Am I horrible? Should I just take the pills and keep quiet?

[Goodenoughparent101]

DH and I have always battled over housework and the end conclusion seems to be that he has different standards to me (lower) and I can get resentful when I feel that I'm the only one who's constantly keeping in top of things.

I went on a mild anti depressant Setraline because my PMT was SO bad I was worried I'd lose my husband because of how angry I'd get every month for a week.

It was amazing feeling my care for the house work just vanish or if I did do some I had zero resentment towards my DH whatsoever this made me think that maybe I am suffering from OCD which the Sertraline is sometimes used for. I haven't had any arguments with him since being on them and I've just got on with life.

We have a 15mo who can be very clingy towards me and still breastfeeds through the night so I feel pretty stretched. Term time I teach part time too.

I realised that the sertraline was stopping me from being able to orgasm and cry and I hated feeling numb so I came off them.

Since coming off them I'm feeling more irritated by the inequalities around domestic chores again and had a go at him tonight about the fact that he has never folded our DDs clothes he just grabs a whole load all mixed together and shoves them I her drawer. He said he didn't know where any of it was supposed to go

I told him he was useless sometimes and now he's in a huff with me/not talking.

I feel like he doesn't want me to go and see friends, gobto the gym, gobto meditation classes, go to work.

I feel really hemmed in by him.

I need all of the above to feel whole and to have good mental health but he seems to begrudge any minute I spend away from the house.
I feel suffocated by our relationship and don't know whether to just go back on this pill and be all placid and agreeable again for the sake of a peaceful marriage?

You don't need medication. You need a supportive partner who actually knows how to care for you, your baby, the housework.

Do you feel controlled by your partner? Why don't you feel you can go out?

Medication not the answer, I don't think you'd have any of these issues if you were single

It's really not good that you are getting the feeling he doesn't like you spending any time away from the house. That's not normal. Normal is 'bye darling, have fun! Can't wait to hear about it when you're back!'

Re the pills, it's a tough one. I'm on an SSRI similar to yours and it also affects my arousal similarly. I've chosen to stay on them, despite the effect on my sex life, as the effect of my depression on my entire life is worse on balance than the side effects. Only you can weigh up whether you want to be on them or not, for your own mental health.

Have you been offered therapy on the NHS?

I'm going to the Drs this afternoon so I hope to ask for therapy there.
I like doing 4 things:
-see friends for cofffee/ scrabble
-go to gym
-go to meditation classes

• have time to listen to music alone

-ring family -get school work done I need these things for my mental health but my DH says that every time he sees me running away from our daughter he feels like it's really horrible.

I'm feeling sonsuffocated.

Your H is controlling you and controlling behaviour like he shows you is abuse. His not talking to you now is a further example of his emotional abuse towards you. I would agree here that medication is not the answer either; getting you and your child away from him is. He has all the power and control here in this relationship and is using both against you to full effect.

Womens Aid are worth contacting and they can and will help you here on 0808 2000 247. The GP may be able to assist but waiting lists for counselling can be very long.

You have every right to go out to the gym and have some time to yourself; you are certainly not running away from your DD by doing that. Your DD cannot and must not grow up thinking that this is normal behaviour from a man because it is not. This man wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. I reckon too that he can and does go out as and when he pleases; its not about his child at all. He does what he wants because he is a selfish individual who targeted you to abuse. Such men do not change, all you can do is put a plan in place to leave him.

Seriously, being with young kids is hard.
When our kids got to school age DH and I would try alternating weeks in school hols where possible. I would no sooner get my hand on the front door than he would be out - down to coffee shop just reading phone/tablet there, over to a friend etc. If I was with the kids all day I would try and organise a cuppa with someone or dinner out a few times that week. All totally normal.

Perhaps consider getting rid of the husband rather than drug yourself up to spend a life with no feelings with him.

my DH says that every time he sees me running away from our daughter he feels like it's really horrible.

This is either horribly manipulative or emotionally unintelligent. Everyone is a better parent when they get a break.

That said, there may be some middle ground. I certainly never folded baby clothes, so I can well imagine that you might have to let go of certain things being the "right" way to do things. But meditation etc would help you with that, provided you get the chance to do it.

Hold up WHAT?
I can't believe some of the comments I'm reading. Leaving your husband because he doesn't know where your daughters clothes go is very dramatic if you ask me like you said you might have OCD I think calling him useless is a horrible thing to say to some one I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn't like it and everyone on here would be telling you to leave him also.
As for going out to the gym and meditation and coffee with friends of course you should be able to do all of those things I'm curious does he go out with friends? Does he want to? Does he work? And have you ever not gone out because of how he feels because if regardless of how he feels you've gone anyway then I hardly think he's controlling just objecting how often are you going out?

