Always twists it back to me!

[Bugsbunny74]

Communication has completely fallen. We can't have a converstation and I can't say how I feel without him twisting it around to say how depressed he is and how he hates his job.
He's had 2 years to find more work and go to the doctors and now I've stopped supporting that because he does nothing to change it and it's making me miserable.

He shouts at me and the kids daily and it goes on for hours untill he "makes us" understand why we made him shout in the first place.

"Example"
DS forgot to charge the controller after last use on XBox so because he wanted to change the controller he came downstairs and DH instantly jumped down his throat about making sure you charge it. Acussed him of breaking it because its was dead. It wasn't broken. This resulted in a huge row and him screaming at DS caling him a spoilt brat.

I was cleaning the house the other day while he was at work so popped the kids on the pads. They died and when he got in screamed at me for letting them on them too long.
(I Do work too btw)
He works 37 hours me 24.. Im a nurse, he works with computers.
So I do all cooking, cleaning, school and childminders runs as well as getting up with the youngest at night, shopping.
I'm exhausted so sometimes I do use the computers as a way to occupy while i take 5 or get things done. But they also draw, play out, do after school clubs. They are active kids.
He says I'm lazy and just put them on them to keep them quiet.

He will help with washing and cleans the bathroom once a week.

But he mostly just checks and controls everything is in place and they haven't lost a school jumper or book ect. Because god forbid they left something at school all hell would brake loose.

He even checks their laces to see if they've untied them because they will ruin them if not and he (we) will have to buy more.
To be clear they've just had a new pair after 8 months which I think is good going.
They are good kids and apart from a few slip ups look after things.

Weekends hes either at football or coaching it or I'm working.

I've had two nights off so far this year and I'm at my wits end.
He goes to football whenever he likes.
If I spend money on myself I'm selfish because he is always skint ( he has big loans because I think he gambles alot) But refuses to show bank statements.

I'm so ashamed I've started smoking after 2 years quitting because im so stressed. Now thats just something else to have ago at me about. He threatens to tell the kids because hes knows they'll be upset with me.
Everytime I attempt to stop again, I get so stressed from it all and him grinding me down. I buy more, and I'm really not proud!

Im utterly down and depressed and I'm going to leave him. I just need to get myself together and find the strength.

Control freaks never change do they?

I've taken to messaging him while at work because I don't want a row and a poor me speach in person. So he just has ago at me about that. But I'm so stressed about discussing anything because he doesn't listen. At least if its written down I can go back and point things out without him twisting it to suit him.
I know what I need to do. Please give me strength!

He name calls and controls continuesly and I've had enough!
Please tell me I haven't gone crazy.

When he texts and I dont reply, he will bring the kids into it. Asking how they are what they are doing. What I'm letting them play with ect.
If I don't reply he'll say "so you're using the kids now, not replying about them and making decisions without me."
He'll try dictate what I let them do while he's at work. Like if he doesn't want them on the Ds he'll say I'm going against him if I do. Because he has already banned them for answering back.
They don't really answer back, they just tru and explain themselves which he won't allow because he says I'm the adult and they are the child.
Its silly things like not putting controllers or games back.
He wants to know what they are wearing when outside playing. He will come home and check how many clothes they've dirtied and if they have put them away neatly. If he finds a wrapper behind the bed he will have ago at them and then have a go at me for letting them have a treat upstairs..

Please tell me thats not normal!

Its like these abusers just change so quickly. Reel you in and then its too late!
I know its not, but I hope you understand what I mean.

I know you're all right and I'm in tears writing this. I will do it I know I will!

He'll bung you a bit of money and move out leaving you with all the bills? He will have quite a shock when the solicitor gets onto that.

He has got physical with you. He blocked your exit. That's physical. It is like a step on the staircase to a punch. Barging you out of the way, general physical pushing around is another one.

What would have happened if you had tried to get past his blockade?

When you tell him to shut the fuck up it doesn't matter if he gets all "oooh, who is abusive now". He doesn't get to set the rules. You can still say it.

Mind you, how much nicer to never have to say it because he's not there in your house ranting at you.

It takes alot for me to say it. Its when I've been tipped over the edge! I feel bad about it too. How ironic I know.
I only see my future without him, I know that now.
I never seen the stopping me as physical but I see it now.
I tried to get past once and as soon as i tried he said I was phyically abusing him by pushing him to get past. It was more like trying to push past. But I'm not strong enough. He's 6 foot I'm tiny.
So I just haven't tried again.

At the moment he feels like he has full control. You need to, whatever else you decide, try to break that. So the next time he has a rant...

Stay absolutely calm throughout
Say the same thing over and over again - something like “this had been discussed enough” or “I will not discuss this any more” Do NOT waiver from this or say anything else.
Did I say remain calm? And polite.
It will be tough the first time, but persevere. It will be easier the next time, and the time after.
Do not engage in conversation which he turns into a rant
Be very clear on this.

Not sure if that helps, but it worked for me. My ex didn’t rant, but was very controlling in a very insidious manner.

And re the kids and texting, just say they are fine, you are busy....and repeat

Btw it is physical abuse to stand in a doorway and prevent someone from leaving....so “please let me pass, it is physical abuse to try to prevent me from leaving”....and repeat Infinitum.

As much as you can, you have to disengage. You know he'll try every tactic in the book to get a rise from you, but you have to pretend, if at all possible, that he's just not there and not let any of his words get to you. If it's easier to just agree with him about something, just agree (as long as it doesn't throw your children under the bus, or put any of you in danger).

