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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relate - He won’t change will he?

10 replies

takemeimalive · 09/04/2018 10:19

Previous posted about my 20yr marriage situation (dc 12/15) and we have been going to Relate, (at my suggestion) together for four months.

I wasn’t sure things could be saved but I wanted to try and I wanted dh to realise how serious the problems are in our marriage. We have both been honest at the sessions and it has been hard at times to say and hear things. The nature of counselling, I guess. However my dh has been given some suggestions of actions that might help us. There have been three specific actions but he has not done any of them. To me this speaks volumes and I feel more than ever that we have run our course. When challenged he says he finds it difficult and wants to try but also that he feels there is no point because my mind is made up it’s over !! I am beginning to believe it is, would you think it’s over ?

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 09/04/2018 10:22

Yes I would. I would also change your sessions to how to separate amicably.

There just does not seem any point

What are the three things?

Sosog00d · 09/04/2018 10:25

He feels there is no point because your mind is made up?

I had one like that. An underhand way of evading personal responsibility imo.

You're going through such a tough time OP.

Original poster

takemeimalive · 09/04/2018 10:48

Thank you both. Quite- I don’t want to give too much away but I’d say simple actions. One example was to arrange an opportunity for just the two of us to do SOMETHING - ONE THING together. He had a two week window. Nothing happened. If he can’t do that with instruction and suggestion via the sessions there is no hope in my mind of him doing it going forward. Just reinforces my thoughts that we are probably over.

OP posts:

Original poster

takemeimalive · 09/04/2018 10:50

Soso- maybe he does realise it’s over, he clear it will be my decision if it is. I totally agree with the evading personal responsibility. It would suit him to blame me I guess. That does not bode well

OP posts:

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 09/04/2018 10:51

Yeah I think you’ve flogged this dead horse enough. Him putting it back onto you by saying you’ve already made up your mind is a really manipulative thing to do.

He’s shown that he clearly doesn’t want to save it as much as you do.

Buckingfrolicks · 09/04/2018 10:52

have you had actions and done them? Not goady, just wondering if the 'actions' thing was reciprocal so he can have a measure of your good will towards him.

otherwise I'd say it's over and time to part. He is not going to change after 20 years imo.

Original poster

takemeimalive · 09/04/2018 11:27

Bucking- that is a totally fair point! I did have one action which I completed. It shouldn’t surprise me really, my dh is not used to initiating anything - hence the tasks.

Myrelationship - I’m not sure he is being manipulative, I think he really believes it. Maybe I’m being too generous!

OP posts:

Sosog00d · 09/04/2018 11:53

You may well be being too generous, only time will tell.

If it's consistent with other parts of his character then I'd say he is transferring responsibility, if that makes any sense.

All you can really do is listen to your head and heart. Maybe he's quite content to plod along .... doesn't mean you have to be.

My exDH waited for me to pull the plug. He was then able to self-righteously accuse me of destroying our family. Never mind his years of bad behaviour....they had nothing to do with it

bastardkitty · 09/04/2018 12:00

I went through a similar experience. Passive non-compliance. He did the homework if it was for himself and not if it related to doing something for me/us. The counsellor said she didn't know what I was talking about when I raised this. You should have seen both of their faces when I said I was done wasting my time and wouldn't be back. I ended it and ex got to play the victim, which was what he wanted all along but worked fine for me. I agree with PP, either change the focus to how to separate, or find an individual counsellor to help you to understand why you felt you should put up with this nonsense and to support you to leave. And wait for him to say 'I can't believe you're just giving up like that'. No sense of irony.

Original poster

takemeimalive · 09/04/2018 17:17

Soso - you’re right he would be happy to plod on and you’re right I don’t have to. I think I have now woken up to that.

Bastard - thanks for your reply. I think the counselling might be reaching its natural conclusion. Dh tells me today he thinks he has had enough. Also weirdly the counsellor said how sad we were making him feel because we weren’t making any progress I will continue counselling but I don’t think it will be with Relate.

OP posts:

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