Dating A Man Going Through a Divorce

[Dacquoise]

Hi Everyone,

Looking for thoughts and experiences of dating a man who is going through a divorce, at Nisi stage, but still living together in the family home.

I know the divorce is genuine and they have effectively been separated a year. There are no children involved.

He seems a lovely person and kinda perfect for me but I am wary of any unresolved emotions on his part and the fallout of divorce, particularly as they are locking horns about finances, hence him still living there.

As it happens I am going through round two of my divorce, a variation application so have my own stresses to deal with.

Anyone's experiences would be appreciated.

I have close friends going through this. This is what I see in their situation: he seems a lovely person to his new GF because he is making sure he doesn't make any of the mistakes he made in his marriage with STBXW. He is putting all his effort into being this perfect person for his new GF. (I'm thinking how much of a shock she'll get when she realises he's only human after all). His STBXW is gutted, absolutely distraught that he can seemingly put their marriage behind him so quickly and move on without a backwards glance. To me as an objective observer, it just seems too soon to commit to a new relationship. Their emotions are haywire and they each need to find themselves before they find anyone else.

Money has reared its head too, STBXW asking me if new GF was bankrolling his solicitor's fees as (as far as she was aware) he didn't have the money to be seeking legal advice about financial settlement. It's a minefield I find myself in as a mutual friend. It's not a place I would choose to place myself in.

Thank you for your insight. I am concerned about any unresolved emotions although they have effectively lived separate lives for over a year. It took me a long time to recover from my marriage but it was emotionally abusive as he was a passive aggressive.

I am aware of the best behaviour bit but I think we all do that in new relationships. It's trying to work out if there is any dysfunction involved.

I am taking it really slow, on high alert for red flags.

I think you're doing the best thing in the circumstances, by taking it really slow and being on high alert for red flags. In my friends' situation, STBXW offered to meet new GF to warn her of a few things! I can see her point, but people "just hear what they want to hear and disregard the rest" - was that a Paul Simon lyric? I don't think it would have changed new GF's opinion of him and STBXW would have come across as embittered and vindictive. Anyway, new GF declined her offer, saying it would be inappropriate. The man in the middle of it all was mightily relieved!

I would hit 'pause' until he has moved out of the marital home.

Of course he seems a lovely person - you are getting the brand new relationship version of him, when he's putting all the effort in.

Why did his marriage break up?

Similar to a couple I know. They both have their issues and both refusing to leave the family home. Bit different as they have adult children (although one adult child still at home).
Whilst I think you need to judge on a case by case basis I do think that at that point in the divorce (still living in the same house) that there must be plenty of emotions that are still being played by one another and that adding in new partners just makes things worse.
My advice would be to tread carefully.

Hi, thanks again for your comments.

I do think the best behaviour is something we all do in new relationships though, doesn't necessarily mean that they are a narcissistic nightmare unless that side comes out. Sometimes it can be the other person. Sometimes marriages just run out of steam because of both parties.

I am holding a lot back at the moment and will not be rushing to commit until I am absolutely sure. Fingers crossed he's a keeper!