Maybe because you have so little control over your life you are trying to control household chores.

What is behind your H's view on childcare?

Is this what it’s come to? Having to dry ourselves so we don’t see the domestic inequalities anymore?!

Why don’t you tell your husband what he needs to do to make the marriage work and to be a good father instead of taking shit from him on why you’re not a good mother? Running away from your daughter indeed! Everyone needs a break. And it sounds like he gets plenty.

@SM1992
That's the thing, I'm not going out at all. The list is my prevantative mental health problem list.
I think I might be a little bit OCD because the setraline left me really relaxed about the housework so I'm happy to own/take responsibility for/ try not to act on that. But he could at least put her clothes in the drawer in a way that's easy for us to get to the things we need quickly.
I just feel really like a caged bird like he expects me to be the main caregiver of our daughter. He never takes her out, he always just seems to be waiting for me to come back and puts the TV on.
I take her out on the weekends to do nice activities.
He has a 10 year old and he loves the idea of attachment parenting which is all very well if you're the dad and you can pick and choose the intensity, for me I have our daughter attached to me at least 20 hours a day with a bit of freedom to cook tea or go food shopping (if I'm lucky)

I've decided this week I'm just going to go out without talking to him about it I'm just going to go.

If we split up I'd have time to get my head back together whilst she was with him.

He really struggles to see things from my point of view.

On the car journey to his mums (5 hours away) I was really hot as was our DD in the back of the car and she was crying. I opened the back windows because he refused to turn the radiator off and he leaned in to the back of the car whilst driving all over the motorway and wind my window back up again.
Why he couldn't have asked me to close it I have no idea
I feel like I'm beginning to despise him.

This isn't the first time you've posted about him, have you got any friends IRL with similar aged children you can get a reality check (assuming they've met him???)
He sounds like a superior twat who uses his "attachment parenting" as a stick to beat you with and make you feel inferior. This is not attachment parenting, where you would be in partnership to raise your child, thisbeing a total dick. I would question what the benefit of this would be on your daughter who will begin to tune in on this passive aggressive, controlling atmosphere.

He shows you zero respect. I was going to say label the drawers so he knows where to put the clothes and then he has got no excuse. Create a timetable of events with LO and put down who is doing what so he gets a turn at taking her to the park, pool, soft play and can see you're doing your bit too. (FFS!) That way you both get time out.

Probably time to stop the breast feeding because you've had a really good run with it. At least that way you can have your body back, which might help with your emotional health. Do you tnink your babe really still needs it? Many mums have stopped by now and put kids to sleep for the night in their own cot by now.

Then i read about the window. Fucker. I would have lent across and open the one on the other side which he would not have been able to reach, or more sensibly explained there and then that he had crossed a line and we would discuss it later. I would have told him if he showed me such contempt and our baby such disregard ever again, he would need to leave and pursue the attachment parenting thing with his 10 yo full time. I would'nt argue about it or shout, but i'd be very fucking clear.

Oh and i would have to use the running away from our baby line back at him when he is a twat ie ' it devastates me when i see you won't turn the heat off even tho our baby is crying her eyes out because she is so hot'

He sounds really really awful.
But then I could not be arsed folding baby clothes.
Is there a middle ground? Where you pick your battles and draw lines in the sand about important things like you having a social life while forgetting about shit like whether babygros are crumpled or not?

You are basically using antidepressants to get over the depression your H is causing you. It’s not normal and I would put money on you feeling the ‘depression’ lift if he disappeared from your life. HE is your depression. Sorry OP but he is not a good husband, you deserve more support than this. It isn’t pills you need, it’s to get rid of him.

Just out of curiosity, have you recently changed contraception?
Reason I ask it that I had the worst PMT (Got seriously angry and confrontational) whilst on the implant. I've never been like that before or after but the implant screwed up my MH massively.
Not saying it'd defiantly the source but could be a path to look down.

He sounds absolutely awful, if not abusive; you need to get him gone OP, not drug yourself up to accept his shit, he seems to think it's only your job to run a house and take care of his child, what a loser he sounds, I think your mental health would improve dramatically once you got away from your kidnapper cos that's what he sounds like.

He sounds awful. Go out , and say to him ‘a little bit of me dies inside when I see you use the tv to parent’ ‘I feel awful that you hate parenting so much you can’t waut to hand her back after only an hour’ etc etc. You are being controlled and unless that changes it’s not a relationship to be in.