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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just when I thought I couldn't be anymore suprised by his crapness

40 replies

feedyourhead · 09/04/2018 23:36

We are separating thanks to a multitude of issues over the years that have left our marriage dead in the water. Fault on both sides, but only one side can admit that they aren't perfect and have contributed to the breakdown.

One of the (many) reasons we are getting divorced is that he believes himself to be too superior to have to think about family stuff, or carry any of it out. He has been detached from pretty much anything family related, does nothing, with the children etc etc. The way he sees it, his job is to bring in money/do DIY, mine is (literally) everything else. This wasn't a mutually agreed way of life, it has crept up and smothered me unannounced. I used to be independent and professional, and made more than him when we met. So literally, everything left to me. If he has to make a call to the bank, I have to get out the papers from the file and lay them in front of him so all he has to do is dial the number and speak. He's that bad! But doesn't see it at all. Thinks this is normal adult male stuff.

Today was the pinnacle of shitness, but the circumstances made me laugh and I wanted to share it. We are unfortunately stuck living in the same house until he gets somewhere else, and we were discussing/arguing about whether to go for two years separation or unreasonable behaviour for divorce. He first told me I needed to research it all and bring him the pros and cons so he can make a decision. I explained the key issues (no legally binding financial agreement if he wins the lottery etc) and he decided that maybe unreasonable behaviour was the way to go, but that he wouldn't have anything bad said about himself. I said I was okay with being the unreasonable one so he could divorce me. He told me to get the paperwork filled out for him and he'd sign it.
WTF? He wants me to divorce myself on his behalf, because he is too important and lazy to look into it or fill out the forms. He has the most lacking sense of self-awareness of any human I have ever met.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 10/04/2018 15:44

Name him as the unreasonable party & get him to sign it - The Pompous TWAT

StormcloakNord · 10/04/2018 15:48

The only thing I have to say about this is, and I will never get to see it happen, I am excited about what a smack in the face he's about to get from Karma.

He's gotten used to you being his lackey for so long when you finally ditch him he'll be fucking hopeless at general life Grin

goldiehawn1 · 10/04/2018 15:53

Oh goodness OP

I had one just like yours too and I've given the whole thing a miss now. Haven't looked back infact Smile.

I hate to have to even admit it but I didn't even cry when he left, the feeling of relief was SO great!

I don't know what it is with these seemingly entitled husbands but I have to admit to not standing up to it earlier, although like you, it sort of crept up in me year by year.

Congrats to you for taking back control. 🎉💯🥂👍

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2018 15:55

He wants me to divorce myself on his behalf

OMG that made me laugh. Sorry, that must be such a frustrating situation to be in. Next time ask him if he wants you to wipe his arse as well. No, actually, DON'T! He might take you up on it. Grin

Good luck getting rid of this prize pillock!

WoodenCat · 10/04/2018 15:58

Your H is an idiot. However I think that if you are the petitioner then you get more say in pushing the divorce along. So it might be in your interests to file for divorce citing his unreasonable behaviour otherwise you’ll be waiting on him doing the admin, which he clearly won’t.

OhCalamity · 10/04/2018 16:02

"she wouldn't divorce herself on my behalf"
"she would't wipe my arse for me"
"she refused to pander to my every whim"

You could have some fun coming up with your unreasonable behaviour!

Beaverhausen · 10/04/2018 16:04

Yep name him as the unreasonable party, he probably won't even notice.

MargoLovebutter · 10/04/2018 16:07

Lol, sounds like my ex-H. He still thought I'd fill out his tax return after we got divorced and he was living with his affair partner!!!!! He was genuinely shocked when I told him exactly what he could do with it!

HonkyWonkWoman · 10/04/2018 16:09

Burst out laughing at this OP!
He actually is so lazy, he wants you to divorce yourself!!!!!!
Well, I've bloody heard it all now!
Good riddance to him!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 10/04/2018 16:11

Wow!! He is absolutely fantastic. Does he give seminars on how to have someone else wipe your arse for you? Could you set that up for him? Grin

But seriously, how does he not see it? Or does he see it and has no shame? Does he have a secretary at work who does everything for him? Where does this come from?

Lunde · 10/04/2018 17:15

Just repeat "I am not your staff" and stop babying him. He is a twat so why are you enabling him? You are getting divorced so he needs the practice!

Then you fill out the paperwork and divorce him for unreasonable behaviour without even telling him.

feedyourhead · 10/04/2018 20:16

There are a few gems from over the years, especially recent years where things like this have become quite common - and he's incredulous when I pull him up on it and stroppy if I say no.

To the poster who rightly said I should tell him where to go, I am. But in this kind of relationship it creeps up on you and this type of man (his dad is the same) like to engineer the relationship over the years so you feel obligated and dependent. He does a LOT of DIY, will not fork out for any kind of professional in the house, and will not purchase a house that doesn't need tons of work, so he's spent the best part of ten years badly renovating our home(s) while everything else is my job. But I've always felt bad and ungrateful complaining and saying no, even though I neither asked him to do these things nor agreed to take on the entire burden of everything else, including childcare and all of the extra work involved with a disabled child.

In addition he has sabotaged my business by refusing to provide or pay for childcare, guilt tripped me when I've tried to find evening work so I can retain my independence and contribute financially, refused to let me go anywhere on my own, refused to take the children out (ever, in six years, because he 'can't cope with them'), has never been involved in anything at all to do with the children, including a SEN tribunal (all me again).

Believe me when I say I was independent and wouldn't take any crap at all when we met. I don't even know how it all happened. He was so nice, so equal, so respectful and self-sufficient when we met and married. He's totally different now, but thinks he's lovely, kind, generous, a man working hard for his family. But only he has a life, freedom and choice. Well, for the next month or so. I'm not putting up with it anymore, and he really doesn't get why.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 10/04/2018 20:38

Lols. I'm wondering if you married my exH! Just send in the papers, on grounds of unreasonable behaviour and don't tell him. He doesn't have to agree or sign it. It will still go ahead and you'll have the satisfaction of telling him where to f himself . Start as you mean to go on.

lifebegins50 · 10/04/2018 22:50

If he petitions you them he has to apply for the absolute and it may never happen if left to him.

I would be cautious about letting him petition as I did (on my solicitors advice) as we thought it would lower his hostility.

It didn't and he controlled the timeline.I regret the decision.

balsamicbarbara · 10/04/2018 22:56

Hmm look up the signs for Asperger's Syndrome, he sounds like he might fall into that with such fixed methodical behaviour in emotional situations. Not that it makes it any better.

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