How to handle being NC with my mother and issues around birthdays

[HopelesslyHopeful87]

I have been NC with my toxic mother for over a year now. Well, I say NC but it has been on and off due to her attempting to contact me through other methods and other people and causing lots of upset and arguments. I won't go into details or this post will be an essay.

Anyway it has been made clear to her from me that I wish to have nothing more to do with her. Our relationship has broken down irretrievably and I don't believe it can ever even be amicable let alone friendly. I have blocked as many channels of contact as I possibly can.

However, it is my DD 10th birthday tomorrow. She has not seen my mother for probably two years. My brother told me today that my mother has given him a card to pass on for my DD. How do I handle this? Do I keep it and give it to her in the future so I'm not seen to be the bad guy here? Do I just give it to her and see what happens and what questions she may ask? She knows that my mum and I are not friends and that we don't speak but she was 7 or 8 when this andll reached its peak and I didn't go into too much detail because she's too young to understand the ins and outs.

So, how do you handle situations like this going forward when you are NC with someone and kids are involved?

If your mother wanted to make sure you got the card she'd have posted it.

She's given it to your brother to drag him into her drama, and to make things more difficult for you.

I've given my children the cards my parents send them (I'm NC), as they arrive in the post and don't involve any talking or interaction with my parents. But feel free to do what you think best.

It depends a bot on what you told the DC about why the do not see her any more,
I chatted to the DC about it and we decide together what we would do and put the cards from my NC dad in the bin. If there was a cheque, I didn't cash it, but gave the DC the same amount from family money so they did not lose out.
No right or wrong here - it's whatever is best for you and your family.

Personally I wouldn’t let your dd know about it. It allows your mum a way in. Your dd will have had years of ‘loving cards’ while you won’t allow visits. She will have a relationship with an ‘idea’ of a loving and caring grandmother which Could become messy when she is older and you can no longer control the amount of contact she has. With zero contact, she will have a less emotional pull if/when your mum decides to contact her.

If you bro understands your position, tell him to put it in the bin. And explain he shouldn’t be the go between and she shouldn’t have done that to him.

If he doesn’t. Tell him the same, but take it and put it in the bin.

Your brother here is being used by his mother as a flying monkey to do her bidding; he needs to be ignored roundly by you as well. Your mother is doing the usual types of behaviour such disordered of thinking people do when no contact is instigated to drag that person (in this case you) back into their world of dysfunction. Read up also on flying monkeys.

No contact is precisely that; radio silence from you needs to be maintained. Do not hand over any card from your mother to your child; she does not need to be also subjected to her grandmother's emotional manipulations. She already knows that you and her grandmother are not friends, there is no good reason at all for her to be given any card.

Nothing to suggest, OP but I'm NC with my Dad and so am worried about this too as my baby (first born) is due next week and as far as I'm aware, he dosn't know in even pregnant.

However, He sent a Xmas card this year addressed only to me (for the first time in years) and it really threw me.

I'd like to hang around and see what others advice to the OP will be.

sirlee

Such behaviour is indeed designed to throw people. He was not a good parent to you when growing up and he has not fundamentally altered since then.

I hope you shredded or otherwise threw that card in the bin without any acknowledgement. A response from you is what such people want, they know they have you then. Do not fall for such attempts.

Thanks for the responses.

This might be a drip feed but I didn't want the OP to be sooo long but part of the huge problem with my mother is her refusal to accept two of my kids. I have four and she only wants to hear about two of them (DD10 and DS6). In the time I have been NC with her I have had a baby and she didn't even know I was pregnant until she was born and a mutual friend told her (the friend didn't know we were NC)

I absolutely will not bombard the kids with details about her terrible parenting when I was growing up and the reasons that ultimately led me to go NC as they need to be a lot older to understand it.

She has been asked not to send cards or gifts after last Xmas when she wanted to send gifts for two of the kids and not the other two. I said it is unfair and I'd rather she didn't.

