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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So confused about relationship

29 replies

lilacgreyskies · 10/04/2018 00:14

I'm struggling with my relationship with my husband. I don't want to leave him. I can't afford to and anyway I don't want shared custody of out young children.

He puts me down a lot. He will laugh at me, tell me I am stupid or believe anything or tell me I can have an opinion 'but it's wronf' - he will actually say 'You are entitled to your wrong opinion.' Hmm

He complains about housework. We have two young children and I work full time but he still expects me to do everything. I do stand up to him but I hate the fact he sees the house as my job.

He is so pushy about sex, to the point where I dread going upstairs. Speaking frankly here I have had my hands pinned down when I'm saying no, no. I know how wrong this is but I don't think he does. I have screamed before because its hurting. If I get drunk he sees it as a free for all.

He hates me having friends or a life. When I was on maternity leave he wouldn't let me have access to my phone for a bit as he said I kept going on it and not talking to him. I got it back eventually but that's not the point.

Other times he can be really lovely. I know how bad all this is but I can't leave so any advice would be great.

OP posts:
pog100 · 10/04/2018 00:22

I'm sorry but he is really extremely abusive to you and there is only one solution which is to leave, or him to leave. He is unable to change his character and it's awful. Makes me feel horrible just reading it, God knows how it is in practice.
I'm sorry it isn't what you want to hear but you need to marshall real life support and separate as soon as possible.

Original poster
lilacgreyskies · 10/04/2018 00:41

It really isn't that easy pog Sad although of course I know what you're saying.

OP posts:
theeyeofthestormchaser · 10/04/2018 00:44

He’s a controlling rapist.

What would you say to a friend in the same situation? Or your dd?

Apart from that, he’s lazy, entitled, nasty and puts you down. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Op - you can do a lot better,

Iflyaway · 10/04/2018 00:51

Your OP is chilling.....

I hope you can find the strength to leave him. You will!

Posting here is the first step.

SevenStones · 10/04/2018 00:55

Your options are leaving or putting up with abuse. He isn't going to change.

bastardkitty · 10/04/2018 00:56

OP that is horrendous. Awful to think of you living like this. Since he is raping you, reporting that to the police would be an excellent way to put a stop to all of his abuse and get the appropriate order to keep him away from you. Please access specialist support from your local DV or sexual abuse organisation and if you are able to, talk to a solicitor. No one should treat you like this.

Jon66 · 10/04/2018 01:13

He has raped you. Please take advice. Your children will grow up thinking this is normal and the chances are your children will not respect women either because they learn by example. Please save the next generation as well as yourself.

Shoxfordian · 10/04/2018 06:24

He's a rapist. Please call Women's Aid for support; and any real life support you can find to help you leave him.

PrettyLittIeThing · 10/04/2018 06:35

Your not going to get any other advice on here but to leave which you said you don't want to do.

Original poster
lilacgreyskies · 10/04/2018 08:40

I was worried about that Sad

There are good things too but I imagine you will say they don't matter. Kids know absolutely nothing by the way.

OP posts:
FunnyThat · 10/04/2018 08:45

You know what the right thing to do is. You just need to find the courage

Original poster
lilacgreyskies · 10/04/2018 08:50

It isn't just courage. I do not want to share custody of the children with him, so I'll have to stay.

OP posts:
Snowdrop567 · 10/04/2018 08:52

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but your children will know a lot more than you realise.....
Seriously, do what you need to do to get yourself and your children out of this environment. I was you once and I thought I couldn't do it.....but I did. I'm soo glad I did and I wish I had done it sooner.
My kids are now adults and they totally understand why I ended the marriage. I've never even had to explain it......they knew a lot more than I realised at the time.

silvernutgoldenpear · 10/04/2018 08:54

lilacgreyskies you don't have to leave now if you're not ready, and I understand that it feels impossible right now.

But can you see will need to leave this man at some point? It's not going to get better. Staying with him is damaging you. Also as the kids get older they will notice how he treats you and it will affect their relationships.

Women's Aid or Rape Crisis won't force you to leave him but they will give you help and support and let you know where you stand with practical things like housing and the DC.

Even if you're not ready to leave now, please get some support and slowly getting your ducks in a row.

ShatnersWig · 10/04/2018 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SparklyMagpie · 10/04/2018 09:06

Sorry but I agree

Nobody on this thread will give you advice to stay in this relationship with this controlling rapist and tell you how to put up with it, noone!

