Reflection on past relationship - Red flags or just insecure?

[Hockering]

Reflecting on a relationship I had - and ended - after reading up on Red Flags and stuff on here as there were so many times I just felt my actions were reasonable /normal but exDP reaction left me confused and reeling. I did spy the hills and ran in their direction fast but was catching up wth an old friend this weekend who asked why it didn't work out as they'd met exDP a couple of times and found him pleasant and charming.

Was he just a jealous and insecure twit or is this just a forest of huge red flags that I was initially oblivious to?

• My birthday one week after we'd met, lavish gift of jewellery and wanting to take me away for a one night spa break.... I said I really could not afford the break and it was early days so would prefer to do that later, DP suprised me by taking me anyway and covering all costs.

• Three weeks in introducing me to his dsf/dm as "the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with"

• A two hour sulk when I commented that a TV celebrity was attractive/good looking... "so you're going off me then?". Being told it was not normal to comment on the attractiveness of others when in a relationship.

• Meltdown when I expressed interest in a 6 week course that would have taken place on one of the nights we usually met, meaning we would have to have met later (no alternatives nights due to my dc's)... "are you just doing this so you can pull away from me? ".

• Upset when we met up wth a friend and her new partner. I was chatty and laughed with the new partner who was otherwise shy as the outsider to the group... "I thought you fancied new person and were going to leave me, it was awful I felt so uncomfortable".

• Me catching up with an ex colleague who happened to be at a party DP and I attended, we were laughing and joking about people we'd worked with 10 years ago.... DP stormed out of the party without telling me of intent to leave "you were flirting with him and so I thought you were going to leave me" (nb: ex colleague was there with his wife, who I had also been chatting to and I'd introduced DP to both of them).

• Me going to a party hosted by a school run friend, DP didn't want to go but was happy for me to go apparently. I left from his house after a meal with him and the intent to return there after party... "what if you meet someone else you prefer to me and get off with them" as I left.

• Me taking a bunch of friends kids for an outing, DP accompanied us. I later posted pics on fb of the kids doing the activities and tagged the other parents (they'd requested pics, were happy for me to fb them etc) .... I did not tag DP got told "you are editing me out of your life, are you ashamed of me?"

• A camping trip away with friends - DP wanted to come but was worried about his own troubled 18 yr old DD. My DC's had a sporting commitment halfway thru the weekend so we agreed DP would join us Fri - Sat lunchtime then I would drop DP home on way to sporting event so he could spend Sat pm and Sunday with DD then I would go back to the campground with my DC to rejoin the camping trip. DP was aware of where I would be, where the sports centre was, what time I would be returning to campsite etc and I dropped him off saying "you know where I am if you need me, good luck with DD". Thought I had done the right thing factoring in all people, activities and so forth. Saturday night whilst camping I get a stream of texts about how I have abandoned DP, don't care about him, am clearly relishing being away with friends without him so I can talk about him behind his back etc etc.

• DP having a row with his adult son whilst I was at his house. DP walked out of the room without explaining departure. Leaving me with the adult son, we were all mid way thru dinner. I thought DP had gone to get a drink or summat. I felt awkward and did best to converse calmly with the son. DP then started texting from upstairs in the house "... So you'd rather be wth him than me".

• DP's car not starting one winter morning. I was home and unaware of car trouble but didn't have to take my DC to school that day... DP called me and demanded that I drive him to work, since he knew I had time to do so before my work started, it apparently wasn't feasible for him to get a bus (it really would have been) and was blasé about the fact that he had failed to renew his breakdown cover and blamed me for not having helped him to do so when he'd mentioned it a month or so earlier. I clearly didn't care enough if I couldn't be bothered to drive him to work since I'd dropped everything to help out my best mate with her disabled /life limited child a couple of weeks prior.... "you care more about your friends than me".

.... Glad I'm out of it but why did these behaviours make me doubt myself at the time?

Jeez! He sounds nuts. How long were you together? You had a lucky escape by the sound of it.

Far far too long, DP was very good at convincing me that I'd been unreasonable /inconsiderate or dismissing his own behaviour as him being "daft" or a bit pissed.

Don't have any regrets for dumping that fruitcake!
Yes, red flags all over!