My brother is younger than me and is aware of the no contact but he had a different upbringing to me due to circumstances and I try to keep him out of things so he isn't piggy in the middle. I want to maintain a relationship with my siblings but one of them still lives with my mum so it is difficult as he has been poisoned against me by her.

She has removed me from her will (which I'm not bothered about) and she has said that she has written letters to two of my children to be given to them upon her death held by her solicitor to explain why she is not allowed to see them and that I'm the bad guy etc not her. She really is a poisonous woman and I just don't know how I can fully get her out of my life.

She has been asked not to send cards or gifts after last Xmas when she wanted to send gifts for two of the kids and not the other two. I said it is unfair and I'd rather she didn't.

In that case, I'd refuse to accept them from your brother. Tell him you're not going to accept these or any other cards, and you won't even discuss your mother with him.

It's disgraceful that she only wants to acknowledge two of your four children.

If she really has written those letters they're going to be really bizarre. If your children do get to see them (and I'm not sure they exist) then I doubt she'll come across well in them. It's just further proof of her abuse.

I'm careful not to discuss her with him. He doesn't want to get involved in the argument and I respect that. He still sees my kids and to me he is completely separate to the issue.

I think I'll intercept the card and keep it somewhere in case questions are asked ten years down the line or something.

It might be an idea to keep them. In the future you can show all four of your children how she operates.

But I wouldn’t tell your brother that. Be careful that he will be reporting stuff back. Just tel him that she was wrong to put you in that position and you will be throwing them out.

My brothers and I have differing leaves of contact. NC to occasional contact. But the agreement is we don’t discuss each other with her and we don’t pass on any of her toxicity.

Talking from experience with DPs NC mother.
Take it off your brother, the reason I say this is because it puts your brother in a position - does he discard of it himself or hive it back to your mum? Its not fair on him.
Then return all cards or presents to her.
He sent a text saying they will be left outside house at this time on this day.
I took them as he can't physically make himself go due to how she makes him feel.

Since then we have had no presents or cards sent for DC.

Totally agree. Your mother cannot expect to have a relationship with your DD if she doesn't have one with you.

I've been NC for 8 years with mine and suddenly she tried to be in contact, now I have a DD. Not. A. Chance.in.hell.

I got the card. I opened it to see what was inside. Standard birthday card message. I put it in the bin. Got it back out. Put it back and got it back out haha I'll keep them in a box in case anyone asks questions.

Feel like I'm going to end up on JK at this rate!

She is a horrid person and I can't believe I'm related to someone like her. I hope to Christ my kids and I have a better relationship than I have with her.

I would still shred the card, do not give this any more power. Do not respond to the card in any way, a response from you is what such disordered of thinking people want. That to them is the reward.

Your children and you will in all likelihood have a better relationship as adults because you have two qualities your mother lacks entirely; empathy and insight.

Your mother cannot expect to have a relationship with your child if she does not have one with you. Its not about the card though, this is an attempt to pull your family back into her dysfunctional world. They do not let go of their victims at all easily. Also toxic parents like your mother more often than not turn out to be toxic as grandparent figures too.

Thanks atilla you are right. This is very obvious that it's more than just a card. She twists everything. It was my decision to go NC and I made it clear that our relationship had ended and not to contact me further. I blocked her as much as I could and even before I'd got round to telling my DP about it she started texting and calling him at work having a go and then ended saying she wants nothing more to do with me.

She has to have the last word and has to look like the one that's been affected the most. It had to have been her decision not mine because she needs the control.

My dd knows nothing about the card and the kids never ask after her so I know they are better off without her in their lives. It was always such an effort for her to want to see them anyway so I have no doubts I've made the right decision.

I just feel like I'll never be free of the snare around my ankle. It's always there. I'm always waiting for her to find a way to contact me or someone I know in order to to gain info about me or the kids. I just wish I could delete her from my life completely. This week she has created a whole new Facebook account which I've had to block. That's three she's had now. [Anger]