I know it's not the same situation but sister is a lot like this - she has personality disorder and can't relate to people so the way she gets engagement and attention is to get at them all the time. It's incredibly exhausting and I just don't talk to her any more. But when we lived in the same house the only thing that worked was to mostly ignore her and then if it was easier to let her have her way, then just to let her have her way. There were times when she destroyed my clothes and I had to just accept it because it was easier to let her do that and not rise to it than it was to have the argument about what a horrible person I was not for not giving her the clothes in the first place. If she said I was horrible and a bitch and abusive and all that I just said 'Yes I am, you're totally right, so for your own good you should stay away from me.' What could she say to that? She didn't expect agreement, she wanted anger and argument because that satisfied something in her. Once she knew she wasn't going to get a rise out of me she just gave up. I'm thinking your husband won't give up and may escalate things eventually but for the time being just to give you some respite, and to stop his words having an effect you do need to disregard what he says - it's all just nonsense anyway. Talk to your children about this too and tell them the same thing.

Then, make plans to get away from this horrible shithead asap - I mean within the next few weeks if at all possible. Don't tell him you're leaving.

I've even tried separating everything so I dont have to do anything for him. We get tax credits which we spend on weekly food. So because it's his money too. I said he can have his percentage to buy and make his food. But he just transfers it back and says no. Then when I don't cook for him he will say, so you are cooking my food without feeding me and I've been working all day and then he'll call me a spiteful cow and im being vindictive purposely.
I will try the just let him get what he wants spag and bob but it's very difficult because he goes on and on for hours even if i agree. I'm miserable and he clearly senses that so he will just say. You're always in a mood whats up with you now! I say nothing and try ignore it. But its hard to change your mood when you're deeply depressed and low.

Choosing to continue living with this abusive man is a bad parenting choice: get out asap.

Sooner the better, for you and (even more importantly) the DC.

I know it is dozer...
I'm getting out thats imminent

That’s great.

Suggest focusing on your practical plans for you and the DC. Trying to work out why he’s said or done X or Y (eg your last post) or how to “manage” him might not help.

Safest to assume that he’ll simply continue to behave abusively, because he is abusive. And make decisions on your actions with advice from people who understand these kinds of situations, eg womens aid.

No you're completely right. I just feel safe to rant about his behaviour here anyway. Just steam I need to let loose while I'm making plan.

It must be so exhausting Bugs, you poor thing. I think it's time to call Women's Aid, it sounds like it's at a point where you will need help and you do really need to get away very soon. Hang in there, you can do this. I know how much this can wear you down, how torturous it is.

Start keeping a record of these incidents. Screenshot any abusive texts. Keep a diary. Like a pp said, stop engaging and just ignore ignore ignore.

Please take care of yourself.

You may have mentioned already, but do you have any real life support?

I have support.. But I feel like whenever I need it they make me feel guilty for asking.
Like empty support if you like, so I do feel quite alone.

I know what you mean. Is there someone that you haven't talked to, that might be supportive? A colleague, an old friend? Lots of people will really come through if they're just asked, all it takes is to identify them. Don't bother with the people who give empty support, it's actually more draining in the long run.

And don't fall into the trap of having to justify yourself - a supportive person will just hear 'I'm leaving him' and say 'Ok, what can I do to help?' and that's it. You don't have to explain exactly why it is you want to leave, a simple 'because it's what I want' should be enough (although someone who will listen to you talk about the reasons is worth their weight in gold - I'm just saying don't explain yourself to anybody, nobody is owed an explanation).

I think I need a confindence boost from Womens aid tomorrow to push me to talk to others about my situation. I'm so greatful for MN but I need a professional to give me a sharp shock on how bad this really is iyswim.
Another good example of how much of a twat he is.
Few months back we were invited to a family party but couldn't get a babysitter. So he bribed me.
He said I could only go if I swapped my sunday shifts so he could go to football.
He does this alot. If a shift doesn't fit his social life he will make me swap it. He'll text me every hour at work to check I'm swapping. I loose alot of unsocaible pay because it doesn't fit him. I can't do night work often because it doesn't fit round his work.
I'm always working around him.

He is a twat.

I am feeling physically sick having read the descriptions you've posted here, Bugs.

He's being abusive towards you on almost every level, and he's abusing your children too.

Speak to Women's Aid today or tomorrow. See if you can get a free consultation with a solicitor, to find out what you're entitled to. Do it quick, do it now. Don't expose yourself or your children to another moment of this horrible life. It's awful, and you all deserve better.

Hi, OP. I'm with you. Similar story here, I've joined the dots using your descriptions, just before we were sorting out him (partner of five years) moving in. It's those awful text messages for me, too, that have worn me down.

I'd be a bloody fool to live with him. But we're so enmeshed in other's lives already. What a mess. But I know what I need to do. My kids are a lot older than yours, but they don't deserve to be ranted at and told they're crap. I used to be glad someone was 'helping' and 'stepping up' for me, but lately, just recently, when I've been a bit vulnerable from some surgery, he's been controlling. And has let me down. Quite telling.

OP, I don't know why some partners get like this. But I think it's fine to get tough and end it and fight for the house. I did with my ExH way back when, and he had to accept a lot less than he wanted or expected in the end. Get a decent divorce solicitor.

This is awful. You deserve much better as do your kids.