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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Curve ball from my XH hit me for six tonight

14 replies

Bouledeneige · 09/04/2018 20:42

Looking for a hand hold tonight - it might be quite hard to understand why this has hurt me...

Background: split up with XH 10 years ago after his infidelity - I found out that he was starting on his second affair when I kicked him out.... Maintained good relations since then for the sake of our now teen DC but I have no feelings for him and am glad I'm not with him anymore.

I've had a number of relationships over the years - one quite serious but on a bit of a low at the moment, had a tough few years and I've put on 3-4 stone and feel miserable about it. At the moment I'm concentrating on getting the DC through A levels and GCSEs so life is a bit quiet. On the plus side I have a great relationship with my DC, lots of good friends and a great career, travel quite a bit. I know I am fortunate in many ways.

Tonight my XH comes to pick up the DC - he's been away and not seen them for a while. I've been with them 24/7 so it was going to be a bit weird them going off tonight. As he's waiting for the kids in the hall he says to me
'Emma is waiting in the car...'
"Who's Emma?' I say
"Oh someone I've been seeing for a while, who you know...'
'Not Emma from college?"
'Yes'.

I decline the suggestion - not today. I'm feeling a bit crap, fluey and looking shit. Emma was XH's girlfriend at college for quite a while. I knew them both, and she and I we were quite friendly for a little while, mainly moaning about our boyfriends! I only got together with XH a few years later.

I was completely thrown. It put me on the back foot and practically winded me. I was taken by surprise and then left wondering if the kids knew they were spending the evening with his girlfriend, did they know and not tell me? I dont know.

Its just quite weird and shocking - out of the blue. I dont give a damn about him but it still hurt particularly given I couldn't feel further from being in a relationship. I've had a little cry. Can anyone understand why this hurts?

OP posts:

pudding21 · 09/04/2018 20:48

I can totally see why it hurts. I bet it feels like a kick in the stomach. I haven't been in this situation but try go with the emotion, don't overthink on it or give it more space than it needs.

Go and be kind to yourself, try turn that negative feeling into something else and give you energy to find yourself again, whatever that takes.

pippistrelle · 09/04/2018 20:54

Yes, I can understand too. The sub-text might be a feeling that your relationship was an after-thought and that the ex was his one that got away, and he may always have held a torch for her. More difficult to deal with than someone brand new, I think. But you'll find your perspective and your equilibrium, I'm sure. It's okay to have a wobble, even after what might seem like a long time.

Original poster

Bouledeneige · 09/04/2018 21:01

We were together for 20 years and they were for a year. So no I wasnt really thinking that she was his real love, I don't think.

Its just hard it was someone I once knew and liked. And that it came out of the blue. Did my kids know they were spending the night with her and not tell me - what are they thinking? It made me feel left out and a bit of a loser. I think I'd be fine if I had someone in my life right now. Would probably laugh. But it just underlines I'm on my own....

I'm drinking wine and watching crap TV. I know this too will pass. And maybe its my incentive to get fit and sassy again...

OP posts:

Belindabauer · 09/04/2018 22:57

Don't worry about your ex he's no catch. As for the kids sometimes they just don't tell parents things, even important things. They probably don't see it as an issue, perhaps their dad has had lots of girlfriends.
You are better off watching crap tv than being stuck with a dickhead.

Sparkles1992 · 09/04/2018 23:15

Maybe they didn't want to tell you in case it upset you

Gemini69 · 09/04/2018 23:18

keep your chin up Lady... forget him, he won't have changed.. in any way

caringcarer · 09/04/2018 23:26

Children have torn loyalties and often opt out of telling either parent anything to do with the other parent. You are just feeling upset because it came out of the blue and it has taken you by surprise. Concentrate on making you feel better about yourself. Try to get out and get a bit of exercise. You say you have put on a lot of weight why not go on a diet and fitness thing. You know your x would find someone eventually. You know it is over with you and you do not want him back so let it go and think of yourself.

SmileyBird · 09/04/2018 23:29

Is it something about the fact that you knew her so long ago? Are you suddenly feeling the gulf between the girl you were then and the older (fatter) wiser woman you are now? Mourning the loss of your youth, so to speak?

Mumontherocks1 · 09/04/2018 23:38

His delivery speaks volumes. He only cares about himself.

I know it hit you hard, most people would feel that way. He is heartless and sounds like a dickhead.

It might take a little time for the shock to abate but you will be fine.

Take care of yourself. You are a great mum and your DC know it. They see his behaviour for what it is. Be strong, you are doing a great job!!

Original poster

Bouledeneige · 09/04/2018 23:39

Yes all of the above and thank you for your kind consideration.

I'm picturing Emma as she was at 19 when I knew her and me at 50 something.

I'm cross that as at this moment I'm not in a relationship and not feeling good about myself.

I'm sad that my kids might think my life is too sad that they couldn't tell me.

I dont want my kids to like her. Thats just damn honest.

Yes, I need a life, move on, again and as ever. Maybe this is the spur.

OP posts:

Mumontherocks1 · 09/04/2018 23:43

I feel sorry for Emma. She shouldn't have come to the house. Maybe he told her it was fine. Good luck to them both, this won't be a smooth running for either of them.

Original poster

Bouledeneige · 09/04/2018 23:51

Hey Mum - thank you for that. I liked it. I'm not really caring about how Emma felt. But she got to spend dinner with my DC who are pretty polite and charming. In time I will find out how my DD felt - she wont be happy if she didn't know she was going to be meeting her. Ds could've been very uncomfortable - but I might never know. He hides it but he's very close to me.

But keep me going with the bad Emma vibes. Makes me happy!

OP posts:

Mumontherocks1 · 10/04/2018 00:01

I never liked that Emma one bit!!

Chat openly to your DC about how they feel. My EXH did similar. I asked my DC aged 6 & 8 at the time how they felt. They told me they felt awkward around her. I helped them with their feelings. It was an open conversation.

It really helped them that they could talk openly about how they felt and I could reassure them.

serialcheat · 10/04/2018 09:16

You're feeling a bit low for several reasons.......

Methinks YOU need a new love interest......

Good luck, Op

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