I'm fed up being there for friends then when I need someone, no one's there

[ssd]

just that really

had a few times of being a good friend to various people, then when it's my turn they aren't there

I know everyone has something going on in their lives and we all don't know what goes on in someones head..but...I seem to be the default person people go to when they need a shoulder or a sympathetic ear, then they forget about me and dont seem to think I'd like a chat or someone to lean on at times

it just gets me down sometimes and I feel myself withdrawing from certain people for a bit...getting drawn into others drama's can stop for a while while I care for myself.

(and please dont tell me to make knew friends)

new not knew, bloody hell

Well if the problem isn't that you need new friends maybe the problem is that you like being in all their little dramas or maybe you have martyr tendencies?

😞
It might be that they lean on everyone, not just you. What support are you looking for?

@RunRabbitRunRabbit

I dont know Etino, just someone not to cancel on me whenever it suits them or someone to ask...and how are you doing ssd?

I know its just how things fall sometimes but lately it feels like my friends think ssd's always ok as she never complains, so they do what they like

just need a break from some friends just now, till this feeling goes away

It’s so hard because the way to not be taken for granted in a family is to occasionally lose your shit and say no, that’s not on! Harder with friends...

Have you told them you need them now? Do they genuinely believe you are fine or do they know that you must need support just now?

Is this one person in particular?

@RunRabbitRunRabbit makes a good point. You need to tell your friends you need support. If they’ve leant in you in the past, they may not recognise that you supporting now.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking others are mind readers and that if they don't pick up on our psychological states then they are somehow lacking. But people can't know unless we make it clear. You may simply need to withdraw for a while from such friends to let them get the message and to remove yourself from their "dramas". I got fed up with friends saying "let's meet for coffee sometime" and then never arranging an actual day but left it to me to suggest a specific day, time, venue and then we're happy to trot along. I think some people love being chased and find it almost beneath them to show that they need contact. I've started giving these people a wide berth and have actually been cultivating some new friendships. Sometimes it's good to mix with new people and become less available to those who perhaps take you for granted.

If you have cast yourself as the eternal helper/shoulder to cry on, it can make you weirdly invisible within the relationship, because you’re servicing their woes/crisis/problem, and sometimes they over-share and don’t necessarily want to see you at cheerier times, because they associate you with their problems.

Agree that you need to tell them you are struggling and need help, especially if they’re used to you being the listening ear. No one wonders if their counsellor/shrink is feeling down.

most of my friend know I'm struggling but I think they see me as someone who gets on with it as I never complain...maybe i should be complaining more and stop being so bloody nice all the time...then I'm scared they won't want to know me if I say anything..am not used to standing up for myself, I've just realised that.

I have experienced something similar.

There are people who are better at receiving support than giving it.

People who are better at giving support than receiving it.

And people who are good at keeping the giving and receiving of support pretty equal.

The last time I needed support I took the time to stop and really notice who was there for me. I now try and prioritise those people in my life. With those people who weren't supportive I thought about whether there were valid reasons for that and whether there were qualities that made up for it. E.g. I have some friends who aren't terribly supportive but who are entertaining or interesting to spend time with.

There's one friend who is pretty rubbish at support but who I enjoy spending time with. They are still a good friend but I don't always say yes to favours now and I'm more upfront when they forget to pay me back!

Another friend is quiet but really good at practical support. I'm now really careful not to take them for granted or to forget to be as good a friend back.

Maybe you need to do a bit of rebalancing in your relationships. You can get stuck in the supportive role sometimes I think.

thanks emily, spot on

I can relate to this. More than one friend has said "but you always seem so capable" and "you always do what you want in the end" my father once said "why do you want advice, you'll do as you always do, ignore it and do something else"

It's true. I do seek opinions, I don't always seek support in the same way that others do. Giving me time to speak and listening is enough, I will always weigh up everything I hear, but ultimately I will do as I wish. I never follow advice to the letter.

And I'm always happy to listen. I am someone who will listen. I ask questions, I don't give prescriptive advice, unless I'm weary and short on patience!

People feel cheated of their time and effort when advice is ignored. I don't. I accept that each individual must think critically and reach their own conclusions. I'm happy if I can help someone to work things out for themselves.

Even people paid to give advice have reached a similar conclusion to family and friends. But I bet my last shilling that all these people secretly feel validation only when you do as they say. People, ALL people are "right" and yet so few are.