Unreasonable ex

[Hannah531]

I am after some advise. My partner and I are in a committed and loving relationship. The issue is his ex. They have two girls 6 and 3. I also have children from a previous relationship.

Since our first date she has been rude and intrusive. Approaching my children’s auntie and old friends to try and dig dirt on me. (None found I’m pretty standard) she spread rumours to other mums on the school playground. It was pretty intense. (Our children happened to go to the same village school) we don’t live in the same area. Hers are on the infant side mine the middle.

To begin with she’d say things like she’s never meeting my girls ever. Then she said six months. Perfectly acceptable so we followed her wishes. 6 months up she said another year. Last week she changed that to another 3 months.

My issue isn’t the length of time. It’s the fact she’s introduced to 2 partners currently still with one. Her decision. As we have tried accommodating her wishes I feel now it is our decision to make not hers. She can’t keep holding him to ransom saying just remember I’ve never stopped you seeing your girls who he has a lot. He is very timid and doesn’t want to make her annoyed. How do I manage knowing she can control our relationship and milestones? How do I manage knowing he is so timid he couldn’t even tell her to leave me alone. I am not a danger have no history of violence or drugs etc.

I feel that her requests to not introduce me are just a way of controlling. It’s one excuse after another. It’s about the children who know about me and my children. Will it be this way forever? Bowing down to her every request even if it’s about us and not their children. She says it’s about the girls but if she is so concerned why is it ok for her to do the opposite.

Things are becoming tense between my partner and I and it seems so unjust. In my opinion he should be saying. We followed your rules you keep changing them now we will decide when and how this introduction will happen.

She wants to meet me in 3 months before I meet them (could change) but after everything she’s put me through I am too nervous to be interrogated by her. Can I say no?

Yes you can say no, but it’s your partner who needs to get a grip on this.

If he has a lot of contact now, and has done for some time, then she’s not going to be able to get away with keeping him from seeing his DC. Ok, he may suffer in the short term and may have to go to court to get an order in place, but at least then he’d have certainty and she would no longer be able to hold him to ransom like this.

TBH, if I were him I would just tell her to bog off (politely) and introduce the kids to you next time he has them. She has no “right” to insist she meets you, and you can guarantee she’ll just put another hurdle in place after she has. This is a power trip on her side, one that I’m afraid a fair percentage of mothers choose to adopt.

If your partner doesn’t grow a backbone now then it’ll just continue until the DC are adults.

Your bloke needs to grow a backbone and just tell her it's not her business. You need to tell him to either respect you and introduce the children in the next week or so, or you are leaving. And leave, because this will get worse. She is just jerking his chain.

As a stepmother I’d say it was a mistake to let her make what should have been your partners decision.
I would agree 6 months is a good length of time but he should have said it was a decision you and him were making then when she tried to say longer he needed to say no.
If there is going to be a future for your relationship in my opinion he needs to stand up to his ex now or she’ll be controlling your lives forever

Also if she let your partner meet her new blokes then yes meet with her at some point (doesn’t need to be before you meet the children) but if she didn’t just say no.
I’d suggest meeting the children then he calls his ex to let her know before the children go back

I think you should stay out of it, the introduction of kids to new partners should be left between the actual parents and if the dad isn't pushing the situation then it really isn't your place to decide what happenes with their kids. If it was important for him that the kids met you then you would have met them by now but it obviously isn't a big deal to him, it seems to be bothering you more than him. Also having opinions like "I feel now it is our decision to make not hers..." or "...we will decide when and how this introduction will happen." won't end well for you, they are very strong feeling to have about her children when you aren't even sure you feel comfortable meeting her face to face. Now she doesn't sound at all easy to live with with all the controlling typical ex behaviours, but you chose him and he chose her before you, and his kids are a product of that decision, so if you plan to continue your relationship the best thing you can do is stay out of it until he decides for himself how to handle this and then support his choice. Otherwise you will find it continues to cause problems in your relationship. Now you could ignore all that and just introduce yourself to his kids but if the ex is causing you problems now imagine how much worse it will get if you push the situation down the wrong road.

It's not her call to make. Your partner needs to grow a paid and not involve her with such decisions. It's got nothing to do with her.

Thankyou for your responses. He does want me to meet them and has tried pushing for this but she is refusing. So it is something he wants.im not pushing to meet the children my issue is the control she seems to think she has. If he said 1 year I’d be fine with HIS decision. It’s the fact she keeps changing what she expects and he fears not seeing the children if he goes against her wishes. I am happy to be polite in passing of course but the trouble she has caused me personally means I feel completely uncomfortable meeting her to be interrogated. As she put it to him she wants to put her opinions across. As far as I am concerned she only needs to know there are no safeguarding issues involving me and that we are in a committed relationship. With things the way they are I feel interrogating me will only make things worse. If he wants me to meet their children and he followed her first request then why is this still an issue she can control? We wait three months I meet her and she doesn’t like me? So still says no and he will follow her instructions because he is scared she will withhold contact. Its not strong feelings I have about ‘her’ children. They are ‘their’ children and she is being impossible so it should be down to us now. It is our relationship that she is controlling nothing to do with the children. I could do nothing but then we will never be able to progress. Family days out. No. Holidays. No. His children have seen lots of pictures etc and I worry they may wonder why I am being kept a secret. I would hate for them to feel that I am avoiding them.
I agree i think he needs to make it clear now that she is being unreasonable and that she no longer has the option to decide the ‘when’ because of how indecisive and horrible she has been.

