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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I the only one that DOESNT want the father involved

21 replies

Lucoxox · 07/04/2018 10:15

So basically my childs father dumped me when I was 27 weeks pregnant for a girl at work and that's his current girlfriend now, it's been around 8 months that I've been single now, he has been in our DS life seeing him twice a week but I am getting fed up of seeing the person who caused me depression and so much hurt I just wish I could go cold turkey with him and never see him again! He says for us to be civil for our DS and to have a good friendship for our child to see us get along, but I feel like seeing him is delaying my healing process knowing that he's happy and im not, I was thinking about messaging him to arrange it through his parents or my sister to answer the door etc.. has anyone had a similar situation? Just want to avoid him completely and never see him again it's so hard!

OP posts:

Hispterwannabe · 07/04/2018 10:23

Gosh OP your ex sounds awful. It’s understandable that you would feel this way. I think it’s perfectly ok for your family to act as the intermediaries if you’re finding it especially hard.

My circumstances are similar in that the father of my unborn baby l ft the day he found out I was pregnant for OW. He’s since been in touch asking for reconciliation and is now playing the doting father card. I’m not entertaining it right now and his next move has been to tell me that he’ll force contact with the baby even if I don’t want him. More emotional manipulation.

I’ll probably adopt something similar to you OP so that I don’t have to engage.

PrettyLittIeThing · 07/04/2018 10:27

I would like my ex to see his kids but he doesn't want to (absent through choice) be glad he actually wants to see his kid. He dumped you not his child so yes I think your unreasonable. However nothing wrong with arranging it through your family.

TeachesOfPeaches · 07/04/2018 10:31

My son is soon to start having contact with my son (court ordered) and it will be taking place at a contact centre so I won't have to see him at all. Is there a contact centre near you? Otherwise get family to act as intermediaries.

EverythingsDozy · 07/04/2018 10:33

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. It's perfectly reasonable to not want to see someone who caused you so much pain. I used to hate seeing my ex when he came to pick the kids up, and unfortunately, it's something you might have for another 12-14 years, when your child is old enough to arrange contact themselves. However, when you have children with these people, it's just something you have to learn to live with. It isn't easy, but you do it because it's the best thing for your child.
I don't see why you couldn't ask someone else to do the handover, at least temporarily while you heal.

PrettyLittIeThing · 07/04/2018 10:33

Why should he see his son in a contact centre? The op hasn't said he was abusive unless I've missed it.

Fuckingitupforfree · 07/04/2018 10:35

No it wouldn't be fair to either your ex or your child no matter how hurt and envious you are.

Prettylovely · 07/04/2018 10:37

Its ok if you need to take some time out from him, and arrange the contact through someone else I cant see anything wrong with that.
You have been through alot work on yourself and build yourself up, It will benefit everyone else in the long run.

PrincessHairyMclary · 07/04/2018 10:38

It takes time to heal, it'll get better especially as your DC gets older and you get a bit of your old self back and you can find things that you enjoy doing.

He is right in that it is important for your DS to see you being civil with each other but you don't have to be friends.

You could look to see if your area allows self referalls to the contact centre or maybe ask a GP for a referall so hand overs can be done there if a family member is unable to do it.

DDs dad picks her up from school and drops her off at mine, we don't particularly chat just find out if she's eaten, hurt herself or been ill. DD is now old enough to phone him herself if she wants to share news with him. We aren't friends, we tend to sit next to each other at school events for DDs benefit and we are civil but that's as far as it goes.

spacecadet48 · 07/04/2018 10:39

How bloody awful. Your idea of contact being arranged via extended family seems perfectly reasonable. The cheek of the man to suggest you need to be seen to get on for the sake of your child! He dumped you during your bloody pregnancy and yes you need to recover from that. It's good that your not trying to stop contact with your child as there are many woman that do that. However the DC shouldn't be prevented from having a relationship with there DF and it's good that he makes the effort.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/04/2018 10:40

It’s totally fine to get someone else to do the hand overs.

