OH suddenly changed his mind about having more children

[Spanneroo]

OH and I had always said we wanted to have 4 children. We are both from large families and we felt like we wanted to be outnumbered like our parents were.

We both started on prenatal/conception vitamins recently with the view to starting to TTC from May, but he's just told me that he doesn't want any more children, out of the blue. I feel completely blindsided and actually really quite upset. I know I can't force him to have more and we already have 2 wonderful, wonderful DDs so I should feel lucky really.

I'd always pictured my DDs growing up with more siblings and I never saw DD2 as the little sister, just smallest for now. I'm really crushed and not sure what to do now.

Has anyone been in a similar position and it worked out ok? I feel devastated at the moment, and I'm sort of angry with OH too (though I know it's irrational and completely his call really as not wanting more will always trump wanting more).

What’s his reasoning?

His main argunent is that it'll be financially easier on us (true, but it's not like we hadn't discussed that before).

I had this and I said well I’m not taking contraception because you’ve decided that not me so that department is up to you. Was pg soon after even when I’d warned this isn’t a good time to risk it. I think for my dh it was a lot about feeling pressured (delicate flower). Anyway he was delighted when it happened and he’s been besotted since.

This happened to me. We had had quite a traumatic time having two living children. I thought we would have one more but DH called time. In our situation it was the right and practical thing to do but I was devastated. It took about two years for the acute sadness to die down, by which time we were late thirties and life had moved on.

I don't know if it's what you want yo hear really. I gradually had to accept that yes it would now be a very bad idea to try for another child so DH had a vasectomy. It was easier to cope with the finality of the decision once the snip had been done.

Youngest is now 9 and I hardly ever get sad about it. We have been able to treat our children to more for having fewer of them. We can go on holiday much more easily and we can pay for private education if we want/need to. These seem like trite little details but they matter very much in day to day family life. The children are also able to have music lessons and buy instruments/sporting equipment more or less at will and still have room to store it.

Just to add I kind of went through it twice. First time dc were 6/7, dh said yes I had coil removed and then he changed his mind. I accepted it has coil put back in and did further study. 2/3 years later when study finished really wanted another still. He agrees and then changed mind again... had felt pushed into it. That’s when I felt bereft as was 39. Last chance. That’s when I thought I’m not having a could put in again and you make all the decisions. Anyway it’s a 10 year age gap between 2 and 3 but it works better than I could have hoped.

We're mid-late twenties so I suppose I do have the benefit of time, though we'd always wanted them close together. Mainly because I wanted the baby stage overwith!

That said, we tend to have multiple miscarriages so it took us 2 years to conceive DD2, having had 3 mc between them. It's another reason I wanted the children as young as we could as I can only imagine the mc rate will get worse as I age.

Belle can I ask how it affected your relationship with OH? I've asked him to take the girls out this morning so that I can have some space but I don't really know how to talk to him about this to let him know how I'm feeling, without him reading it as me accusing him (and getting defensive/closing up).

Crepe I may talk to him about taking contraception into his own hands. We've been planning our lives with 4 children in mind so it's not like an 'oops' will put us out drastically.

To be honest I think I'd be ok with 3 if I know when we conceive that this is the last one... I just feel so betrayed at the moment. Like a big part of my future has been taken away from me. I feel so over drammatic and ridiculous!

Ask him to compromise and go to three instead of four?

With all the trauma that it’s taken, it’s not all that surprising that he might not be up for trying again.

Sometimes the reality of having children isn’t the age as the dream. Have you thought about going to counselling to talk through your points of view?

We always wanted a big family but realistically settled on 3. It was always the plan to have 3 until I changed my mind while trying for a third.

Having gynae issues we always had trouble conceiving and TTC was always associated with planning, desperation and that familiar sense of loss when I took yet another negative test. This third time felt different for me. When I took a test - negative - I waited for that familiar devastation and was shocked to feel something totally unexpected: relief.

That told me all I needed to know. Despite our plans to have 3 I didn't want more. We hoped - and I anticipated - changing my mind again and it just wasn't the right time but it didn't happen. He always wanted more and I didn't.

He was disappointed I'm sure - it was always the plan and I did a very sudden and unexpected U-turn - but if he had any resentment he's hid it well - he understands and has accepted it.

It's very difficult when you differ on something so important and consuming so i really feel for you but - different situation, I know - we've been fine. We're happy and grateful for the two we have. I'm sorry you feel this way.

Just saw your last post, sorry. It's not ridiculous, it's understandable.

The PP makes a very good point re trauma. Counselling could certainly help. Not necessarily with the aim to get him to change his mind but you've both been through an awful lot TTC that I think it could be of benefit to both of you. Wishing you all the best.

As you are so young I would try to say to your dh OK for now but can you agree to maybe think about it in the future if / when we have more money? Or maybe just say ok then and let things settle for a while but know that he might change his mins in the future.
Take the heat off it a bit so he doesn’t get the snip to stop you talking about it.
So sorry to hear about your miscarriages, I’m sure this will also be having a big impact on his decision- Things are settled, you’ve got money going up and a baby and trying for one with possible upset could throw it all up in the air.

FWIW I do really recommend a massive age gap between dc 2 and 3. My older 2 are amazing with her and v independent. It’s like she has 4 doting parents. There’s no fighting over toys etc! I also did build up my career more and dh his in the interim and so we have more than before even with me going to part time.
Think of it as not right... now.

Spanneroo it was tough for quite a while. DH was so worried I didn't agree with him on no more children that he became absolutely intractable about all sorts of things. It was maddening. We still have stupid bits of furniture he insisted we buy even though I thought they were crap. I resent them to this day but they are too expensive to replace just because.

We are okay though and have a lovely life.

I asked if he'd consider three and he said there was no point as we'd need to upgrade the car for 3, wouldn't be the 'normal' size for anything labelled as family (holidays, hotel rooms, food packs etc) so he didn't see how having 3 was really any different to 4.

I took redundancy when I was offered it when DD2 was 3months old specifically because it meant the payout would leave us financially free to crack on with having babies and not having to factor in the cost of maternity leave (I earn more than him. It was a large payout). We agreed this as a team and now I feel like I've made a horrible mistake. It would have been easy for me to apply to an alternative role at the same company and get it, without losing any benefits and retaining my existing maternity leave arrangements. I'm angry about this part to be honest.

With regards to the losses, I can safely say that there was only one that really affected him - DD1s twin at 11 weeks (How we found out we were expecting, actually). All the others were more of a shrug and try again sort of thing for him. Sounds callous but I think he just has a hard time thinking of a pregnancy as baby. I've made peace with his view as he was supportive of my loss regardless.

Belle I'm glad to hear you were able to make it work despite the difference in your views on something so pivotal.

To be honest I'm desperately hoping he changes his mind. But if he doesn't, I hope at least the relationship can stay strong.

You gave up your career for this joint plan and now he's pulling the rug?! Not ok.

I will be able to get another job without much difficulty I'd have thought. I just feel like I would have handled the decision differently if I'd known DD2 would be my last. I'd have secured something for myself at that point, rather than leaving things open.

I just feel like we were both SO committed to having more children at that point that we agreed to do this together. And now that's changed for him while I've spent the whole time just as invested as I ever was. I think that's why I'm finding it so hard to get my head around the sudden change of heart.