Hockering have you ever read about borderline personality disorder? I’m not saying this is necessarily what your ex has, but some of the behaviour you describe seems to fit, especially his hypersensitivity to any sign that might indicate you were going to abandon him, and his paranoia that he was being negatively judged.
Was he an impulsive person? Did he have mood swings out of the blue? Did he use dramatics, guilt trips or threats of self harm to get your attention or validation? Does his history consist of intense, short-lived relationships in which he idealised his partner at first, only to switch to believing that she’s the bitch from hell?
Sorry for the armchair psychology, but I am familiar with the patterns of behaviour you describe - unfortunately in myself.

Oh Lord

I only got about a third of the way through that list and I was seriously relieved that you ended

Your friend is an idiot tbh, anyone can be polite and charming to strangers, acquaintances, even friends and colleagues - doesn’t mean they’re not an arsehole behind closed doors. In fact, many abusive men are also very charming aren’t they?

*ended it

He sounds barking!

He's a complete nutcase. Needy, whiny, self-absorbed and nuts.

Come on, how long were you with him?

Fuck red flags, that's a whole bunting store there....

Definitely did the right thing.

Red flag fecking bunting here he sounds awful.

I have dated men like this. I think a good way to feel normal again is to have a good think about and spend time with friends with functional relationships. None of the op ex behaviour is normal or acceptable it's just batshit.

Yes huge issues re abandonment and often said "one day you'll realise I'm a fuck up and leave me".... It was said, almost as a taunt (.. And turned out to be a self fulfilling prophecy!)

Also emotional stuff/rows - usually him drunk - and telling me to leave his house so I'd go then be chased down the road or blocked at the door and pleaded wth to return/not to. Me saying I just really needed to go home and chill out and step away from the situation and return when the dust had settled was always meet with "if you go now you will never come here again, that's it you will never, ever see me again...is that what you really want? If you loved me you'd stay".... Etc.

That's an Amazonian sized forest of red flags there OP !! As a pp said, many a controlling, unhinged flake is also initially a charming partner.

I think when you have a healthy, well constructed personality it's literally a shock to meet face to face with such delusion and dysfunction. It messes with your head, as apparently this person loves you, but suddenly all your normal behaviours are wrong in this case. You then start to fall down the rabbit hole of self doubt, then shame that you may have chosen a wrong 'un.

Thank god you got away.

At what point do red flags become bunting. Good grief, how did you last so long?!

You asked Was he just a jealous and insecure twit or is this just a forest of huge red flags

There was a forest of red flags caused by him being jealous and insecure.

Enough red flags to start a red flag shop
Glad it's over

More flags than fucking Glastonbury. Unhinged.

More red flags than a semaphore convention OP. Your friend is a meddling fuck wit, sorry. Don't let their outsider's perception shake your very close knowledge of that relationship.

He sounds so exactly like my exh. You poor thing. It's exhausting to the point that it's soul destroying. I was young and stupid and hung on for such a long time - thank FUCK you didn't do the same.

I do suspect borderline / emotional instability personality disordered stuff in my ex and your ex sounds very similar.

Such people can be helped - but only under their own steam. Until that point and sometimes beyond it , they are dangerously destructive to be around.

Thank you all - wise words. It was my first relationship with a man of any length post separation, it lasted over a year and I felt so confused and bewildered a lot of the time feeling that I could never do wrong from right. It is indeed a rabbit hole.

... Right from wrong even!

I was going to say borderline personality/emotional unstable, too. One of the books about this disorder is called, "I Hate You. Don't Leave Me."

These people are very charming in the beginning and ingratiate themselves with people very quickly. It's a profound desperate neediness. They are very demanding, too. They demand attention and will suck your soul right from you. They hate being alone. Everything is black or white, never gray. Never dated one, but I work with one and it's exhausting.

You did the right thing. Ridiculously insecure and needy.

BubblingUp I don't want to hijack this thread but just wanted to say please be careful what you say. I am one of "these people", but I think you'll find I'm not demanding and do not suck people's souls from them

I read up about some of the bpd stuff and abandonment issues and most of what I read was sympathetic and sought to increase understanding of how an individual with bpd might interpret a situation. I don't think anyone meant to cause offence Nomore

I found this article particularly useful as it explains almost exactly how rows escalated with my ex DP and why my "normal" reactions which I thought would diffuse a situation didn't help one bit. It doesn't change the situation but it helps me understand a bit.

pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2017/01/a-borderlines-emotional-reaction-cycle/

I'd be careful about diagnosing people if you're not qualified.

Also to pp clearly this man has some mental health issues, nice of you all to say he is "nuts" and needs to be moved away from immediately.