Advice please not sure what to do :(

[Icecreamlover63]

Good Evening Everyone,
Please can i have some advice. I'm not sure what to do and i feel a little hopeless. Hopefully somebody on here can show me the way.
Here goes...My daughter who is 24 is going out with a lovely lad from the Army (UK) who is the same age. They get on very, very well. He is lovely and polite and makes her happy. Here is the problem.
On a monthly basis he is skint he gets a good wage and is based in London. He comes to our house every weekend and i cook and do his washing for him and he is very grateful. (A beautiful bouquet of flowers on Mothers Day).
He is saving a set amount each month and so is my daughter for a house. But occasionally at the end of the month he will be short and she has on a couple of occasions given him the odd £20. To my knowledge he has paid this back. He doesn't smoke and he doesn't drink only if he goes out for a meal. He does not take any recreational drugs! He does however like to bet and my estimate is between £20 per week. Today is the 10th of the month. At the weekend he won £150 and today he asked my daughter for £100 out of the savings account. I am just sitting here wondering if he is getting himself into trouble with betting! He came out with some story that the Army needed £100 for a benevolent fund. He said that work were chasing him. Well i'm no fool if today is the 10th why did he not take the money out of his current account. Why after winning all that money at the weekend did he need to get funds from elsewhere?

He is going to an Army racing day next week and he has told my daughter he just wanted to make sure he had enough money for this...but i just have a bad feeling about this. It just doesn't sit right.
I'm not sure what to do. I know it is none of my business but i really don't believe all of this benevolent fund story and i hate to think of my daughter being made a mug of and lied to.
What would you do?

Does she listen to your opinion generally?

Would she be open to looking at some information about warning signs of dating someone with a gambling addiction?

It does sound like he's lying to obtain money to gamble with doesn't it.

You can't make her decisions for her but you can for example say you're not comfortable cooking for them regularly if it makes money available to feed an addiction.

This is maybe quite an extreme approach though.

I have quite strong feelings about gambling and about dishonesty.

I have very strong feelings about anyone lying. However i cannot prove this in this situation but i smell a big fat rat!!
I have a very good relationship with his mother and i'm almost contemplating ringing her and explaining all of this to her. I DO NOT ever interfere but i am genuinely concerned about him. When he went on a deployment she was given (by him) access to his bank accounts. Maybe she could check i don't know. Its a real fix!
On the one hand he has not lied to my daughter before about anything and is very devoted to her. However there is no fool like an old fool.

I have to say I don't think I would be happy with this either.
On the plus side he is asking her and not just taking (I'm assuming it's a joint account) but it would still be a red flag .have you spoken to her about it op?

Army personnel, even new recruits, get a decent wage, almost free accomodation and food, no bills. Unless he's got an expensive loan for a new car etc he certainly shouldnt be skint by 10th of the month.

So perhaps a more general conversation with your daughter around their budgeting and saving goals would give you more information and focus her attention on his expenditure. You cant just go wading in with accusations of gambling.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 thank you for your reply.
No i haven't spoken to her as i cannot very well accuse him of lying without any proof.This is just my gut instinct.

My daughter is a smart cookie and said to him, 'well next time they demand this sort of money from you at work put them onto me and i will transfer it direct to them'. I would have thought by that reaction he will know she is onto him.
Would you phone his Mother?

Sunnyshores Good Evening and thank you for your reply.
I completely agree i would never just go in, and accuse him of gambling. He has to be fair made no secret of the fact he does a £15 acc on the football on a Saturday. If he has a win and only if he has a win, will he put another bet on, if no win he doesn't. He hasn't tried to hide this from us. I also understand he wants to make sure he has enough money for the Army race day. However i truly do not believe him about a benevolent fund and would have rather he told the truth. But like i say i have no proof , just a gut feeling.

I would speak to his mum but not to accuse him of lying. I would be raising a concern that he may be in difficulty and need help.

Gambling is a serious addiction and with access to fast turning markets, it is easy to lose money quickly.

Be tactful and sensitive and see how she reacts. A relative of mine lost everything because her husband had gambled everything away online.

Having seen the results of gambling addiction with a member of my family I feel very strongly about it. I would have no dealings with a gambler.

What rank is he? That would give a better idea on what he's earning. Food he has to pay for himself these days but the camp meals are not expensive.