Apart from the odd poster who pops up on threads like this telling you to "talk with him" or " tell him you don't like it"

TheKnackeredChef · 10/04/2018 09:35

OP, you must be feeling wretched. Well done for posting here - it takes a lot of courage to admit to yourself, let alone others, that something is this horribly wrong. Please keep posting and harness that strength you've found.

There's loads of help and support out there which you can access when you feel up to it. In the mean time, please ignore the unhelpful posts from people who are (understandably) angry on your behalf.

ShatnersWig · 10/04/2018 09:43

Knackered I'm not sure what's unhelpful about telling someone who is being raped and abused by their partner that they need to leave for the sake of their children let alone themselves. And sometimes hearing some people being very blunt actually brings people to the realisation they have to act. But you can't expect to come on a site like this, tell people you are being raped and abused, that your children are in this situation, and repeatedly say "I can't leave" but ask for "advice". That's basically asking people to tell her what she should do to make living like that more bearable and that's not going to happen.

Original poster
lilacgreyskies · 10/04/2018 09:48

I cannot afford to live. Even if we split everything we would both be without basic things.

I have no support. He has a big and influential family.

You're right I shouldn't have posted but in the middle of the night you can feel very alone.

OP posts:
Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 10/04/2018 09:56

You could ring rape phonelines or the samaritans but please do contact womens aid you need to get away from this bully , next time he abuses you call the police , womens aid will help you find somewhere to go and will also help with the financial side of things , they will help you with arranging contact , it would have to be supervised because he is an abusive rapist

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2018 09:58

Lilac

Your comment re shared custody seems to also stem from your own ignorance as well as real fear of him. What has he threatened you with in relation to them?. What about that is stopping you from leaving your H?.

Do you seriously think that your H has any real interest in seeing his children after separation?. No, such men only and ever think of their own selves. He would likely be crap at maintaining such an arrangement as well, continue to remain obstructive towards you and otherwise dump them on his mother or someone else. I think that these children are far better off not seeing their dad at all in the long run due to his abuse of you and in turn them. Men like your H only and ever think of their own self interest.

Your children may not directly know what is happening within their household between their mum and dad but they certainly know something is wrong here. They are certainly picking up on your overall unhappiness even though you try and hide it (not always successfully, you cannot fully protect them from their dad's abuses of you) and their dad's antipathy and contempt towards you. Their house is certainly not their sanctuary and nor is it yours.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.
This is not the legacy you want to be leaving them Lilac, it truly is not. This man could end up putting you in hospital or even worse the morgue. It is not beyond the realms of possibility. You will certainly continue to be harmed by your H both emotionally and physically and your children will become more aware of your abusive marriage as they age. You would not want this sort of marriage for them and its not acceptable to you either.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

Original poster
lilacgreyskies · 10/04/2018 10:00

He would Attila and his family certainly would.

Sorry: I know him, you don't. No way would he cause a fuss for a month then forget. He'd make my life hell.

OP posts:
Snowdrop567 · 10/04/2018 10:02

Exactly what AttilaTheMeerkat just said!

sabinaapplecross · 10/04/2018 10:03

He is incredibly abusive ....... physically, emotionally, and even though you don't mention it probably financially too. He is isolating form friends and you own family by not allowing you you phone, mentally torturing you and your self esteem and self confidence is being eroded away if it's not already gone.

If your not going to leave what kind of advise are you looking for? because there is no advice on how to tolerate this situation, and he is not going to change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2018 10:06

Lilac

Re your comments:-

"I cannot afford to live. Even if we split everything we would both be without basic things".

How do you know, this may be based on your own mere supposition and you could be wrong. You are not as powerless either as you think you are. You cannot afford to stay and continue to be raped; he should be in prison for what he is doing to you. You need peace and a quiet house; with him you get neither. Children would much rather have a happier parent and be with fewer material possessions rather than be in a household where their dad is abusing their mother and using sex to control her too. Material things count for nothing in such circumstances.

"I have no support. He has a big and influential family".

You posted here because deep down you know his treatment of you and in turn your children here is wrong. You have MN for a start and his big, influential family count for nothing. No man is above the law here; not they and not him either. There is help and support out there for you, you have to be brave and take that first, often the most hardest of steps yourself to access it. By posting here albeit in the middle of the night initially you have taken that first baby step. His abuse of you is no longer secret and abuse thrives on secrecy.

"You're right I shouldn't have posted but in the middle of the night you can feel very alone".

You're alone during the day too; this will not go away and nothing will change in your house unless you yourself take steps to get away from him. You're alone now in your marriage and that also can and does feel like the worse thing in the world.

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