12 years of marriage, is this the end?

[WithTwoGiantBoys]

We've been together a long time, 18 years in all and married 12 years. We have two kids together, I went part time when I had DS1 and had to quit that job when ds2 started school as my employer wouldn't let me change hours to fit school hours better and I was starting to crack up a bit with the stress of trying to be everything to everyone. I started a small business and work for myself - it doesn't bring in huge amounts of money but it is something and it works around school.

Basically I realise that my husband doesn't value me at all. He regards me and the kids as freeloading parasites, wasting all his money. He doesn't like spending time with the kids and does what he can to avoid having to be with them at the weekends. He works hard to support the family, long hours, in a job he likes where he is successful and feels valued. He could drop his hours easily without it having too much of an impact on our finances but chooses not to. He seems to think my life is one long party so he won't agree to taking family holidays, he doesn't seem to think I deserve one. I am so hurt by this, it clearly demonstrates that although he can't bear spend time with the kids the fact that I therefore do all the family related stuff counts for nothing. He works hard in his job but even though he can't stand to do what I do, ferrying the kids to everything, refereeing the fights, doing all the cooking, know where and when everything is and what kit is needed and where it is and if it is clean etc etc etc is easy and therefore doesn't 'count'. My work is 3-4 hours a day roughly 4 days a week but sometimes more and mid December to early February I don't work much so this is when I tend to do house maintenance tasks and other necessary stuff that gets put off the rest of the year. I really feel I'm doing my bit! It makes me sad that at the sporty things at the weekends I'm often one of only a few mums, most kids are there with their dads. My boys ask to do things with him but he never has time for them.

He has always been a bit emotionally remote but now he never says anything positive about me. The number of times I've told him I'm upset about something and explain why, and he just watches me cry and doesn't say anything, or puts the tv on. I've had an awful time with my family lately and he has not given me any emotional support at all.

I would leave him but I'm really scared to. Scared of being even more lonely, scared of being destitute, scared of what it will do to my children. I don't know how to get back into more regular work, the high flying career I gave up has moved on, I won't get back into it. My work now wouldn't cover rent and bills for me and the kids long term once I'd spent my savings, so I feel trapped.

I can't remember if I love him.

That all sounds a bit shit to be honest, tricky situation. I am no expert at all and I have no experience with this but I think you need to work out whether or not you still love him and actually want to be with him at all. Above and beyond what he does or doesn't do for the kids...if you don't love him surely you shouldn't be together?? How do your dc feel about him? How old are they BTW?
Surely if you left him and divorced (unreasonable behaviour?) you'd be entitled for some financial support from him.
Do you joint own the house you live in? Rent?

Thanks for replying. We joint own the house, Dcs are 11 and 9. He is rubbish with the kids, has no patience and expects them to act like miniature adults when of course they can't - and he doesn't acknowledge when they do make the mature choices. He doesn't seem to like them, I'm not sure if they feel that though.

Just having read my op back, it sounds like I'm just worried about money, I'm not! I'm just feeling so hurt, so unvalued, and thinking about practicalities. Trying to see a future. I've never had much confidence, and now I have none. He is never going to change, so unless I can change so that this doesn't make me feel sad maybe this is the end.

Mutual respect is a big part of a relationship, or should be.
Do you love him?

Sorry OP but it does sound like the end. If he doesn't appreciate anything you do, want to spend time with you and has no time for the children it isn't worth staying with him. He thinks of you as an unpaid childminder/cook/cleaner. Have a real think about what you (and your dc's) get from this relationship emotionally, if the answer is very little or nothing then you need to make plans to leave and start a new life where you aren't being resented and treated with little or no respect.

With regard to finances you need to speak to a solicitor who specialises in matrimonial law. Try and take as much financial information with you as you can. How much he earns (including bonuses if any) how much you earn, what the mortgage is on your house, what your outgoings are ie all bills, phone contracts, loans, what pension he has etc etc. Hopefully he/she will be able to give you an idea how you would stand financially if you divorce and what you could expect in maintenance.

You may well feel much less lonely on your own than you do at the moment trapped in an unloving relationship with a distant and resentful man.

He doesn't seem to like them, I'm not sure if they feel that though

You can BET they feel that though.....

Kids are a lot more perceptive to subtle energies than we give them credit for. And yours are 9 & 11. On the cusp of puberty, teenage years and all that entails

he won't agree to taking family holidays, he doesn't seem to think I deserve one. I am so hurt by this

I'm not surprised you are hurt by that. But why are you putting your power into someone who doesn't seem to think you deserve a holiday?! You DO deserve one! And you can organise one with just you and your DC.

You have been so ground down by him you don't know which way is up. Baby steps then moving forward.

Time to take back your power, your future self and your DC will thank you for it.

It sounds like it's been over for a while tbh. Children pick up on atmosphere and your relationship. I don't think it's terrible for them but it may be better for all of you to be divorced, happy and content. Although it's hard at times and daunting at first, it will be worth it in the end. Plus you'll be able to find someone who values you. I think it's very rare for a longer term 'unhappy' relationship to improve, other than temporarily.

Any chance he would attend relationship counselling??

This is a very hard step to take, I know. It took me ages to take it after 27 years of marriage, but it's that first step that's so difficult. Once you've done it, everything else will be easier - honestly!

Before you do anything else, see a good solicitor; some will do an initial free first half-hour. You should be entitled to at least 50:50 of all assets, and as you are the main carer for the dc, you may be able to stay in the family home until the youngest is 18. Your dh will have to pay maintenance, and you may be entitled to some benefits.

You can do this!

Thanks for the support, I wonder if relationship counselling actual helps? Has anyone tried and found it successful? I don't really want a divorce but don't want to feel like this forever either.

You would be entitled to tax credits and maintenance if you split up. You deserve a lot more respect and happiness than this x

Honestly, I can't really imagine that relationship counselling would help with a man who doesn't think that you "deserve" a holiday.

Might be a good thing for you, though, to feel that you've tried everything that you can, and it may help you to move further along the path towards leaving, iyswim.