A big conversation

[Lexjo]

Hi all

I'm a mid term lurker, have read about penis beaker and screaming at MichaelAngelo () so I am not a troll!

Here is my dilemma...

I've been with my bf for 7 years. I'm 36, he is 38. We have bought a house together. No children. Both work FT. He is self-employed, I'm employed.

Throughout the relationship, he has made noises about getting married and having a family. Now, that's all very well, but for the past 3 - 4 years, our sex life has gone to pot. I'm the only one who initiates it and often I am rejected. To be honest, I've just learned to deal with it, up until now to the point of 'I can't be bothered either then'

When I have spoken to him about it, he says he is tired/stressed/not in the mood/doesn't want to be pressured. So I'd just resigned myself to a shit sex relationship.

Everything else in the relationship is fine. It's just the sex. Or lack of.

So as not to drip feed:

He has been on anti d's for past 2.5 years, however the low sex drive has been a problem for a long time before then.

I'm sure (as you can be) that he's not addicted to porn or has anyone else on the go. We all know you can never 100% be sure, but I don't think it's this.

He has said before he has a low sex drive, despite the first couple of years being fine sex wise (2-3 times a week)

I look pretty much the same as I've always done. If anything, I weigh a bit less than I did when we met. I know looks shouldn't come into it, but I don't look any different to the me from seven years ago, really. Just a bit older!

I'm planning on having 'the big conversation' with him later this week. I guess what I'm looking for is a bit of a hand hold/kick up the bum to do it. Would you do what I'm doing? The rest of the relationship is good, he just won't sleep with me.

I'm desperate to have this conversation as I don't want to wait another seven years only to find out he never wanted to marry me/have children. As I'm 36, I know the children thing would be a bonus. To be honest having a partner who wants to shag me is my main priority right now. Is that so bad? Should I throw away all of this just so I can feel desired again? God that sounds so selfish... and entitled. I feel awful. And so guilty. He is a great guy. Maybe he just doesn't fancy me anymore?

I'm rambling... any advice, support etc is hugely appreciated.

Thank you

Anti depressants side affect is loss of sex drive, it did it to both my DH and me when we took them. If it was low already the pills have probably just killed it off, it's not you. X

From personal experience and that of others (Dead Bedrooms on Reddit) mismatched sex drives like the one you're describing can eat away at self esteem over time and cause resentment. I don't think you're being selfish or entitled. Is there a reason behind his depression and consequent need to take ADs? Could you tackle that first? Both depression and the taking of ADs diminish sex drive, as Lemonyknickers has said. Hope your big conversation goes well!

We had the chat, but he became very defensive, blaming everything on work and not having enough time, saying this was just the way it is and to basically deal with it. He was not in a receptive mood, so there was little point continuing the chat. I'm going to write him a letter about how I feel and what I think we should do and give that to him at the weekend. Feeling very lost and sad right now.

Lots of people work full time and have stress and worries but still make time for sex, it’s a big part of a relationship is being intimate.
I suppose you have to now decide if you want a sexless relationship (although there’ll be no kids in this scenario) or start again and meet someone who shares your sex drive and have a family. Good luck.

Imo your relationship should take priority over his job.
He is fobbing you off.
Find someone who won't.

I'd say that your sex life now is as good as it'll ever be with him. It's up to you whether you want to settle for a live-in friend or whether you want a romantic and sexual life.

Sex is important, feeling desired and desiring are fantastic feelings. It's not 'entitled' to want to feel that. Or selfish.

He sounds great - as a brother. Do you really want to sit out your fertility this way? He's not going to suddenly change and be able to maintain it. This is what he has to offer. I'd recommend you don't settle for it.

oh this is very sad.
I did similar. now 39 and on my own, no kids. it's depressing, but I didnt leave until 2 years ago. I think I left it to late.
same, he would never want sex.
in the end I resented him, but I wish I had left or he had changed much earlier.
I think writing a letter is a good idea. you really have to spell out what you want and if he doesnt want it you HAVE to walk away right now.
not in 1.5 years
because you'll end up hating him, I still feel very angry at times with my ex, but ultimately it was my choice to stay and waste my fertile years, I have to accept the consequences of my decisions.

I'm a bit agog that after 7 years, you haven't married and aren't seriously TTC (you say you want kids). You haven't got years and years to stew on this. He sounds a bit lacklustre to me. What's he waiting for?

Also, if he's sooo tired now and can't make time for sex, what on earth would he be like, with a couple of kids making demands on his time and sleep?

I think a letter is a good idea. But.... I think you have to have a discussion about the much wider topics....marriage, babies etc. This relationship needs to move to the next level, if you want to achieve any of these things. The biological clock doesn't run for ever.

Wanting to feel desired by a person you love and share an intimate life with is not selfish or entitled.

Purely anecdotal but I have a friend who's partner lost interest in sex almost immediately at the beginning of their relationship. They had therapy, hormone level tests, some hormonal treatments, more therapy, and they are now married and miraculously have a child. However, they do not have any sex life at all.

As a bystander, I found it tough to see my friend question their desirability, whether they had done something wrong/should do something differently, etc., and for a time it really damaged their confidence. I image they have made their peace with it and are happy now (still married) but if your partner is not prepared to talk or to explore avenues to reestablish a satisfying sex life for both of you, then he is not really meeting you half way or trying to fulfill your needs.

