Tearful as feels like a wasted day..as is every day at the moment

[Angstridden75]

I’m feeling in bits with absolutely no one to turn to so I hope it’s ok to offload on here.

DH is fully aware of my moods and depression but I think he fuels it. I was always moody before him but since meeting him and two DC later, I feel I don’t know who I am anymore...just a pent up frustrated and depressed housewife. We went to see relatives today and we had planned a trip to the park but it’s not happened. I feel I have to run everything in the house, from housework to schoolwork to trips whilst DC are on Easter holiday. DC are outside playing and he’s gone on another good shopping trip even though he could have bought stuff on our drive home back from said relatives.

I feel trapped, I’m studying part time and working, but due to me running the house whilst he works long hours and travels, my course (luckily it’s distance learning but it’s not the point!) is suffering as I can’t concentrate and my depression has returned. It’s returned but I can’t do anything about it, if I do blow a fuse or moan, I get told I’m unreasonable or that it’s my mental condition making me not think straight. Patronised in that he can see it’s my illness talking not me, his words, but who am I?? He can’t see that he is a major contributor to it, he’s defensive if I criticise. My other big issue is, despite me trying whilst feeling exhausted, down and unwell in myself to make fresh start with perhaps moving to another part of the country/ even abroad, it’s not happened. Last week, I tidied and decluttered the whole house so he could arrange for estate agent to come and value and get the process moving. It’s not happened as apparently I’ve kept him too busy looking after the DC to sort anything. I don’t think he wants to move or has the motivation to help me sort a move. I just feel like I’m left to sort everything and I’m worn out.

This all doesn’t make sense, perhaps I’m being unreasonable and spoilt. I’m fed up with seeing people on street happy, smiling doing stuff I used to and I’m so dissatisfied and down on life.

Well done if you’ve got to the end! Any supportive words would be appreciated as I feel so isolated and lonely and down. DC are suffering, what with having a miserable, shouty mom too.

Have you been to the doctor? It sounds as though you may be depressed so it could help

I’ve been previously, I was prescribed ADs that made me suicidal. Tbh, I don’t have much faith in my GP. I’ve received counselling but again, I never felt better about myself. I think if we make a fresh start it might help but after today I’d like to make a fresh start on my own as I feel so incredibly lonely and low. I used to be so happy and fun loving but it’s eroded completely.

You don’t need pills. You need to dump your selfish unsupportive partner. He is dragging you down, keeping you down, and criticising you for being depressed about being down.

Hi OP.
I was in almost exactly the same position as you. I was studying full-time at Uni, doing everything in the house, taking care of our son who has Aspergers. My STBX couldn't organise a thing and made such a bit deal out of the little he did at home. If I criticised I was accused of being a nag and unreasonable. I couldn't win. I gave up trying to talk to him.
You are not alone. There are countless people who feel like you and it's only by opening up, on here or with friends, that you feel a little lightness.
Am not sure if you are on medication or not. It helps but if you kinda know what's caused it, it only masks it, doesn't make it go away iykwim.
In the end, I decided I couldn't live like that anymore and told my husband I wanted to separate. It's been a year now and although we are still currently part co-habiting, I feel lighter knowing I won't spend the rest of my days with him. Sounds horrible I know. Not suggesting you do that, there's a lot to consider, DC etc, where to live. But having some kind of goal may help you.

I do think he is selfish. His idea of helping is being the Jamie oliver of the house but I need more than that, when he helps I’m made to feel he is going above and beyond other men. His male colleagues don’t do as much as him apparently which makes me feel guilty and more depressed. I go through waves of guilt, anger and frustration, I never feel happy anymore.

I always have to plan and organise house and family otherwise things wouldn’t happen. I’m finding I’ve hit the wall and just want to run away. Now DC are whining and arguing, he’s home and has brought me a cup of tea but I just feel like chucking it out the window! Not at him.

Thanks for your replies, it’s reasurring nowing I’m being listened to.

The DC are screaming and he’s making them worse. When he’s away I have some semblance of organisation and calm. I love him but then again I don’t know if I do. That’s how helpless and unhappy I feel.

He doesn’t sound very loveable right now. Maybe think about what an equal partnership would look like. What would you like him to do, in an ideal world?

Could you communicate any of your thoughts to him?

Thanks, I’ve tried talking but he’s reverts back to his usual self, blaming me for being unwell mentally. He says he feels distant and withdrawn as he doesn’t know what mood I’ll be in when he gets home . I tried to discuss recently and he blew up at me so I’ve learnt to keep it to myself and give him the silent treatment until I text him a long rant with my hurt feelings.

House is a total tip now and kitchen is a bombsite from him cooking dinner. I know I should be grateful that he can provide a four course meal but I want more than being fed!

God I sound insufferable but please bear with my need to vent on here.

No, you don’t sound insufferable Angst. You sound stressed, trapped, situationally depressed. You don’t sound like you have any mental illness. You sound like a person who is drained and overwhelmed and unsupported. You sound like any of us would in that situation.

Don’t know what to suggest re your H. He sounds mean and switched off. Maybe mediation of some kind.

I sometimes think there should be marriage mediators who aren’t counsellors but assess the fairness of how all the work is divided. Someone you could hire who would say things like, and when does angst have time for her studies? And when do you manage the children on your own? Etc. Maybe I’ve found a niche in the market!

I know what you mean about the cooking and then the absolute mess. Like he’s done you a big favour when he’s actually just created an unreasonable tidying task.

Thanks Atrocious, I do think you’d be onto something with the mediation. He sets the wrong example to DC, I get the feeling that they see me as a martyr - they’re all giggling now and watching tv downstairs and I’m upset stuck up in my bedroom. I feel like I live up here just feeling sorry for myself.

I don’t know how I can put into effective words that will let him see that I’m struggling and that although I recognise he has a busy stressful job, that DC are demanding, etc, I need him to help more in the evening and understand that I’m worn out mentally. He doesn’t seem to empathise, I feel like I repeat myself with my moans!

It’s tough if he just doesn’t want to listen.

Maybe tell him that on x day you will be out of the house from 5pm - late and then take yourself off somewhere with a book. Or do a yoga class or whatever you want to.

My mediation service would be excellent. If the marriage ended in divorce, the solicitors could look at the fairness agreement and see if both parties had stuck to it. There could be financial repercussions if not...!

Maybe stop doing his laundry etc and start focusing more on you, and less on supporting him. Makes things feel unpleasant I suppose but you have been struggling unassisted for quite a while it sounds.