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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How was I so blind? Don't know what to do.

36 replies

Teapiggy · 09/04/2018 07:14

Name changed for obvious reasons on this one. I split from my ex the beginning of last year he was having the youngest two dc every other weekend (oldest refuses to go). We split due to him being lazy, didn't treat me like a human and jealous of his own children to the point he did everything to keep them away from me. It took me a decade to finally get the courage to end it.

Anyway he now lives at his mum's and has since cut down seeing them to whenever he has free time as he changed jobs but they no longer stay. I kind of feel like this is a form of control as he never gives any idea when he will be off but that's another story.

The problem I have is that recently two dc have been coming home telling me that he is nasty to middle child. I asked what they meant and they said that he hits him and lies about it. I asked them seperatly what they mean and it seems that he hits ds and when they tell his mum he outright denies it. They also said it used to happen while I was working. I asked oldest about it and she said that she used to walk in to ds crying and saying dad had hit him and when she questioned him he would say that they were playing and ds fell over. I've even had youngest crying asking for him to come back here as he is nicer when he lived with us. It's heart breaking.

I questioned ex who just said I can't believe they would say such horrible things about me and how it hurts him so much that they would lie like that. (Always about him). I use his mum for childcare and now I don't know what to do. One of the children said last week that they are glad he's not in when they were going there so he can't be mean to d's and she said "Don't talk rubbish he doesn't do that" then went on to say how she used to be always snaking her kids and still would if they wernt bigger than her Hmm

Now I don't know what to do I feel like I should tell someone but family members say I should just keep them away as if I report it they will be taken from me as I have smacked them once in the past (once and I apologised to them for losing my temper and would never deny it). Plus I also feel the fact I missed loads of signs my ds anger after coming back from there, the fact he wet himself until he was 8 and when we went to the specialist ex told them he drank loads of fizzy drinks (He didn't) so they said his wetting was down to that. His lack of confidence. I feel like I've failed him so much.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 09/04/2018 07:22

You know what you need to do. Stop the children from going there and seek proper advice. Protect them. It is not your fault what happened before but you can put it right now.

wannabestressfree · 09/04/2018 07:23

Also they won't be removed from you.....

AJPTaylor · 09/04/2018 07:26

So. What happens if you stop sending them? How old are they?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2018 07:26

I would believe your children over your ex and his mother. Your ex is behaving towards his children in the same way as he did towards you actually; he is using them to control you from a distance. You all need to put mental as well as physical distance between he and you.

I would also immediately look for alternative childcare; the rotten apple that is your ex did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family of origin. Of course his mother defends him, after all her loyalty is to her rotten son and she is not a fit person to look after your kids either.

Re your comment:-
Now I don't know what to do I feel like I should tell someone but family members say I should just keep them away as if I report it they will be taken from me as I have smacked them once in the past (once and I apologised to them for losing my temper and would never deny it)

You should indeed tell someone and keep them away from him but your family members are otherwise advising you poorly here. Think about it, why would social services take your children away from you for having smacked them once in the past?. It simply would not happen. I would contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and speak to them about your ex. He is not interested in seeing them, he is using them to yank your chain and control you from a distance. He likes seeing you in particular suffer.

I presume that contact arrangements are informal; I would cease your children seeing their dad with immediate effect. You need to be seen to be protecting them from their dad. You have not failed your children here but you are their only responsible adult here because your ex certainly is not.

Original poster
Teapiggy · 09/04/2018 07:27

Thank you. I feel so bad as middle child has always been seen as angry and difficult and now I know why. When he was telling me he said he gets so angry no one believes him and that he didn't tell me because he thought I wouldn't either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teapiggy · 09/04/2018 07:37

There is no formal contact arrangement and I don't think he would really care if he didn't see them. His mum spoils middle child alot she buys him tonnes of toys and now I'm wondering if she was buying his silence. They are a bunch of liars anyway and ex does have form for doing stuff and denying it. He made me feel like I was going insane at points.

I will give woman's aid a call after work. I'm currently looking for a job to fit round school holidays as I work for crap money any way so dinner lady won't be much of a drop in wages. On a plus side I'm so glad I found the strength to leave the difference in the children especially middle one is amazing. He is less angry and withdrawn he is becoming kinder to the others and life is nice for once. I've just got to take this last step to make sure it stays that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teapiggy · 09/04/2018 07:39

Oh and they are 7,10 & 13. The only thing that will happen is I will struggle to carry on in my job as the pay is crap and only covers my rent.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 09/04/2018 07:51

Teapiggy you are doing the right thing. Don’t blame yourself for your ex’s behaviour. Your son is already happier, keep going. Wishing you all the good things tea Flowers

AJPTaylor · 09/04/2018 08:19

The important thing is that you are taking action to protect him now you do know.