Sorry, it's not going to get better. So many women find themselves in this situation. I suspect those who are in long term relationships where sex is as good as it ever was are the exception. Leave him so you can find someone who wants to have sex and children with you.

This is dead in the water so don't prolong the agony. There is no point talking and talking to him about it. It isn't his fault and notning can make it better. You will always be left with the feeling that you are ' making' him have sex.

So 6 months to a year into your relationship he started taking anti deppresants and your sex life dwindled at the same time.

It does sound like its his mental health and or the medication used to manage it that is the problem.

I wouldnt write him a letter to be honest.

Your need for sex is not the battle he needs to overcome right now in fact I suspect it would just add to his deppression being pressured about it.

If I was you Id decide if I want to stay support him to get the help he needs (because if 6 years in he is still deppresed the medication does not appear to be the solution- maybe he needs therapy). However this option would mean putting my need aside for a while.

Or Id leave and find someone who does not have a mental health issue that prevents them from meeting my needs fully.

It's not going to get better. Sorry. You would be much better off leaving.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have been swinging from one way to the next with it all. The easy option of course is for me to continue to bury my head in the sand. It's what I've been doing for years anyway, hoping it would get better and it hasn't. I need to put on some big girl pants now and do the thing.

I'm redrafting the letter to give to him at the weekend. But now I'm thinking any kind of initiation on his part will be because I have forced him to do it. And as someone said, if we ever have kids then he really will be tired. I'm fed up of his excuses... but I think I'm getting fed up of my own excuses more.

Tempted to forget the letter and just leave. I feel like I should give him/us one more chance... will redraft the letter....

I do love him, but again - as one of you said, it's like a brother! Or a friend. I need to feel sexually desired again. I'll spell it out to him and see what happens.

There's too major things that jump out from your last post.

Tempted to forget the letter and just leave. I feel like I should give him/us one more chance... will redraft the letter....

One more chance would, in all likelihood; just mean settling for what you have. He won't magically change. His libido is unlikely to suddenly return with a vengeance.

But you also mention loving him like a brother; and I wonder if that's the problem. If you view it objectively, is this still a romantic relationship, or is it more like a sibling relationship? Are you just scared to part because it's familiar, and splitting would be hard?

I don't think you can make further demands on him to initiate and want sex; not because it's unreasonable, but because it won't happen. He can't change who he is and any attempts to make that happen would be very temporary on his behalf and cause more frustration for you both. Equally, you can't stay unless you can genuinely make peace with the situation as it is. It's very difficult to see this as anything but the end of the road, objectively.

The thing is, if he does change as a result of an ultimatum it's unlikely to be permanent. So you could be back here in 6 months time after a blissful 3 months followed by a back-to-the-old-way 3 months.

If you leave, his actions (note - actions, not words) will be more telling.

Is counselling an option? Either singly or jointly?

I honestly don't see the point in the letter. You've raised the issues and he's pretty much told you to deal with it.

You either settle avd accept celibacy.

OR

You end the relationship.

Does he want to seek intimacy elsewhere?

Don't waste your time and miss out on having kids.

If both people have low sex drives them they can have a great relationship- it’s the mismatching of yours and his that is a problem. Especially if you do want children. 36 is definitely leaving it a bit late, but if you stay in a sexless relationship you are absolutely not going to have children. Whereas at least if you tried to find someone else more suited to you who also wants a family, you do still have a few years to do so before your fertility really declines. And at least you’ll know you tried. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Agree with the others any change isn’t going to be permanent.

The letter IS essentially burying your head in the sand, as you are just delaying it for another 6-12 months. unless you use it for yourself to help give you closure and move on in which case scribble away!

You are time wasting yourself and if you want kids you need to take action now

There really are only three options, OP.

1. Live the rest of your life as a childless celibate nun 2)Take a lover, either a)with or b)without your DP's knowledge and approval 3)Leave and find a partner who does actually want to have sex. I've been amazed at how many women seem to be in your position these days. I wonder if this was always a thing, and my generation were too embarrassed to talk about it, or whether modern men are losing their libido along with their sperm counts? My friends and contemporaries back in the 1970's were having sex at least every night, ( giddy with the joy of freely available contraception and the sexual revolution!) and my IL's complained that FIL's bp tabs had caused impotence when they were both in their 80's, ruining their v active sex life! I hope whatever you decide to do works out ok for you, and gives you a happy and fulfilling life. My money is on option 3.

I do love him, as in I am in love with him. Definitely. He is the man I would love to live out my days with. We get on well and have similar outlook on life etc. he's hardworking, loyal, good around the house, very caring - whenever I'm ill he can never do enough for me. It's literally the lack of sex or any intimacy.

I suggested counselling instead of anti d's in the past, but he wasn't interested. I don't think that will fix it.

Like you are all suggesting, I just need to man up to the fact it's over. I'm heart broken having to admit it to myself, but surely it's better now rather than ten years down the line when I'll be filled with resentment for not sorting this sooner. Seven years is bad enough, isn't it? I think I have lost all hope for us right now. X

So sorry for you. Many women are in this situation but already have their kids and so there is less reason to disturb the status quo. You are only 36, want kiddies and deserve a decent sex life. This poor chap can't (not won't) give you that.

Sort it out soon by leaving to find yourself and your life. The longer it goes on the less chance you have of leaving. This man will also get a chance to find a new romance that may reinvigorate him. You both deserve the chance.