About to start separation process, any do's and don'ts please

[name54321]

Hi all

Name changed for this. DH and I have been married 17 years, two DC aged 11 and 8. We've effectively been separated for several years now and both of us have 100% agreed the relationship is over but we have not formalised anything and are still living in the same (joint owned) house, joint finances etc.

With things getting more and more tense we both spoke to someone who offers mediation services and are thinking of kicking this off soon.

I honestly have no idea at all how this all works and am feeling very daunted. I fear he could get very difficult.

Is there anything I should definitely do (or not)? Eg should I see a solicitor now, start getting together details of finances. Anything I should avoid? This is so big I'm really worried about making some huge mistake that's either financially disastrous, leaves me in the lurch with childcare or (worst of all, of course) damages the kids.

Although a divorce settlement starts at a nominal 50/50 split the court (if you go that way) will take provision of care for the children as priority so if you are the primary childcare you would get a significantly bigger proportion.
You can often get a free half hour at some solicitors but this is VERY quick so prepare important questions beforehand.
Look at Wikivorce etc for ideas about who might get what and whatever as at least that is a free resource while you get your head together. You are required to at least consider mediation (courts are expensive and you need special dispensation to not have at least one session) so if you can get a plan together mutually before or at mediation it MIGHT go relatively smoothly and not ridiculously expensively.

I think you should have some goals in mind and what you feel you can compromise on and what isn't negotiable (but may well end up being so).
Where will you live? Where will he live? How will you split having the children and what are the financial consequences?

I worked out what I needed to live on doing a budget planner and what maintenance I would be entitled to based upon what my DH was earning. I knew I would have to increase my working hours. I worked out what % split I would agree on the capital based upon my earning versus his and what I needed to have the house I wanted.
My DH had squirrelled money away and unfortunately once it's spent it is gone. Joint accounts need closing as a priority and this is a real pain if you can't both get into the bank. Look at speaking to a solicitor asap and research now getting a good one on recommendation.
Once it gets formal each side just wants the most they can get out of the situation. My ex just wanted to tell me what he was willing to give and that to be the end of it. If you think he will be difficult then he will. People rarely act their best in a divorce situation. You need some starting point of thinking how you will continue to live in the same house (if you intend to) during the period of divorce and what ground rules you will maintain for the children. It is so very hard not for children to be effected and don't underestimate what they feel and how you will deal with this. Spend time thinking about this. Would it be best they had counselling? Who can they talk to? Sometimes you are so overwrought yourself in dealing with it all that the children feel they just have to keep all their worries to themselves and are too young to do so. Telling them is just a starting point.

You need a good friend who you can offload to and who will challenge you as well on whether your choices are going to give you your goals and also if you need to compromise on certain things. I also had counselling myself by a divorce specialist because I knew from past experience how I don't deal with the emotional side as well as the practical.

Good luck.

Don’t think that he will play fair. Once you are done then it’s very very unlikely. Take all the advice you can get and get as much as you can. You only get one shot at this, and I’d hate for you to regret settling for less in 20/15/20 years time

Thanks all

Just been browsing the divorce/separation thread and it's making my head spin a bit. I think I'm still processing it all - not the end of the relationship as that's long gone, but the fact that at some point we actually need to break up the family home and split up the joint life.

Still very unsure on the big question of the living arrangements, it is very tense in the house which is obviously bad for the kids but is it less bad than their dad moving out... it is the most enormous decision and I'm really daunted by how big an impact it will have on their lives (neither option being good). Just so very sad they won't have the childhood I'd hoped for them.

I have one RL friend who knows what's happening but she's not local and I don't want to lean on her too much. I can't think of anyone else to talk to for now. I don't want other people to know before the kids as that seems unfair but with things so uncertain, it seems to early to say anything to them.