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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Possible new man

13 replies

Jellyheadbang · 11/04/2018 00:43

After practically a lifetime of dating disastrously and with a lot of codependency I might have finally met someone decent.
We’ve known each other a long time, share the same group of friends and have socialised a lot together and in groups.
We’d both always been in relationships but I’ve been properly single a few months and he’s very newly single (just over a week).
He’s now told me he’s liked me for a long time and is making it clear he wants to pursue a relationship or something with me.
I really like him and could definitely fancy him but have never thought about it too deeply as we were both couples up.
We have loads in common, morally, politically, life goals, even our kids are the same age.
I’m v hesitatant, we’re meeting Saturday and I’m thinking of telling him to hold fire. Despite having been single a while I’ve only very recently got the last of my ex’es stuff out of my house, been through some huge career stuff and just about to take in a lodger.
I’m under a lot of stress and although he ticks all my boxes (I’m on a dating site too!) I’m just not feeling ready.
I like the idea of a summer just me and my kids, and then consider whether I want to get involved.
I know for a fact he’s decent and respects women, kind, sensitive etc and he would be good to have in our lives.
I do struggle with anxiety and wonder if I’m making excuses out of fear of it going wrong before it’s even started?
Our social life is tied up together and my relationship experiences have been so negative I don’t want to implode any friendship groups plus altho was never really friends with his ex, she and I are stil ‘friends’ on social media.
It was his decision to split, not hers, I’d hate to be partially responsible for hurting her.
Not really sure why I posted, maybe to get it off my chest!
Any thoughts gratefully received!

OP posts:
underthebluemoon · 11/04/2018 00:48

'Just over a week'. That's all you need to focus on.

Tell him you are single til autumn. If he likes you enough he'll understand.

DCITennison · 11/04/2018 00:50

I think putting this to one side for a good while yet would be sensible.
You say you’ve been single ‘a while’ but a few months when kids are involved isn’t any time a time all really, and for him it’s been a week!
Just enjoying the summer without having this as an extra thing to think about would probably be a positive for all involved.

Jellyheadbang · 11/04/2018 00:52

THank you bluemoon yes I agree.
I really appreciate it.
They were together for two years, they kept splitting up and he got to a point where he said he became ‘indifferent ‘ to the relationship and had checked out a long time ago but all I see is a guy who’s only been single a week!
So yes, I will tell him and see where that leaves things.
I’m happy to continue our friendship and spend time getting to know him in his newly single guise as well as me in mine , I’d love to settle down and have a partnership but not like this!

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Jellyheadbang · 11/04/2018 00:53

Thank you DCI
Glad I shared on here as thought I was making too big a thing of it in my head.

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ferrier · 11/04/2018 00:54

I think if he's that interested in you he'll be happy to wait until the autumn to give his recently ended relationship a chance to be put to bed properly and no potentially messy accusations of overlap etc.

Jellyheadbang · 11/04/2018 00:56

Yes ferrier id hate to be implicated in anything!

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adayatthebeach · 11/04/2018 00:58

I don’t see a problem with casual dating. Just tell him you want to enjoy his company now and then. You didn’t say are you worried about him wanting to rushing into a physical relationship?

Jellyheadbang · 11/04/2018 01:04

adayatthebeach despite having the raging horn I don’t want to enter into anything physical with him or anybody else at the moment.
I know if I did that it’s hard to maintain the degree of distance I require.
Once I’ve dtd I get quite attached!
I’m able to say no to sex until I’m ready so not necessarily worried about that.
I’ve been through some massive changes lately (in fact for the last decade but 2018 has been relentless so far!) .
I want to move toward a calmer time now.
I’m secretly excited that I might have the chance of a decent lasting relationship just not yet!

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Jellyheadbang · 14/04/2018 13:24

update I cancelled tonight, v tired and have a shitload to do!
He was v gracious, we shall see....

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ferrier · 15/04/2018 22:18

Indeed. No hurry. Enjoy taking things slowly. If he's interested he'll hang around.

Jellyheadbang · 15/04/2018 23:10

Thank you ferrier 😊

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Khaleesi0 · 16/04/2018 06:24

The only advice I'd give is to just keep seeing him as a friend and see how it goes...

Jellyheadbang · 17/04/2018 00:02

Khaleesi0 yes that’s what I’ll do, he doesn’t seem in a rush to get going anywhere yet.
He has really backed off since I cancelled Saturday but still drops nice messages and makes me laugh, we shall see...

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