Should I leave him?

[barrelrider]

I just don?t know what to do. I?ve been with my husband for 6 years and we got married 3 years ago. We?ve got a 1 year old son. The beginning of the relationship was ?difficult? because he was still with someone else, who he left for me, much to her wrath. Sex was always self conscious and he suffered erectile problems, and it got from stilted to pretty much non-existent quite quickly. Anyway we were always quite happy apart from the mad ex and the sex, or so I thought, but since my little boy was born it?s totally hit the rocks. So many things about him around the time of the birth hurt and annoyed me: he only took 3 days off work despite me going through post traumatic stress disorder (which he called ?indulgence?), he was expecting me to be up and about sorting out the baby from day 1 despite agonising pain with a bad episiotomy, he was down the pub at times when I was literally so tired I couldn?t walk, I begged him to stay off work and he wouldn?t.

Not that he?s a horrible man, not at all. He lets me lie in every Saturday while he takes our son out. Does most of the cooking and hovering and washing up. But he never just takes me in his arms and kisses me or tells me he loves me. Seems totally obsessed with impressing everyone at work and looking capable. And he can be very impatient indeed. So there?s nothing left for me apart from a good domestic worker. Never just relaxes and has a laugh with me. Often seems tense and tired. And I kind of don?t care how he feels any more and get the distinct impression that that?s mutual. On top of this I really can?t stand having sex any more so we have resorted to me sorting him out every so often, so I?m constantly getting hassled for that and feeling guilty and pressurised.

I know this is making me sound totally selfish but this is only my side of the story? He tells me he feels unloved and unwanted too. So perhaps we?re just mirroring each other. But hand on heart I don?t know if I love him any more. I certainly don?t fancy him. I?ve even started fancying other people, which I never thought would happen.

So what do I do? I feel totally, utterly miserable but I know he?s not a bad man and he?s a brilliant dad. He doesn?t deserve to be miserable, but neither do I, but what about our little boy? And I want another child and haven?t got timre to find someone else (I?m 36) ? terrible reason to stay I know. I?m just going round in circles. Sometimes I wish he was having an affair so I was off the hook with sex and I could justify leaving. Can anyone help?

Hi

First question. What do you want to do? Do you want to work at this relationship or do you want to walk away?

Secondly, men are very different from us, some men, not all (having read the gratitude thread) find it diffiult to show their love in a way we would like them to (my partner included) but they do show their love in other ways i.e. by letting you have a lie in, by doing the housework, cooking etc. On ways that maybe we wouldn't regard as showing love. If you are not acknowledging all your DH's little ways of being affectionate then I can understand why he too feels unloved. I think sometimes we have to broaden our minds a little, open them up to the little things our men do for us besides the obvious kissing and cuddling.

You seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut at the moment but, if you want to get out of it then you have to work at it, you have to put in the effort. Its not just going to happen by itself.

At the moment I can imagine that you are your DH are going round in circles. His misery makes you miserable and vice versa. Someone has to be the bigger person and break this cycle and, as you are the one seeking advice on here then i nominate you to be that person

Start small. Smile at him when he comes home from work. Be nice to him even if you don't feel like being nice to him. Make yourself behave in a way that will make him feel loved and wanted and I bet you get a positive response. But don't just sit back and wait for him to make you feel loved and wanted because you might be waiting a long time. Some men need a bit of manipulation

Oh what a horrible situation you're in right now.

You obviously have a lot of past issues that need resolving before you can look at him and feel the rush of love you felt, back in the day.

A lot of talking, loads of it, opening up, is a good idea. I'm not the best for doing it, we do ours on the email during the working day (sounds ridiculous but works fantastically, no shouting etc).

Do you still love him do you think? Love goes in and out, up and down but it needs care and attention.

Do you want to make it work? Could you have counselling together or just make a plan to work on your relationship?

I'm sorry I'm not much help but someone will be along shortly to offer some more.

XX

I was reading an article in a magaine last night that said men don't respond to talking about relationship stuff at all. It says their muscles actually tense up and it prevents them from being relaxed enough to talk, its a physical reaction, they don't do it on purpose they just can't do it. It says the best time to talk reltionship issues is while he is relaxed, out for a walk together or perhaps when he is driving, when the relationship is not the main focus.

It was interesting reading

Thanks for your replies.

I do want to work at it, if only for the sake of our little one. But I guess I just can't see how to do it, so thanks for your ideas. Reading it all back it does sounds like communications issues more than anything else, coupled with incompatible sex drives.

My hormones are all over the place at the moment (just getting over an ectopic pregnancy) so I'm not sure whether this is adding to the general malaise - but I know we'd been unhappy before that to be fair.

You're right though I need to stop waiting for something to change and try and change it myself.

Sometimes, all it takes is to do the opposite of how you are feeling, smile even though you don't feel like it, just give him a hug, even if you don't feel like it. It can be easier said than done but the rewards are well worth the effort

Good luck with everything and have fun turning things around xx