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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In shock

18 replies

Schnitzel · 10/04/2018 11:54

I am in a bit of shock. I was in my partner's bedroom after having slept there and he shouted up to me to bring him something from his room. Whilst looking for it I found a notebook. I opened it (yes…I know) and saw that he had written some really terrible things about me.

It wasn’t a letter to me exactly but it was written as if he was addressing me (IYSWIM). Among other awful things he wrote that he wasn't sure whether he fancied me and that I was one-dimensional. He said I had a shit job and a shit flat and why would he want that in his life bringing him down?

He has his problems. He has had two very traumatic events happen recently. I thought I had been a good support to him and we were seemingly getting on very well. I confessed immediately and told him that I had done a terrible thing and read his notebook and had seen what he wrote. He was very apologetic and said that he ‘wasn’t well’ mentally and had flipped last week and written it in a rant as a way of getting his 'anger' off his chest after I raised something that I didn’t feel very happy about (but thought that we had cleared up at the time). He said he did fancy me and that I had been amazing and had done nothing but help lift him up. He wants us to wipe the slate clean.

For info, we have only been together for 6 months and are mid-forties.

I need to run a mile don’t I?

OP posts:
fannycraddock72 · 10/04/2018 11:57

Run For the hills

fuzzywuzzy · 10/04/2018 11:57

I wouldn’t hang around. I’d feel like he’s only with me till someone better comes along.

And also I wouldn’t be able to get over something so horrible.

I get angry at DP but I’ve never felt any of those things your partner wrote about you in his notebook.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2018 11:59

I can only imagine it must have been extremely hurtful to read those things and can understand why you are in shock!

Did he apologise at all? If he just left it lying around, it doesn't sound as if he was trying to hide it.

Personally I'm not sure if I would be able to forget those words in a hurry. He sounds like he needs a lot of support, and it all sounds like a lot of work after only 6 months.

Is he getting help for his MH issues?

I'm trying to be balanced, as you've said he has suffered traumatic events. But to be honest, I think I would run a mile too.

LML83 · 10/04/2018 12:01

yes, leave him that is unbelievable! How can you believe a word he says. Flowers

Heartworries · 10/04/2018 12:03

I personally would have put the book infront of him. Opened it. Written 'the end' and walked out

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/04/2018 12:03

In that explanation of his feelings and how you affect them, did he acknowledge your feelings, did he apologise for his actions?

Personally I wouldn't care how honestly apologetic he was, I'd never be able to forget that he thinks that me and my life are beneath him!

Whether or not he has any MH issues you have the right to walk away and leave him to it. I would!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2018 12:03

Actually, I have re-read your post and the biggest red flag for me (apart from the awful words) are his 'anger' at your raising something you weren't happy about.

Definitely run.

NellMangel · 10/04/2018 12:04

Hmm. I sort of understand the cathartic process of writing down such things. It's good that he's apologised, a lot of people would get defensive about it.

Do the good things in the relationship outweigh the bad? Can you move on?

Aprilmightmemynewname · 10/04/2018 12:04

You are not his therapist so are free to ltb.
So do it.
Today.

Beaverhausen · 10/04/2018 12:06

Lace up those Nikes Schnitzel!

Schnitzel · 10/04/2018 12:45

Thank you for your comments.

He was very apologetic but Greenfingers is actually right in saying that it's a red flag in itself that he got so angry about me about bringing something up that had bothered me.

I think I know what I have to do. His words will always haunt me and I will never be sure whether he's lying or not. I'm worth more than this.

OP posts:
Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 10/04/2018 12:48

Dump him what a vile thing to do

Prisonhistory1 · 10/04/2018 12:51

Was this a test by him to you ? We all have things that happen in our life, what were the 2 things ? You have only been with him a short time, leave him to sort out his own issues. ..

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2018 12:52

I'm worth more than this

Damn straight! Good luck.

SusannahL · 10/04/2018 13:17

You have only been together for 6 months OP - he should still be besotted with you, not writing nasty comments like that.

Be thankful you have learned the truth now before your lives get more entwined.

Bananalanacake · 10/04/2018 13:22

It's much easier if you don't live together. Are you in Germany. I cook schnitzel Smile

Beaverhausen · 10/04/2018 13:25

Good luck.

Schnitzel · 10/04/2018 19:15

Greenfingers - He did have counselling after the most recent event but that was only for a few weeks and really, in my opinion, should have been for much longer (months, if not years). When I broached the idea about him resuming it he took umbrage, as he said that it suggested he wasn't coping (um...funny that!).

NellMangel - I have written a list of pros and cons this afternoon and the cons list is much longer/more impactful.

Prisonhistory1 - I won't say what the two things were as it could identify me, but safe to say both were significant/unusual events.

Bananalanacake - I'm not in Germany but do love Schnitzel!

Everyone - Your replies are really helping me to get some clarity on this situation. Thank you for replying.

I feel very despondent, as I he was the first person I had dated since my horrible long-term relationship ended a few years ago and we were (seemingly) getting along swimmingly. I don't think I can move past this though. I will speak to him in person, give him another chance to respond, then do what I have to do.

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