Should I give up on this?

[Plantlover23]

Hi everyone,

I've browsed all the topics here for a long time but only just decided to set up an account as I am after some advice about my current dating situation. This will probably be fairly long so thank you to anyone that reads the whole thing!

I'm in my early 20s and the guy I am dating is in his mid 20s in case that is relevant in any way. We've been seeing each other for around 6 weeks - I'm very aware that it's not a very long time! Everything's been going great, going along smoothly, we connect really well, have a lot in common etc.

So the issue is that it comes about that he is unsure what he wants and how he feels about the situation. At this point, I had not raised exclusivity or any kind of committed relationship talk as I was very happy with how it was going along without all that, so this conversation came entirely from him. The first time the issue came up, we talked it through and he was very honest about being unsure what he wants and if he's in the right place for a relationship to which we discussed and I told him that there is no need to worry about that just yet, that's not a bridge we need to cross. So we agreed to continue as normal.

I went on holiday for around a week about 2 weeks ago. He continually told me he missed me, was looking forward to seeing me etc. I have been having some issues in family life with a very unwell step parent and he has been incredibly supportive, offering to call me whenever he can, hiding in a meeting room at work to video call me and check that I'm OK. He came up with the idea that when I returned home from holiday, we should spend the best part of that week together - Saturday - Thursday. I was initially a little hesitant but he was really enthusiastic so I agreed. This was last week.

The week was really lovely, we had a great time, went on some lovely dates and just hung out. No awkwardness, no feeling like we were sick of each other etc. Come Thursday and he has social plans with a group of friends - absolutely fine. Bad timing in that this was the day my step parent had to go into surgery, so I was very tearful and worried about them. He felt as if he was torn between bailing on his friends and their plans to look after me and the intensity of what that means if he were to do that. Following this, he had another "I'm not sure what I want" moment.

We were supposed to be seeing each other yesterday evening, but I received a text from him saying he needed space, he hadn't had him time in a while - completely understandable we did spend the best part of a week together which is intense. He realised his message sounded a little severe I think and added a "that sounded way too much like a goodbye, it is NOT" and said for me not to be worried. I responded a little emotionally which I now regret, saying I was a little sad and that I'd had an awful night worrying about my step parent and was looking forward to it. To which he said that he understood and felt bad for flaking on the plan but was a little unsettled by how intense the situation was and needed time to think and slow it down. He also said "I still want to see you next week" (for a plan we have on Tuesday) "as long as you don't hate me." To which I obviously said I don't hate you, I did bail on a friend thinking I was busy tonight, but enjoy your day. The last thing he said was "I'm sorry." To which I replied don't be sorry, look after yourself, I am a little worried though. Then looking back a few hours later I realised how I'd guilt tripped him so added an additional message saying just wanted to say that I do understand how you feel and I don't want you to feel bad about today, then picking up on his still want to see you next week asking for confirmation which day we had agreed.

This conversation was around 3pm yesterday and I haven't heard from him since. I understand that in the grand scheme of things that isn't very long, but it is out of character and I am unsure what to do and worried about what he is thinking.

Does it sound like I should just give up on the situation because he's so unsure about it already and keeps having these moments (and may be close to concluding he doesn't want anything to do with me?) Should I just leave him assuming that if he does want to see me on Tuesday he is going to have to contact me before then?

Thank you in advance to anyone who has read through this and responds! I am quite stressed about it at the moment and any voices of reason will be very appreciated

I'd leave it. You have a lot on your plate and right now you don't need someone letting you down.

When a relationship works, it just works. It's not meant to feel like this.

Another way to look at it: Always remember that talk is cheap as chips. Judge folk on their actions only.

Sometimes this means you have to know someone for a long time - years - before you have enough information to decide whether they are worthwhile to your life. But in your case, your step parents illness and his response to it, shows a lot about him.

Don't be blackmailed by words like "don't hate me". Don't comfort him when he's let you down. You'd be so upset if a platonic friend did this, wouldn't you?

He's showing you who he is... Step back and make other plans for yourself.

He wants a light time, fun, to take things slowly and maybe isn’t even interested in a relationship...lovely for him but that’s not what you want.

Sounds like you crave a deeper connection or at least a sense that you’re seeing someone who has the same desire for a relationship.

I’d take a big step back and disengage your emotions. He isn’t going to be the rock you need right now. Look to your friends for support.

Having intimate time together and him seeming to be supportive but then pulling away sounds like a headfuck, especially when you have so much going on.

He doesn’t sound like a bad guy but he doesn’t want what you want, it seems.

He wanted space and you seemed OK with it so give him some. Then take it from there...

Give him his space watch if he returns and how. Don’t get too invested in him, he seems indecisive and you need support now.

A week should be enough time do not text him or call just leave it for him to contact you and when he does ask him if he knows what he wants. If still not then I suggest you either end it or inform him that you are going to start dating again.

Give him the space he's asking for, he seems uninterested and you seem extremely clingy. You're obviously after different things, see how he is after a week and if nothing has changed cut your losses.
You can't make someone want to be with you.

Please don't waste either your precious time or your precious self on someone who doesn't make you feel fabulous. He's told you he's not sure - believe him. Someone who thinks you're fabulous will make sure they're sure! Learn from an old crone who's already made all the mistakes

My first love was never quite 'sure' he loved me. I did everything I could to try and make him love me but he never really did. We were together 18 months and he never once said he loved me. Therefore I learnt when I was 15-16 years old that I wasn't really lovable and it took years and years and years to sort that one out

Thank you for the replies everyone, I really appreciate the advice!

@validusername1 can I ask how you think I seem extremely clingy? Not disagreeing with you or being argumentative or anything just want to learn from that perspective. I've actively tried not to be - spending all that time together was very much his idea and he's been very encouraging of me being open about what's going on with my family, telling me that I must tell him because he wants to care for me. So I'm interested in how I'm being clingy and how I can be less so?

After six weeks, this sounds way too much to me. You shouldn’t be relying on him for emotional support after such a short period of time. I think you need to focus on building up your own emotional resilience and self reliance for a while. As for him, give him some space and back off. See how it goes. Focus on yourself for a bit.

I'm not sure if I'm mentioning people right at all, but I hope I am!
@JennyHolzersGhost I think you're totally right. I fell into the trap of when he asked me to be open with him, I was. When he asked me to call him if I was upset, I did. And stupidly but maybe naturally after a while of that you get used to them being there and it stings when they're not. But you are very right and it is my responsibility that I allowed that to happen and need to focus on myself instead

Jeez, all this after just 6 weeks...take a big step back and relax OP. Let him have his time, and you have yours and breathe a bit. You've a lot going on here...put your thoughts and energy into the things you can make a difference to...supporting yourself and your loved ones

Thank-you for the advice everyone. Going to take it all on board, not contact him and focus on myself and my family for the time being!

Good luck OP. Focus on you ! You’re the most important person in your life.

Tbh I think he's probably bad news - he's engineered an intense, too much too soon few days together - and then he's backed off like you're the problem. It's quite common dating behaviour of absolute lemons players, to run hot and cold, love-bomb you and create a false intimacy, then leave you high and dry. Then they generally come back for another go. You're vulnerable right now, don't get sucked further in by this guy.