I'll try not to waffle but my head is all over the place.
I have been with my partner for about 2.5 years, we have lived together for about 1.5 years. I have a son from a previous relationship who is 9.
Yesterday I came home from work and my downstairs neighbour poked her head out and asked if she could speak to me. She told me that after I left for work in the morning, there was a row between my partner and my son; son being difficult about getting up/ ready to go to childminder and partner could be heard shouting and swearing at him, to the extent my neighbour said that she considered calling me or the police. She said that this was the only time she had ever heard anything like this but that it sounded like my partner was losing his temper and although in the past I have felt she can be a a bit OTT, they are not interfering/ trouble making neighbours so I accept that whatever went on was serious enough that she felt the need to speak to me, even if it wasn't necessarily bad enough to involve the police.
I have told my partner that I think our relationship is now over, and that whilst I can tolerate the crap he throws at me, I wont tolerate it being directed at my child. I asked DS to relay what happened and he didn't really seem phased or upset, he just said that DP had shouted at him for not getting ready and had taken his xbox away. I asked how DS had felt at the time and he said that he just wanted his xbox back (didn't mention shouting, being scared/ upset etc). He is generally very open and would have told me if DP had made him cry or feel scared or whatever. He did confirm that DP "sweared about 3 times" which is far less than neighbour made it out to be, to be fair.
I love my DP, he can be a wonderful, kind, patient and fun person and is very honest and genuine and laid back. He has helped endlessly with DS in the time we have been together, shows an interest in his schooling etc. and in general is far more patient than I am in terms of making time to play games, take him out, have a laugh and a joke, generally I'm more of the "bad cop" parent although he can be a bit controlling and remove toys/ treats for minor things. I wouldn't say he is a father figure but certainly is actively involved.
I have noticed more in the past couple of months that they have not been getting on as well as they used to and have asked DP to be mindful that DS is a child and sometimes they play up and it doesnt matter what you threaten them with or bribe them with they still wont co-operate. We are currently starting diagnosis process for possible ADHD for DS so i know how frustrating it can be and that it is easier for me to tolerate because he is my son and I have been a parent since he was born.
I haven't given DP much of a chance to speak to me about it, I have had endless apologies, and promises that it will never happen again etc etc which I have ignored and I haven't given him much chance to explain things from his side, though before neighbour spoke to me he had mentioned that DS was "an absolute nightmare" getting ready that morning. I suppose I should at least hear him out but i need some headspace first. I have asked him to stay with his parents for the forseeable until I find a rental property to move into, I have also requested limited working hours so that I don't need to rely on him for DS.
Would this be a deal- breaker for you? I love my DP and up until recently he and DS generally got on well (any fall outs were more childish winding each other up like brothers than anything else). I was certainly never concerned at all.There are other things at play in our relationship but I was willing to work on that, this affects my son though and I feel like it's the last straw.