Original poster

Lucoxox · 07/04/2018 10:48

He wasn't abusive so I probably wouldn't do a contact centre, but for time being I just don't want to be involved with the handover until I am a lot better could take more months, I hope I'm not being unreasonable I am still allowing access every week to see his son, I mean do you think it will affect my child in long run, he's only 3 months at the moment so doesn't understand, also when I did see my ex he did flirt with me and said I was still attractive so thought that really wasn't fair to mess my head! So further delaying the healing process, it is just so hard, I dont even want to write back to his messages anymore just feel so done with it all, I want him to maintain the relationship with our DS but I don't want to be apart of it I just want to care and look after my son without no strings attached it is a difficult situation, I'm glad im not the only one that feels like this

OP posts:

BrownTurkey · 07/04/2018 10:50

Thinking long term, its helpful for the child if seperated parents can have some degree of straightforward contact non-acrimoniously - for example, texting requests to each other, or attending important medical appointments (in the case of serious illness, for example). But arranging handovers in a way that is better for you is perfectly reasonable. And glad you are rid of him romantically at least.

PrettyLittIeThing · 07/04/2018 10:52

I don't think contact centres work like that (in my limited experience anyway) you can't just say he has to see him at a contact centre because your fancy it. He's the child's dad and rights. (Though I realise it wasn't your suggestion op.)

Mix56 · 07/04/2018 11:02

Is he on the birth certificate? Is he paying anything towards his child?
if no to both, you can stop any contact if you wish. However he is the father & you need to think about the long term benefit for DC.
You are also entitled to say, that his pick up time will be X, & another person will do this. You see no need to be friends with him. You do not want his pathetic flirting. Enough damage has been done.
You provide a new phone number/email. & say you will consult once a week. He does not need to constantly message.
if there is an emergency he can call & third party number (provided)

Justanotherzombie · 07/04/2018 11:50

You have every right not to give him access to you. But he and your son have a right to a life together. Just do handover and communication through a third party. That’s something you can decide on no matter what ex says.

Original poster

Lucoxox · 07/04/2018 11:51

He does pay for his child and is on the birth certificate but he expects me to text him often cause I went a few days without texting and he was texting he was getting worried why I wasn't getting back to him, I just doesnt know what he expects from me honestly, I want to move on and not bother with him on a personal level just for him to see his son that is it, I wanted to even let my sister deal with him cause she lives with me to deal with arrangements of times and stuff, just want to go cold turkey with him for me to heal fully for now

OP posts:

Mix56 · 07/04/2018 12:16

Good idea, he doesn't get to choose. You do not need his permission.
tell him to get on with his life & that you don't want to see him. You/he do not need to message constantly. he has his contact,

It is with Dc not with you.

spacecadet48 · 07/04/2018 12:32

Lucoxox he is a piece of work. Dumps you, flirts when he visits and then texts you and chases you when you don't respond. You need time to recover from your split never mind now being a single mum. You need to set boundaries with him and use someone else for him to organise seeing his son. The only communication required is when he is arranging to see his son. I would be worried about using your sister as he knows she is in your house and will probably bombard her as he knows she will tell you. Cant you ask your DP to help manage him as he is likely to behave with them.

Angelf1sh · 07/04/2018 18:34

You have no obligation to text your partner about anything. It’s fine to say you’re not going to do it anymore. You might even consider blocking his number on dats when he doesn’t have contact (you can unblock it when he does in case he legitimately needs to contact you). It’s also fine for your sister to do handovers. The pps who are saying you are being unreasonable are completely wrong imo, I can only assume they haven’t read your post properly. You aren’t saying you want to stop him having contact, just that you don’t want to see him. You don’t have to.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/04/2018 19:13

From what I gather; it's not that you don't want him to be involved in your son's life at all - it's that you're fine with him having a relationship with your son but you need time to heal so that you can get to the level of being civil with no emotional attachment.

You're clearly very bruised and raw over the break-up; the OW and him sending you mixed signals. These are the last issues you need as a new mother.

If your sister is willing to act as the middle-man whilst you pick yourself back up then that can only be a good thing. Don't respond to him unless it's about your son.

It is very callous that not only did he leave you when you were pregnant for an OW, he apparently wants to continue as if nothing has happened and everyone can be 'civil'. Understandably you aren't ready for that. In time you will heal.

Pinkvoid · 07/04/2018 19:42

So sorry this happened to you OP, what a twat he is...

I agree someone else should do the hand overs and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. You will get over him and it in time. You have to bear in mind that there will be lots of occasions over the span of your DS’s life where you will have to face him (school is a major one...) but I am sure by that time, you will be over it and won’t give a shiny shit.

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