A lot of young military get into gambling sadly, but he's def not being asked for £100 for the benevolent fund, you take money from it to offset adventure training and the like.

What distance and how frequently is he seeing your daughter...train or car?

I can't see it being drugs....would be very very stupid to run the risk.

Payday loans?? We have big problems with these....

The most common type of skintness is purely not having any financial sense and A lot of young ones tend the blow their wages on designer clothes and nights out within first 2 weeks. Getting flashy cars on ridiculous finance is also a common thing.

combatbarbie
Good Evening he is a private but he has been in the Army for 5 years and he is based in London Central. So i believe he gets some kind of London Allowance. He come to us by underground and sometimes by car, it all depends on the day. (Fridays are a nightmare getting out of London and the tube is better). He has a car loan of £230 a month and insurance of £90 a month he also saves a set amount by standing order with my daughter for a house. I do not think for one moment he is taking drugs as he is paranoid about taking hayfever tablets! But i am concerned i truly am and i'm at a loss as to what to do.

Hi, a privates wage is not much at all although our wages are deemed to be better than the national average.

London waiting pay is not a lot either so after his accommodation charges have come out and he pays for his meals, running a car etc it won't go far I'm afraid. Doesn't sound like he's up to no good just perhaps not the best at budgeting. The fact he's saving is a good sign though, how much are we talking roughly?

God I'm still the same on millionaires weekend/pay day sometimes but I have the budget to do so.

He’s 24 - don’t speak to his mum!

You need to take a massive step back here OP. His finances may be your DD's concern, but they are not yours.

I cannot believe that you would consider ringing a 24 year old man's mother to discuss his behaviour.

All you can do is share your concern with your daughter. Just ask whether she's happy with their financial situation and savings goals and how she feels about him running out of cash regularly. If she wants your advice after that she'll ask for it.

Otherwise, stay the hell out! They're grown adults in a relationship. If you spoke to his mother you'd look like a boundaryless lunatic and cause much bad feeling between you and everyone else in this situation. In the nicest way possible you sound a bit overinvolved in another adult's relationship and need to take a step back.

Just talk to your daughter. She can decide what to do about it

Hello, maybe sit him down and talk to him like a mother. Tell him about your concerns and let him know you are here for him no matter what.

I think that contacting his mother is an absolutely terrible idea and likely to damage all sorts of relations, including between you and your daughter.

My daughter is a smart cookie and said to him, 'well next time they demand this sort of money from you at work put them onto me and i will transfer it direct to them'. I would have thought by that reaction he will know she is onto him. I think that you should treat your daughter like the intelligent adult she sounds. Ask her what she thinks about him needing money so early in the month. If she's a smart cookie, she'll know that you think there's more to it and will hopefully give you the chance to voice your suspicions. If you go behind her back, you're likely to lose her trust and make her very cross with you.

LimonViola
I am not going on a whim here... I would only speak to his Mum if I thought he absolutely needed her help. Otherwise I steer very clear. I am keeping very quiet in the background observing and if anyone wants me they know where to find me.

I honestly think he’s just a typical guy and extremely bad at budgeting. I don’t think he’s got a gambling problem. I do think you should have a talk with your daughter though about it because there was a thread on here not so long ago and this woman had a boyfriend who lived with her and literally spent all his wage on himself and even spent money out of their savings, then was constantly tapping off her. She asked him to leave eventually as she was so fed up of the responsibility of finances whereas he didn’t worry about finances because he had her to letch off.

My ds is a bit older than that and l have to acknowledge he often taps me for 20 coming up to pay day. He doesn't drink or gamble but likes nice clothes and eats lunch out far too often. But on a starting wage its difficult to budget for a month until you get used to it. found it impossible over 30 years ago.
But the gamblibg is an issue. Could you draw your dds attention to stuff about gambling online or in the paper.? There are a few sportspeople who have la ded in diffi ulty over it. You can be gauranteed that he is gambling more than he pretends. On the football and then off to the races.. I would be concerned as there is a big issue with gambling online now as its so easy. It looks like he lied and that is the start of a slippery slope. If he ever acknowledges its becoming an issue they probably have help in the army for it. But you can only warn your dd. Hopefully she listens to you.
I do think you know a bit too much about their private life so be careful there. But you are right to see that gambling as an issue.