During his contact time, it is up to him who meets his dc. If she threatens to withhold contact, then he needs to go the court route. He needs mostly to stand up to her and stop being such a wuss.

Were they married? Is there a formal order for contact?

I think he should formalise contact and then you decide when you meet the children.

How long werw they been separated before you came on the scene?

Your DP maybe timid or just a very weak person...its actually not a good strength in a partner (speaking from experience) so don't be too blinded by the strive with the ex that you forget to judge him.

Not married and 3 1/2 years.
He works two jobs to afford his place with a room for the girls. He pays maintenance plus £50 a fortnight for one on one swimming lessons and half of all clothes shoes etc he also has them 5 evenings so covers food etc. This is none of my business but he is left with £9 spare a week. There is no way he could afford court. She knows this. It’s a very difficult situation. I love that he avoids conflict it’s happened with her many times since we have been a couple it’s a quality I find endearing to a certain extent. This though for him and I is becoming too much. I will be talking to him when I see him next. Having the children 5 evenings and all day Saturday until 7pm doesn’t give us many opportunities to talk about this as obviously we don’t want either of our children to overhear.

Are you sure you want to be involved with him? It all sounds like a lot of drama and not a lot of fun! He sounds like a conflict avoided and to be honest, this is going to be it right? He hasn’t stood up to her and is swimming around it all and rather than building up your “togetherness” you are now bogged down in all of this stuff. Before you start talking to him about all of this, I’d recommend have a good think about the type of future you want for yourself

So basically he has them more than her. Pays everything and doesn't make a single decision.
He really needs to grow a backbone! There is your issue!

What RebelliousStarrChild said.
Also it doesnt matter how how much time he has them or money he spends on them leaving you little time to talk they are his kids and hes chosen to care for and clothe them if you cant handle his choices timid or otherwise he may not be the right person for you.

I have a friend in a similar situation. She got back together with an ex (they had been split for 15 years and he went on to have a dc with ex). Him and ex split over two years ago, him and my friend got back together a few months later so they have been an item again for almost two years.

My friend has still not met her bfs child and this is stopping them moving forward in their relationship or moving in together and limits how much time they see each other as he is very hands on and sees his child a lot.

His ex keeps refusing to allow them to meet and threatening to stop contact. I'm sure she won't as she relies on him and his parents far too much by the sounds of it.

He can't afford to go to court to get back custody so won't push the issue with his ex.

Along with some other issues they have personally I think she should walk away and find someone she can start a life with. One of the reasons she split with him the first time was him having no drive to move their relationship forward and taking her for granted and things seem to be the same again.

Like I said that’s non of my business. Just stating why he can’t afford court. I have no issues with any of that. It’s great he contributes so much. He do get to talk I just don’t want to talk about this subject matter when little ears might hear. Thanks for your input

It is a lot of drama. But this is it. Every other aspect of our relationship is great. Makes me sad just thinking about the prospect of not being together. I love him.

"She is being impossible so it should be down to us now..."

No not really though, it's still between them. He has to handle it himself, you should hang back and not put your self between them which is probably why she is able to easily target you and make this an issue. Listen if she stopped his contact tomorrow for whatever reason he would have to find a way to take her to court to see his kids, so telling you he doesn't want to rock the boat is an excuse and whilst you find this trait of avoiding conflict cute it is already causing you a lot of problems. If you want the relationship to survive despite this drama then I think you need to let this go until he makes it a priority himself, or you could prove her point by ending up in a dispute with her or him over this. As hard as it is you should support and encourage him in finding a solution but the solution and effort needs to come from him. I really hope you manage to work it out.

Thought I’d give you all an update.

He decided to go down the court route so January is his first hearing. It’s been very draining mentally but I’m feeling positive that this will take a lot of pressure off of him, not having to worry about losing contact. Things have definitely been up and down. Some women just have the i don’t want him but no one else can have them either attitude. Trying to support him as much as possible as he is representing himself. With the court order in place he will be able to visit his mum with them and make decisions for himself so I think it will be the making of him :) he may have sounded ‘weak’ but if I was threatened with not seeing my children, even if it was temporary such as waiting for courts I just wouldn’t risk rocking the boat either. I can’t wait to see him more relaxed about trips to zoos and stuff. Feeling happy for him and his girls