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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiancé avoiding sex

18 replies

disconnecteddrifter · 09/04/2018 17:48

I've been with my fiancé for three years and we have always had a good sex life - twice a day on average and sexts/loving texts in between. I feel he has always been more up for it than me and was always stood to attention as it were.
We have always had a tempestuous relationship too but that hasnt seemed to dampen desire.
In the last few weeks he hasn't initiated sex and has said he is too tired on a number of occasions When I have and I have felt rejected and feel insecure that he is no longer attracted to me. We discussed it and he says he is feeing tired and doesn't know why his libido has diminished. He makes the effort and if I turn him on he will have sex with me but it isn't as passionate as it was and I feel guilty, like I'm making him have sex and I don't want that.
I feel really sad as I can't see a reason why things have changed (i.e. We have both felt tired or under stress in the last three years but always had a strong sexual connection regardless). I think he is no longer attracted to me even though for the last month we have been getting on better than ever. He wants to get married soon as do I but I can't help having this nagging doubt that the relationship is in decline if he doesn't want to have sex as much anymore and feel that he doesn't love me. Outside of the bedroom he can't do enough for me but he is a considerate person in general. He is kind, loving and a beautiful soul.
I have tried to research why men stop wanting to have sex with their partners and he doesn't have medication, depression etc and we are both in our 30s. The desire he had for me seems to have literally dropped off and I can't see any reason. What should I do? I'm doubting whether we should go ahead with the wedding as I feel so sad about this issue.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 09/04/2018 17:53

If you had said in the last 6 months I'd understand your concern but it's been in the last few weeks-that's not long! Just trust that he's very tired. Has he been doing more?

disconnecteddrifter · 09/04/2018 17:57

He said he is finding work more stressful but he's found work stressful before! I am anxious about it but want to know as I feel like there's a pressure to sort this out/preemptively deal with it with planning for a wedding. It hasn't happened in three years and is happening now. I'm so worried. Thank you for replying

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 09/04/2018 17:59

Don't pressure him, that's the last thing he needs.

Tinkobell · 09/04/2018 18:13

Twice a day seems amazing but maybe quite a high bar to maintain ............indefinitely. Pressure is a passion killer. It only takes an incident or two to jar someone's confidence or faith in their ability - so to speak. Maybe he's thinking if he can't keep up this shagathon you'll not want him. Good sex is 90 percent mental ....! You've got to talk to him, get to the route cause and reassure.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2018 18:14

Don't get married if this continues.

disconnecteddrifter · 09/04/2018 18:16

Thank you - we did talk and he said all long term relationships end up with less sex but it hasn't for three years why now? And yes I am thinking maybe getting married is the wrong choice if he's no longer in to me.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2018 18:23

If the only way you think he can care is by having sex twice a day, maybe this isn't the right relationship for you.

Has he been to the doctors?

Do you have or want kids?

Can imagine the responses you'd get if a guy contemplated cancelling the wedding because he no longer got enough sex

Tinkobell · 09/04/2018 18:23

I think it's really important to ask him if it's the prospect of marriage per se and you being his 'forever' lady that could be the turn-off.....cos if it is or might be that ....you have indeed got problems.
If it's his job pressures or you expecting him to deliver twice a day....it's probably all talkable. You do have less sex as you get older ...just cos it's bloody hard to find the time actually! Not to say when you do it, it's any less enjoyable!

Crispbutty · 09/04/2018 18:25

He’s probably just exhausted.

Waterlemon · 09/04/2018 18:32

I get the impression that you need sex as some kind of validation of your relationship.

Waterlemon · 09/04/2018 18:34

And what do you mean by “tempestuous”.

Lots of arguments followed by make-up sex? That’s certainly not a healthy relationship if it is!

NotTheFordType · 09/04/2018 18:39

I agree with Tinkobell - wondering if the prospect of permanent commitment is responsible.

FancyNewBeesly · 09/04/2018 18:48

Twice a day is not sustainable. Sex in relationships goes through peaks and troughs, as does libido. I think you’re massively overreacting and taking it personally where it’s most likely not.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 09/04/2018 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatildaTheCat · 09/04/2018 19:16

Everyone has periods of diminished libido. Just let it go for now and let him rest. Twice a day is completely unsustainable if you have anything else at all to do in your lives!

More importantly, once you relax the sex pressure is he still loving and talking? Far more important indicators of whether he wants to be with you than constant shagging.

disconnecteddrifter · 09/04/2018 19:26

Thank you for your replies. I genuinely feel anxious and it is good to consider whether I am taking it personally. I think I do take things personally and this is something I need to work on.
I don't think I shouldn't get married due to him not having sex but worry the low libido is indicative of deeper problems which unless discovered will ultimately make us unhappy.
The deeper issues could be something about commitment I suppose. Our relationship has been tempestuous as I have had a depressed period and felt like he didn't prioritise me but I have too high expectations and catastophise like he said he wouldn't want to be in an unhappy relationship so I worried every time I felt slightly down. This made me take things more personally and feel dissatisfied. He still loved me and now I feel we are getting on better this love seems to be fading. Plus the marriage thing, I'm happy o get married but would rather be loving and passionate together and not have a wedding!
I guess I'm after reassurance that libido goes up and down and it doesn't mean anything ominous- but I can't reassure myself of that as it's never gone down in three years of some quite stressful circumstances.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 09/04/2018 19:49

Most people DO have ups and downs, it's abnormal to never have ups and downs! I'm sure the decreased sex is symptomatic of another problem in your relationship, maybe you're not levelling with each other very well. Sex isn't or shouldn't be a perfunctory act....it's the cherry on the cake of a good relationship.
If you've got a kind and generous relationship with each other you'll allow each other space to go off the boil for all manner of reasons - job shit, kids shit, period pain shit, money shit, family shit.....all sorts of life shit! It's just how it is. Keep a sex toy in the drawer for me-time if he's not up for it!

SandyY2K · 09/04/2018 19:54

Mismatched sex drives cause relationship difficulties and if you can see it before marriage....then it's no good ignoring it.

There's nothing wrong with you wanting more regular sex ... there's nothing wrong with him wanting less... You may just not be a long term match.

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