Staying with abusive man to protect children

[whatsupport]

Someone I am close to is staying with her husband because she is certain he'd get shared custody if they split and she is sure he would be abusive to the dc.

She has said that no one else knows about this, and that it would make things worse if they did, but that I need to know in case she becomes ill etc. DC all great, doing well, emotionally intelligent. She says she only has x number of years before they are grown and she can cope with waiting. I have changed a few things in this, to keep it anonymous.

She has said to him that if he is abusive to the dc or violent to her she will leave, and he doesn't want her to leave, and he sticks to those "rules".

He has been very abusive in the past verbally and she said if he didn't stop she'd leave and he is now not nearly as abusive as he has been.

He now has affairs and is controlling and occasionally verbal but she says she rarely sees him, he only ever sees her and the dc when she organises something, she is almost like a single parent, and that when she asks him to do something, such as spend the day with them and be nice, every few months, he does it.

She thinks if she met someone else things would change and he would cause a lot of trouble.

How do I best support her?

Thank you for all that mallorie it is very much appreciated

Your friend may have said that to you as she can't see any hope of a solution, during her lifetime.
Please encourage her to get advice from Women's Aid and a solicitor, to help her see what could be possible.

mxyzptlk I am trying my hardest to see this from all sides - are you saying what you are saying because it sounds right, or because you have been through it yourself? Because I think that there would be a lot of women interested in how you managed to guarantee no unsupervised contact for a decade.

Twogoround don't give up. I stopped speaking to my dad but took a lot of it out on my mum, I wouldn't have dates to say some of the things I said to him he'd have killed me, but I knew my mum could take it iyswim.
I know now that it wasnt her fault at all but it took me having kids and learning more about the situation (I have to do child protection training for my job and suddenly realised she was abused as well, at the time it registered vaguely as he was smean to her but it's only in hindsight that I can see how controlled she was)
We have a much closer relationship now than we ever have, even as a child. Don't give up hope, you did the right thing and I hope your children realise that soon for your sake

I haven't been through it but it seems sensible to get information on what might be possible.
No-one will try to push your friend to leave, if the kids are in no danger.

mxyptlk she has spoken to the right people and received advice. It doesn't mean there isn't answer out there, though, so your advice is sensible, thank you.

I can only sympathise, I have a friend in a similar situation. She chooses to stay with an emotionally abusive, financially controlling and increasingly aggressive man, because she believes that
A: she couldn't cope on her own - but she's already basically on her own as he does sod all with the kids.
B: he would cut her off from all money - but he has already done this anyway as she is not allowed access to any of their savings accounts.

She also believes her kids are not being harmed, but they witness his behaviour towards her, I do believe this damages kids.

@missyB1 I am sorry to hear about your friend, although in my friend's case it is a bit different as although it is controlling in some ways, it isn't financially controlling. Many women say they have found it so much easier to parent alone. Has your friend spoken to Womens Aid or a solicitor? I agree with you, it is very harmful for DC to see EA.