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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and Mother

46 replies

Renaissance18 · 10/04/2018 22:38

In a nutshell; they don’t get on.

She doesn’t think he’s good enough (I earn more and have a degree) and he thinks she is a snob (she has spent her life trying to give my siblings and I the start she never had).

She is beyond rude to him when we visit, to the point he’s terrified to even boil the kettle in case she makes comment, she then in turn says he is useless and doesn’t do anything.

I’ve spoken to her on numerous occasions about her lack of respect towards him. He in turn is fed up of trying to get her to like him. But it got to a ridiculous level this weekend at a family event when he was upset to the point of tears at the way she is with him. He wanted to know why he wasn’t good enough etc, I know this makes him sound dead soft but it was totally heartbreaking.

This is obviously very upsetting and stressful for me. I am incredibly close to my mum, I partly try and empathise with her feelings (she was abandoned by my father and had a real struggle to bring us all up; never married or went on dates = all men are scum etc), but her lack of respect for my decision in who I decided to marry and her behaviour towards someone that I love is just awful.

I’ve come to the sad conclusion that it’s best for all concerned that I keep them separate. But it makes me sad for Christmas, Birthdays etc and this is before we have children!

Would really appreciate anyone’s advice or experiences of this?!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/04/2018 22:41

I think your Mum is the problem and you need to put in firm boundaries - she is not respecting you or your choices...

Littlefish · 10/04/2018 22:43

If she is "beyond rude", has a "lack of respect", and thinks "all men are scum", then I think you owe it to your dh to give her an ultimatum that she either behaves respectfully and politely to him, or you will stop seeing her.

Does she have any grounds at all for behaving like this? Has he done anything to warrant her behaviour, other than earn less than you?

BetterEatCheese · 10/04/2018 22:43

What does she say when you confront her about it?

newdaylight · 10/04/2018 22:47

I think you need to have your dh's back and if she doesn't listen, stop seeing her.

SandyY2K · 10/04/2018 22:49

You need to tell her this isn't on. It's disrespectful. You chose him to be your husband and she's being abusive towards him to be frank.

You felt he was good enough for you and that's all that matters.

Personally... I'd tell my mum to be nice or she won't be seeing me anymore OR keep them apart.

He's your life partner and you need to have his back.

"For better, for worse, forsaking all others"

Golondrina · 10/04/2018 22:50

She sounds like mine. I haven't spoken to her in over 3 years.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 10/04/2018 22:52

Sounds like a very nasty woman. Not sure why you’d want to be around her, let alone your husband. Poor bloke.

Babdoc · 10/04/2018 22:53

I think your mum is projecting her own anger and unhappiness about the way her own ex husband treated her, onto your poor blameless DH.
She could benefit from some counselling about it. She may fear that all men are like that, and be expecting your DH to abuse or leave you.
Could you see her separately from your DH, and try to get her to open up about her issues? And if necessary, gently warn her that your loyalty now has to be to DH, not her, and she risks losing you if she continues in this vein.

Cricrichan · 10/04/2018 22:55

Your mum is completely out of order. You need to tell her that you love her but unless she changes her behaviour you're going to have to stop seeing her.

Vangoghsear · 10/04/2018 22:57

Who is more important? If the answer is your mother then separate from your DH because it is not fair on him. If the answer is your DH then you have to tell your mother that she must treat him with respect as he is your chosen partner. If she doesn't you need to distance yourself or go NC until she gets the message. It's no good making excuses for her if she is reducing your DH to tears.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 10/04/2018 23:00

You made vows to your dh yet you allow him to be treated like shit in his own house??
Some dw.

Prestonsflowers · 10/04/2018 23:02

As you are close you should tell her that she is putting you in a very bad position.
He’s your husband, as others say you chose him and love him and are happy with your choice.
As she has no respect for you in your life decisions then tell her to back off and explain that you won’t get involved with her unless she shuts up.
She’s treating you like a child who can’t make their own life decisions.

cowgirlblues · 10/04/2018 23:03

Oh no, think you need to be a bit more gentle with your mum. Can you have some time to sit down with her and gently explain that you love her but love him too and list all the loving ways he treats you?

