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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separation / Divorce

16 replies

Lost3478 · 10/04/2018 17:25

Hope this is ok for a bloke to post a thread.

I have recently been told, by my wife of 18 years, that she has had an online relationship with a another man since October 2017 and that she is looking to leave me leaving the four children with me for another life 3 hours away in the North East of England. Following the revelation I have had a lot of very low points where if it were not for the children I wouldn't be here now.

My wife has met the chap once (20 years he senior) and decided to move but wants her half of the house (which she is entitled to legally) which I am trying to sort out now. I am not sleeping and feel an intense sense of grief all of the time, it is as if she has died, counselling has not helped and it is as if she has been brain washed, to add to this I now find out the partner of the chap in question hasn't even been told any of this is happening......I am totally lost!

I have filed for divorce on the grounds of "Unreasonable Behavior" but still cannot get how we got to this stage, yes, as in all marriages we didn't talk sometimes but it wasn't an unhappy marriage.

Can anyone offer any advice on what to do to lessen the pain and lessen the impact this will have on the children once she leaves?

OP posts:
ovendoor · 10/04/2018 18:46

I am so sorry you're going through this.

Has she spoken to you any further? This seems such a big step for such a short time, and only actually meeting the guy once. How is she in herself?

Original poster
Lost3478 · 10/04/2018 19:02

That is the thing, she has said she hasn't loved me for some time so therefore is fine in herself, she rarely shows emotion and is intent on moving to be with an unknown entity...to do this she leaves her home, children and job!

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 10/04/2018 19:10

First off I would tell her that while she might well be entitled to half of the house, that doesn't mean she can snap her fingers and have it magically appear in her bank account. She will have to wait. In fact if you are staying in the house as main carer for the kids, she may have to wait a while. Have you asked for legal advice about this?

Sorry this has happened to you. I am also in the position of my DH wanting to split, saying he has been unhappy for a long time but all of it was out of the blue to me. It is a huge shock. There is another thread at the moment started by a poster whose husband has left her for someone else and that describes exactly the shock of it. Like being hit by a sledgehammer. I can't offer much useful advice yet but I can empathise. I too am lost.

MrsBertBibby · 10/04/2018 19:20

Please don't give her any money until you have taken legal advice.

You should under no circumstances give her a penny until you have an order setting out her entitlement and dismissing her claims.

Original poster
Lost3478 · 10/04/2018 19:23

No, she won't get a penny until a "Consent order" is agreed, this is all alien to me and yes...like a sledgehammer to my whole well being

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 10/04/2018 19:55

You may well be entitled to stay in the house until the kids are adults or potentially a bigger slice of the equity because you’ll need to house them and she clearly won’t.

As PP have said - don’t agree to anything at all until you’ve seen a solicitor and established what you’d be due.

Treacletoots · 10/04/2018 20:15

Also agree with above. She's leaving you and your children and expects to take her half. As if.

You stay in the matrimonial home. You ask her for maintenance and you tell her not a chance with the equity interest the children are all grown up.

So sorry you're going through this. It's always incredibly hard. All you can do is to try and accept this new reality and move forwards. Looking back only gives you pain and 'what ifs'. You'll be surprised how quickly things start to feel better. Honest

Treacletoots · 10/04/2018 20:16

Sorry. Equity until the children are grown up. Was meant to read

Original poster
Lost3478 · 10/04/2018 20:19

Just want her gone if I'm honest, keep on seeing her every day is hurting me even more, just need to be able to move on

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 10/04/2018 20:24

Is your dw having a breakdown - i cannot understand how she can move to be with a man she has only met once.

Was I right in reading the man concerned isn’t aware of her intentions to move closer to him!!

He may already have a family Confused

Treacletoots · 10/04/2018 20:27

Completely understandable, given the circumstances. Since she's already announced she's leaving you, what's taking so long? I'd be tempted to pack her stuff and change the locks but... I'm not your legal advisor! I was once stuck in a similar situation with an ex flaunting his new partners and we ended up selling but that period where we both were in the house...argh!

It will go horribly wrong for her. You will get over this, quicker than you realise. You will get a lovely new life and hers will no doubt fall around her. Karma is a bitch. Just be there for your DC, that's your priority.

Original poster
Lost3478 · 10/04/2018 20:48

Thanks both....he does have a partner and a teenage girl both of which don't know about my W. Karma is a bitch and I can see it going pear shape but have tried and tried and she just won't listen....she goes on Pinterest and saves / sends some horrible things (sexual) and I can see some pictures to which horrify me, I feel like a 40 year old woman is being groomed, only she likes it

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 10/04/2018 20:56

Sorry to be harsh but block, block, block! All forms of contact from now on. You don't need reminders and she's old enough to know what a complete twunt she's being. Sorry I can offer advice about your DC but only that you will come out of this, and you'll be OK.

letsdolunch321 · 10/04/2018 21:12

Strange woman. As Treacle said it will all go wrong for her and karma will do its thing.

Take care of yourself and your dc’s

waterSpider · 10/04/2018 21:13

Yes do take advice: "wants her half of the house (which she is entitled to legally) which I am trying to sort out now.". When kids are involved, what you may believe are strict ownership laws do not apply the same way. Google 'mesher order' for instance - delaying any sale till kids are older. Or, if her housing needs are going to be met, she may be entitled to less than half.

On the other hand, if you can afford to 'buy her out' now, it may be a sensible idea and gets things done with.

As others have said, if you're the carer she should be paying child maintenance.

Another tactic could be to try to delay things, if you think there's a chance she may 'come to her senses'. Not all would have such patience, of course.

Original poster
Lost3478 · 10/04/2018 22:37

Have put up with the situation for so long now, just want it all over to enable me to move on, I am all over the place and trying to hold down a full time job and all of this is really taking its toll...the quicker this is over the better...thank you to all of you for the support

OP posts:
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