have no rights op.
Read +remember that.

summerinthecountry · 17/04/2018 16:05

Oh god she sounds awful.
Why does your dh have to go there at all?
I would go nc if they are that bad, and avoid at all costs, it is not healthy for your children.

applesandpears56 · 17/04/2018 16:14

Don’t be too hard about the not seeing her mum when she has dementia - it’s not not caring or narcissism. Dementia is an awful disease the person you love dies before they properly die. Visiting is awful and it ISNT the same person as you’ve known - it’s like visiting the disease.
As for not coming back for the funeral. If someone had posted on here should they cut short a 6 week holiday of a lifetime for the funeral most people probably would tell them no - have your holiday and remember your loved one in your own way. She’s dead - she won’t know who was there or not.

But you are right to keep the limits you’ve set yourself in place to manage them. Only you know them so know what boundaries are necessary.

That being said my in laws don’t give a monkeys about their grandchildren, never call, never want to see them, don’t know them at all. I would love for my in laws to want to see them.

Can you not just set a limit of a once a week visit? Your OH takes them maybe one other phone call a week and they don’t intrude any more than that?

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2018 16:36

I understand the feeling of anxiety about whether to see your MIL, I feel like that about seeing my mum, and I have very little contact with her now, which has taken a lot of stress off me.

It's understandable that you'd feel empathy for her about her losing her mum, but it is clear that she's just using it as an opportunity to worm her way back into your eyes. You should definitely stay strong and remain BC imo.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/04/2018 16:52

It is ok (and well justified) to stop listening. Drop the rope. Their rudeness deserves a response of a firm boundary no matter who they are. It is not rude for you to protect your/dcs mental health. Drop the rope. Do not engage. Your dh is the ambassador to his family of origin. No one else needs to be involved especially if you feel the need to have a detox debriefing with your dc everytime they return.

Do not feel bad. Feeling guilty is a choice-just say no to guilt. They can not make you feel guilt - however hard they may try-it still boils down to you to have control over what you feel.

Chamonix1 · 17/04/2018 17:11

We've tried al sorts.
Limited contact. Lots of contact. Them just seeing dc. Etc etc and we are just jumping through hoops and failing constantly. They just aren't happy whatever we do.

I understand about dementia but I'd still want to go and see my mum and make sure she's okay.
I'd also return from a holiday of a lifetime 5 days early to come to her funeral.
Dementia or not I'd have to support the living grieving and say goodbye to my mother. But I understand everyone's different.

OP posts:
applesandpears56 · 17/04/2018 17:39

Everyone is different. I’m a very compassionate person. So is my mum but she wasn’t even able to visit my grandma in a home with dementia - you can’t visit and check they are ok. They AREN’T ok. It’s awful.
I’m not saying you aren’t justified in your choices and agree with others stay strong and stick to the level of contact you want. I just wanted to correct you re the dementia.
Lots of people don’t go to funerals for all sorts of reasons. Perhaps her mum was awful too and where she learned her behavior?

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2018 17:42

FWIW, I agree, OP, a funeral is a time for family to come together and remember the loved one and support each other. In any case, it doesn't sound as if your MIL is particularly bothered about her mother, it was an opportunity to worm her way back into your lives.

Chamonix1 · 17/04/2018 17:54

Apples- I'm not judging anyone for their choices and every circumstance is different not everybody who doesn't visit a loved one with dementia is a narcissist I agree.
However her mother was not distressed with her dementia, she did however forget who everyone was and that must've been painful and difficult. We went to see her a fair amount and just ended up repeating the same small conversations on a loop, but it was support for my husbands Aunty who had to look after her mum full time and a chance to at least just see Nan. Why her daughter couldn't do that I'm not sure but I am sure that if we just never visited her if she ever got dementia and didn't attend her funeral mil would be turning in her grave. It's the double standards that bother me, that's really all.

OP posts:
Hissy · 17/04/2018 18:38

Do you think mil feels bad about anything she does to you/dh/dc?

She doesn’t. So whatever you do you’re going to be made to feel in the wrong, so you may as well do whatever you think is best for you and your dc.

ohfourfoxache · 17/04/2018 18:44

I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but the turning point for me was genuinely realising that my ILs wouldn’t change. And because they wouldn’t change, and because the situation I was in was just not viable any longer, I had to change.

So I pretty much stopped caring. I stopped trying, because everything I did was just not good enough. So I stopped tying myself up in knots.

I’m not going to lie to you, the situation now is shit. But it’s a better shit because I just don’t care

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