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/04/2018 23:05

Tbh, I think she would have been like that even if you'd married Prince William (he would have thought he was 'above everyone' and should go and get a proper job). She just doesn't like men.

Have you asked her if she'd rather you were with your kind, easy going lower earning husband, or with a high achiever who earned squillions and beat you up every night?

She doesn't want you with any man at all. She'd like you to live at home and listen to her telling you how men are no good and desert you. Have your husband's back and only see her sparingly, if at all.

counterpoint · 10/04/2018 23:11

Reading between the lines, I think you agree with your mum but somehow couldn't manage to do better.

Original poster
Renaissance18 · 10/04/2018 23:15

Thank you all.

I agree with the comments about no one being good enough! Which is why I never take her opinion over past boyfriends.

I was just hoping that someone may have a solution that doesn’t involve NC or divorce Grin will speak to her (again) and then give it a cooling off period.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/04/2018 23:20

It would be unfair to bring children into this situation...where Grandma has so little respect for their dad. He's going to end up feeling emasculated and inferior because of her, which could ultimately lead to serious issues in your marriage.

OnTheRise · 11/04/2018 08:33

The solution is for her to treat your husband with respect. The way to achieve this is to put boundaries in place and then enforce them consistently. You're the person who has to do this.

She won't like it. She will kick back. But your husband is being abused by her, and it isn't fair for you to allow this to continue.

StealthNinjaMum · 11/04/2018 09:57

You seem so passive and disrespectful to your husband. And she has form for doing this with other boyfriends? You say that you have spoken to her on numerous occasions and she's ignored you and yet you're very close to a woman who actually disrespects you and your husband. I'm sorry to be blunt but f he were writing this post I would tell him to leave you.

I would treat her like a toddler. You give her a warning and a consequence. If she ignores the warning you follow up with the consequence - perhaps making her leave your house every single time she steps out of line?

My dm was rude to my dh and I took his side - because he is a decent man and I have chosen to spend my life with him - and I cut contact for a couple of years. We got back in contact and then she smoked in front of my baby so I cut contact again. She is a difficult woman but she has learnt boundaries and she loves her grandchildren and respects her my parenting choices.

bonnyshide · 11/04/2018 10:03

You need to support your DH on this.

Tell her that unless she treats him with politeness and respect then you will not be seeing her as a family. He should not have to put up with it.

She is disrespecting both of you.

badtoworse · 11/04/2018 10:24

This sounds very like my mother, right down to the thing about her having suffered with relationships with men in the past. I had a long thread about it a few years ago. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long
It's a long story, but ultimately I am not now in contact with her.
Your mother is being hugely disrespectful and interfering. She's forcing you to make a choice, hoping/assuming you will choose her. But it is very manipulative and dysfunctional behaviour. I would put money on the fact that she's manipulative and overbearing/needy in other ways.
Your husband is the partner you have chosen in life, so unless you have a problem with him then you need to support him and tell your mother to back the fuck off.

cakecakecheese · 11/04/2018 10:44

I hate to play the 'if this this was the other way round' card but if this was the other way round you'd want your husband to stand up for you and to stop his mother from being disrespectful to you. She's reduced him to tears! That's not on. Imagine if you had to go through that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/04/2018 11:06

cakecakecheese
I hate to play the 'if this this was the other way round' card

If it were the other way round she would have a 'DH problem'

AreWeDoingThisNow · 11/04/2018 11:42

Have you always been her doormat?

She's not just being truly awful to him, she's being massively disrespectful to you and your choices.

My mum took an instant dislike to DH when I started seeing him (he was living at home whilst retraining at 32 and I was self sufficient and 26 so maybe some concern warranted). I told her to be nice or keep quiet. Eventually 6 months NC proved I was serious and now she thinks the sun shines out of his arse (now good job, own home, married, DC).

She's a gaslighting self-centred mare who always loves to push my buttons though, so it was and easy choice.

Northernparent68 · 11/04/2018 13:05

Op, is counterpoint right ? Do you agree with your mother ? I notice you describe him crying and refer to that as soft. Have you lost respect for him ?