Husbands behaviour

[private2018]

Hi all

Here looking for advice on my husband, mainly his behaviour and whether I'm being over the top...or have a rational concern.

Haven't been married long, been together just 4 years. Have a son together and 4 other children between us.

He is successful, he's in a position of power at work and the money reflects this. His job is paramount to most things going on in our life and often takes priority over other problems and ultimately 'his jobs pays for our lifestyle' so we should all be grateful. I'm on maternity leave and will be going back part time.

The biggest problem I have at the moment is my husbands anger and the fact he always has to be right, everything is always other peoples fault mainly mine, including trivial stuff like squashed bread, leaky showers, him scratching his car, kids behaviour etc.

When something goes wrong (like not being able to find a shirt) he swears and goes off like a bottle of pop at me, states he doesn't need the stress and he shouldn't be in this position when he's going on a trip to provide for us. He swears in front of the kids which I also hate. I also worry greatly about the relationship he has with my children, one has special needs and he is very harsh on him, stating he is trying to teach him life lessons and being cruel to be kind. It hurts my heart at times though.

When things are good they are great, we have a loving relationship, he is faithful and cares for me. We argue perhaps once a week? Is that a lot? I just feel like I'm treading on eggshells all the time and can't relax.

But maybe I should be more understanding, I guess I'm a strong character too so maybe I provoke things? I'm so confused at the minute.

Thank you in advance xx

I think arguing once a week is a lot.

What was he like with your kids before you married/lived together? Does he treat his own DCs the same?

I guess I'm a strong character too so maybe I provoke things?

No I don't think so. Nothing about your post indicates that this is anything other than your husband being a stroppy twat and being horrible to your children

How much does he earn? I think this is relevant here

He was better with them before we lived together. No I think he treats them a lot better, he denies this, and says because they are much younger than mine they shouldn't be told off for the same things - which I agree. X

He’s teaching your SN kid? Wow so there’s a way to teach out SN kids that we all didn’t know about. By being harsh on them!

Can I ask why you think how much he earns is relevant? Xx

Hi,

Have a look at Biderman’s chart of coercion and see if you recognise any of the behaviours.

www.cheshirewithoutabuse.org.uk/biderman-chart-of-coercion

From what you say, I would suggest you have

Demonstrating omnipotence (using male privilege) - everything depends on him, therefore he should be in control (in his mind)

Enforcing trivial demands (and punishing if they are not met) - see squashed bread etc

Related to your DC, you have degradation - verbal abuse and being harsh, not accepting or respecting your DC as a person or responding appropriately to his needs

You may tick more boxes, I don’t know, but walking on eggshells suggests he is also monopolising your perception. You certainly seem to be blaming yourself, whereas in reality, good relationships are built on mutual respect and you should not be ticking any of the boxes.

You say you are going back to work part-time. Presumably you were able to look after yourself and your DC before you met him. Would you still be able to?

I think you are confused because you don’t think these behaviours tie with ‘a loving relationship’. What you have described is not a loving relationship, it is a controlling and unpleasant one. This man is bullying your DC and you describe yourself as heart broken about this. You maybe strong, but this will erode you. Please think seriously about your options. You and your DC are worth more than this.

Have you ever considered that your husband might be an overt narcissist with some pent up anger and passive aggressive issues ?

How are his earnings relevant to how your being verbally and emotionally abused every week ?

He needs counselling ... this one screams he has unresolved childhood issues to me.

Thank you all for your replies - greatly appreciated.

Katara thank you- yes I had a very good job before meeting him, and I've been keen to 'keep my foot in the door' by going back, although we don't need the money. Something is telling me, I need my own income if needed. I'm so confused as I'm doubting everything, his behaviour, my reactions...but ultimately I know I shouldn't feel so on edge all the time. I am scared of his reactions to things, not because I think he'll be physical but because I end up feeling shit about myself xxx

Why are you still with a man who has been harsh for 4 years, to your child with special needs?

You sounds so ground down by his bullying, abusive treatment of you and your children. That's why you're constantly on edge and confused. Which is how he wants you to be, it makes you easier to control and keen to please him.

I suggest you educate yourself about abuse. Start by reading "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. There's a sticky post at the top of Relationships with a long extract from that book.

Why not read that now - or as soon as you can? I actually think you should leave asap, for the sake of your children, but I also think you are only just beginning to realise you're in an abusive relationship.

(Also, what your husband earns is totally irrelevant. I think that poster was just being a goady fucker. Ignore the sad little twat.)

Please, please read this

That's the one Mythologies.

Please do read it OP. When I read it, it was a real eye opener. I couldn't think straight either, I'd lived in fear for so long.

MN gave me loads of support and helped me find my way out.

You are perfecty capable of living without him.

In fact, if you asked your disabled child how he would feel if your husband went to work one day and didn't come back, how would your child react?

No amount of money would persuade me to stay with a bully. This will damage your children's confidence and grind you down. Cruel to be kind to a child with SEN is awful.

He's abusive and unkind to you
Please call Women's Aid for advice but you shld seriously think about ending it

we have a loving relationship - no you don't. Sorry but read back what you wrote. He treats you appallingly. Definitely read the types of abuser mentioned in the book linked above. This is not a nice person.

He doesn't sound good and you shouldn't be on eggshells like this. Try and let him know how you feel and be quite clear that if he treated your kids this way before you married...You wouldn't have... and if he doesn't modify his behaviour...you'll have to seriously consider whether you'll be able to continue in the marriage.

I'm sure he won't want to be having visitation with yet another child...as well as paying child support. So he needs to stop being quick to anger.

He's cruel to your child?

I'm very sorry but you need to get yourself into reality and remove your innocent child from this situation. This is an emergency. Leave him.