Do I take him back?

[Catherine0201]

Me and my boyfriend have had possibly the worst few months imaginable . We have had for miscarriages our last miscarriage ending a few weeks ago and we were more far gone in the pregnancy then the others. When problems started arising with this pregnancy I noticed he started to change he was moody and didn’t seem interested in a lot of things that we used to do together . I’ve put it down to the stress of what we were going through as I had to stay in hospital for a few nights due to complications with this miscarriage my boyfriend at the time was very stressed about the situation and about my health. When I was recovered my boyfriend told me needed a break From our relationship as he felt really depressed and he didn’t know what to do with himself I gave him his time and we met up the following week or so later. We said we try and give things another go however I have noticed that his behaviour hasn’t changed and he still is really down and depressed I tried to kind of ignore this behaviour as I thought it was a phase and thought that we would be able to get through it . Thursday night however I find out that he has kissed another girl when drunk at a club and not only that but he was that drunk he managed to get himself locked in a police station because he was so drunk they wanted him off the street is there so Thursday night however I find out that he has kissed another girl when drunk at a club and not only that but he was that drunk he managed to get himself locked in a police station because he was so drunk they wanted him off the street. I’m really hurts because obviously he’s kissed someone with me and him are trying to patch things over and also the fact that he’s managed to get him self in a police station it makes me genuinely concerned for him. I know this information because he rang me and told me the next afternoon when he was let out. Last night I went round to speak to him he was really upset and kept telling me how much he really regretted what happened. He said it’s not his usual behaviour to do anything like this and he is ashamed of himself and only wishes that he can be given the opportunity to try whatever he can to make things right . I’ve been seeing this man for year and a half now all filled with the most lovely and precious memories and it breaks my heart to think I have to let that go . Am I being stupid for wanting to support him whilst he’s on the road to recovery, he really wants to give things another go between us and to make things work and he’s promised me that he will seek the help that he needs , But of course I am indeed hurting after everything that’s happened

Ack. Are you now only wanting him back because he's shown he will go with other women and you're feeling insecure?
Would you be trying for a baby again? His mood changes when you're pregnant is a red flag for me.
I hope you do whatever keeps you safe and secure.

We would not be trying again as I have gone into the pill x

Sorry I forgot to mention during the time I was in the hospital my boyfriend went to the doctors where he was told he had depression x

Hang on, did you say 4 pregnancies and you’ve only known him a year and a half? Sorry, you do have my sympathy, but you really need to stop trying to conceive right now. You don’t even know him. A year and a half is no time at all to decide if someone should be the father of your child. You’re already thinking about breaking up with him, he’s kissing other girls and getting arrested. If you do decide to be with him then just don’t even think about having kids for several years to come. He sounds unstable.

I’ve known him for longer, we’ve been together just over a year and a half. Due to personal reasons for my health I came off contraception. Regardless the actions that have happened the last week are by no means a reflection of his true character which is why it’s so confusing, even his family are concerned

And fwiw I wouldn’t take him back. Sad that he’s got depression but look what you’re going through. If he’s not there for you when you need him, it’s not worth pursuing. Don’t attempt to build a life with someone you cannot rely on.

I would run for the hills, after having multiple miscarriages he should be there for you 100%. Not kissing other women and breaking the law.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through, and it is very sad that he has depression but he needs to focus on getting the professional support he needs and you need to look for someone who wont break the law and kiss other women after you've just lost a baby.

Good men don't go funny when they're partner is pregnant, they should pamper you more. You deserve better. xx

The thing is he’s been so supportive throughout the past 3 pregnancies he was amazing and I fully relied on him. Which is why I’m so reluctant to let this go because of a drunken mistake when he’s already so down about everything. I’ve been the strong one this time around and I’m coping fine, I just think he’s really struggling at the moment and that he called me and told me the truth, surely that’s worth something

I just think he’s really struggling at the moment and that he called me and told me the truth, surely that’s worth something It sounds like you've already decided what you want to do and you're just looking for people to tell you that it's ok. The way he's behaving at the moment, it is not ok. If you believe that this is totally out of character and related to depression, then tell him that you'll wait for him to finish whatever treatment the GP recommends, whether that be counselling and/or medication. Then you can consider working on the relationship.

It's a good thing that you aren't trying to conceive again as bringing a child into this mess would be the silliest and most irresponsible thing you could do right now. Especially as it sounds like you don't even live together. If he's messing about with girls in clubs and getting so drunk the police have to lock him up, are you sure the pill is the safest option for you?

I haven’t made my decision I just think the situation at the moment is awful but that isn’t him, I’m trying to help others understand why I’d be willing to give him a chance. I was always going to only stay if he gets help for his problem from a gp, and also if he puts a heck of a lot of effort into our relationship to get us back into our happy state that we’ve always been in before. We’ve had the kinda relationship my friends were envious of because how happy we both were and supportive, this is realistically the first problem we’ve ever had I’m just confused is all

Thing is he’s not regularly doing these bad things, it’s happened once and it is out of character i cannot even out into words , it’s crazy

You really wouldn’t want to stick with him would you? I would move on.

It's great that he's been supportive and you can do the same for him but being in a relationship with him is not the price you have to pay because of your shared past (and it sounds like a fair bit of his 'moody' behaviour has not been supportive but you're minimising it as emotional fallout from depression).

Whether or not he is spinning out emotionally or just being an arsehole, you don't owe him a romantic relationship. Don't get involved in a cycle of his bad behaviour and regret (rinse, repeat), let him sort that out, then if/when things are more stable you can reassess.

Miscarriages are hard to deal with. DH and I both found it hard. When life puts you under stress and gives you pain you start to see when each of you buckles and how you buckle.

He buckled too easily. When he buckled he abandoned you.

Fourth miscarriage, requiring hospitalisation and he decided to break up with you while you were recovering because he was depressed. Then there was another girl, telling you about her, drunkeness and spending the night in a cell and telling you all about it.

Having a child is much much harder than anything you've dealt with so far, even though you might not think it. He has shown that he won't be there for you when the going gets tough. He will bail.

Here you are having gone through a shit time with miscarriages and a break up at a bad time and all you and he are thinking about is how to help him feel better. Big red flag waving.

People in relationships often behave very differently to how they behave as friends. Put this one back to just friends.

Look I have taken back a boyfriend after finding out about liaisons with another woman. I know it’s difficult to convince family and friends you are doing the right thing. I think you both have a lot of issues to discuss and work through together before you can officially patch things up.
Sometimes like for me and my ex things are too far messed up to come back and we have had to end things for good now.
All I am saying is think. Do not forgive him because you are grieving the loss of your babies or feeling hurt after his betrayal.