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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trapped

2 replies

MonsoonMama · 07/04/2018 00:28

I honestly don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel totally trapped. I've been with my husband for 17 years, we have 2 wonderful kids aged 15 and 12. You can clock by the figures that I got pregnant early in the relationship and I certainly wouldn't have stuck with him had I not become pregnant. But I did and things were ok, never wonderful, but ok. I was the main breadwinner and reasonably happy in my career, but 2 years ago I got a new boss who took an instant dislike to me (despite having been happily at the company for 6 years with no issues at all) and to cut a long story short I ended up going off on stress and negotiating a severance. The whole thing completely knocked my confidence and I've been suffering from anxiety and depression ever since. I'm still not working (I don't have the confidence to look) but have been living off my severance and have not taken a penny from my husband. However, during this time he's not been at all supportive, on the contrary he's been nasty and demeaning, his behaviour towards me has damaged my confidence even further (exacerbating the MH issues) and I'm completely broken, a pathetic shadow of my former self. The relationship has completely broken down, we have no love or respect for each other at all, I actually called him a cnut today because of the way he was speaking to me (which I regret btw, but I was just so sick of the nasty, demeaning way he's been treating me - I smell, I look like shit, wtf do I do whilst he's out at work, why haven't I ironed his clothes, he works and I don't therefore I should do as he says and it's outrageous for me to disobey him etc etc - to reiterate, I've never ever taken a penny off the guy, not ever). There's nothing left, I believe I actually hate him and that he hates me too. The ONLY reason I'm still here is because I can't afford to get out. We live in London, I have no job, my savings are being used so as not to be financially dependent on him, I can't afford to leave him and live in London, I'm not going anywhere without my kids, my eldest is just about to do GCSEs, both my kids lives are in London, it's just a big hellhole mess and I don't know how to get myself out of it. I feel that if I could get away from him then I might have some chance of getting out of the horrendous depression/anxiety cycle and get enough confidence to get myself back in work, but financially I can't see how I can do that, so I just feel completely trapped with no hope. Please, I'm desperate, has anyone been in this situation and broken out?? What can I do?? Is there anything I can do?? I absolutely adore my kids, they are my everything and no way, no way will I leave them.

OP posts:
OrangeCrush19 · 07/04/2018 05:21

It sounds like you’re the primary carer for your children, so why would you have to leave?

Have you talked to him about splitting up? If you and your husband are both that unhappy, maybe he wants to split up too?

He sounds horrible. I really hope you find a way out Flowers

ChickenMom · 07/04/2018 05:59

Is there equity in the house? Could you separate and buy two apartments? 2 beds. Would that work? Start googling property prices. If you are primary carer then I doubt you have to leave. Why don’t you speak to him about separating? Not volatile or argumentative or shouting. Get somebody to watch the kids and ask him to meet you at a local pub. Say simply “how do you feel about us separating?” It sounds like it’s what he wants to. As soon as you are separated (even when/if he’s living in the same house) you can start claiming benefits. Start looking at what you are entitled to. Don’t make any assumptions. Housing benefit, council tax benefit plus he would have to pay maintenance. Go see a solicitor and find out what your rights are

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