Original poster
Teapiggy · 09/04/2018 08:42

Yes it's just getting my head around it. It's like I knew he was a dick but not this much of one. I'm going to give them a call and take it from there.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 09/04/2018 08:50

Your family are completely wrong, SS won't remove your DCs from you because you smacked one of them once. That's nonsense. And don't feel bad that you didn't know, you know now and you're acting on it. Your ex's mum sounds as bad as he is, and I think you're right that she was buying the silence of the middle DS with the gifts, sadly.

category12 · 09/04/2018 09:05

As pp, the ss won't take your dc away over a single smack. Make sure you reassure your dc you believe them and keep them safe. Flowers

privateporcupine · 09/04/2018 10:07

Your poor little boy Sad Stand up for him. Be the person he knows he can always rely on.
What an utter scumbag your ex is.

Good luck Flowers

TiredMummy18 · 09/04/2018 10:19

SS would never take your kids away because you smacked them once. A lot of us have lost our tempers and given them a tap before, you apologised and have never done it again so don’t worry.

Please do not let them go there again. Put it all into a text as to why, but I think before you tell him you need to report what he’s doing to someone so you have back up rather than just being seen as a mother who is keeping his kids from him, because that’s what he would tell people.

My heart breaks for your middle child, imagine the awful feeling he must have when he knows he’s going to his dads, and i says it all that your oldest doesn’t want to go. Keep them all safe at home with you.

As for childcare, do you claim tax credits/universal credits? You will get help with childcare costs so you won’t have to rely on his horrible mother anymore, and could get help with housing costs etc. Which would make life a lot less stressful for you.

TheJoyOfSox · 09/04/2018 10:29

You must stop your ex from having time alone with the children.

I think that social services can arrange for accompanied visits. This man is a bully and he must not be allowed to be so cruel to his children.

Just because he should have his visitation rights reduced to accompanied visits doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to pay. Is it time to see a solicitor again to sort this mess out, before your poor dc are completely screwed up by this.

I’d put an immediate stop to their dad having them for now, and get to a solic ASAP.

SeaEagleFeather · 09/04/2018 10:42

I asked what they meant and they said that he hits him and lies about it. I asked them seperatly what they mean and it seems that he hits ds and when they tell his mum he outright denies it

how she used to be always snaking her kids and still would if they wernt bigger than her

Glad to hear you will be stopping contact .. you know yourself that this is the right thing to do.

I bet your ex MIL knows exactly how much he's hitting them and is covering up for him.

good luck, it must have been a real shock to discover this. You are absolutely doing the right thing by stopping contact.

Original poster
Teapiggy · 09/04/2018 15:22

Thank you everyone. It's been such a shock it's taken a bit to take it all in. Middle dc has always been so quiet but with an explosive temper to the point people have said he might be on the spectrum. Now it all seems to make sense. He likes going round there to see his nan as he gets presents but is angry when he gets home throwing massive tantrums and now I know why.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/04/2018 15:29

I think maybe you should apologise to your middle child and tell him you hadn't realised what was actually going on and that you should have known (because of what your ex and his mum are like.) Tell him you believe him and you want to do what's best for him. I think you will have to spell it out, that it's not his fault and that you are sorry and you'll do your best not to let it happen again.

I'm not blaming you, here, but I think your middle son is owed an apology nonetheless. I think it could make the world of difference to him.

Original poster
Teapiggy · 09/04/2018 16:48

Yes I have apologised to him. He is very weird about it as he's obviously protective of his dad and doesn't want him to get in trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teapiggy · 09/04/2018 18:28

His dad is also fiercely denying it saying he will get legal advice to protect him from the lies etc

OP posts:
RickOShay · 10/04/2018 00:12

Stand you ground, he’s blustering.Flowers

Original poster
Teapiggy · 10/04/2018 07:16

I will I'm now getting the let's just put it all behind us and start again talk. Very reminiscent of when we were together.

OP posts:
Locotion · 10/04/2018 07:35

This is so fucked up.

Lovely OP, cut them out, don't hide abuse.

Your life will be so much better after you and your children feel safe.

If you lose your job you will get benefits for a while until you find another job. It will be hard but you will find strength you never knew you had.

Who are these famiky members telling you to hide yoir husbands violence? They dont love your children like you do they?

You havent failed them, yet. This is your chance to show them how you act once you know the truth about their disgusting father. Don't let his threats scare you.

Social services are not going to fall for his lies, they will see lots of (lying, charming) men like him. Just be honest.

You can do this. Now is the time to act and we will all supoort you along the way xxx

RickOShay · 10/04/2018 07:39

The important people here are you and your children. He is who he is, he’s not going to change, that’s not your fault or responsibility. You are doing well, you have listened to your son and believed him, that is everything. What did women’s aid say?

TooTrueToBeGood · 10/04/2018 07:44

His dad is also fiercely denying it saying he will get legal advice to protect him from the lies etc

Let him. Do you think the police cancel an investigation if the suspect threatens to get legal advice? Of course not, and neither should you. This is obviously an intimidating situation for you with a lot of unknowns but your first priority is to protect your children, even if that means stepping way outside your comfort zone. Be brave and do what you know is right, not what is easiest. There are various agencies and charities that can help and advise you, use them.