Who is wrong?!?

[Surrey231]

So I’ve been on/off dating this guy for a year, we have known each other for years. I always feel like he is putting me down/making little digs at me for things I’m doing wrong. He says I need to be more appreciatitive that he is taking on my son and foster children (as I’m a foster carer also). But he says he has ‘taken them on’ he sees them once a week for about 30 minutes as he is either working or at the weekends he lays in bed until midday then goes to football all afternoon. He rarely asks about them when we speak on the phone, just talks about himself and his day. He also never initiated sex, it’s ALWAYS me which makes me feel so unattractive. On top of this he lives at home with his mum, doesn’t drive, has never had a serious GF at 37 and the other day said I will never achieve the things he has in life!!!!! As I wrote this absolute rant I know I am mad to be with him but how can he always make me feel like I’m in the wrong? Tell me that it’s always my fault? Sometimes I am so brain dead by it all that I cry and cry or just feel nothing. Someone please help!

He sounds like an absolute loser. Why on earth did you want to be in a relationship with him?!

I can help! Dump the fucker! Honest to god, woman, what benefits are you getting from this relationship? His derogatory comments? His patronising ‘I’m taking on your son and foster children’? Doe he want a fucking medal?! He sounds like a twat.

What has he, at 37 and living with his mum, achieved that you haven’t? You have made countless children’s lives better by fostering. What has he ever done? He does not deserve you.

Honestly, this is not someone I’d want round my children/foster children (not that he really is, right now). He sounds utterly deluded - does he really think he’s such a prize? Bizarre!

I’d be letting this guy go...I wouldn’t be putting myself up for criticism or demands for appreciation from him!

Thanks for your comments. Problem is I have this constant feeling of ‘can’t be bothered’ not with the kids but with anything to do with myself like seeing my friends or anything. I know it’s him making me feel like this.

You don't have kids together, you don't even live together, no real ties, so easy peasy to just walk away. Honestly, he's not contributing anything positive to your life, move on!

Aww bless you he doesn't sound like the right guy for you or your children you don't want the children looking up to him as a roll model you don't want them thinking this is how you a lady . He is in the wrong don't ever have him thinking your in the wrong . He taking the piss out of you . You are very kind hearted lady very caring and you deserve to be loved by some one who wants you and for them to want to know your children and help you raise your beautiful children .
Am just thinking if one of children came to you when there older and was with a man (I wouldn't even call him that) like him what advice would you tell them if am right then you know the answer hun . To me it seems like he doesn't see you as a girlfriend more like a mum to him as he living at home with his mum he's imature and he hasnt accomplished anything in life where for you your making children's life happy again . If I was in your shoes I dump him but easy said then done talk to him tell he needs to make more of effort with you and kids if you want him to and if he starts blaming you for anything you no it has to end . I hope it works out for you god bless you

He's bringing you down and adding nothing to your life. I think you know the answer here.

It's absolutely fantastic that you foster; you really don't need this loser in your life. Deluded is right!

"Taking on" the kids indeed. Obnoxious prick. If you weren't so down it would actually be laughable.

I think you have a happier future ahead without this drain but if you have a hard time picking yourself up and still have little motivation and energy maybe consider going to the GP in case you need a little support but it may indeed be all his doing. Good luck.

I despise the term "taken on" with reference to children. So negative.

He sounds horrendous. Please dump him immediately.

OP, you've described living in a Sick System which keeps you too brain dead to have the energy to end it.

When you write As I wrote this absolute rant I know I am mad to be with him but how can he always make me feel like I’m in the wrong? you've got one word wrong that changes everything. Swap but for because

A decent man would appreciate you and your children allowing him to be part of your children's lives.
Get rid - you all deserve so much better.
Let him go and be successful elsewhere, you wouldn't want to hold him back

runrabbit that link is like reading about my whole marriage and ex H. Thank you for posting it.

OP this man is dragging you down to his level. Please don’t let him do it to you any longer. You sound tired and a bit depressed. Get rid and liberate yourself from his influence. There’s a good reason why he’s never had a serious girlfrind .... it’s because he’s a lazy, controlling, waste of space. You sound like a great person ... it takes guts, strength and commitment to foster kids and that’s the person you are. Find a man with the same qualities who will support you and enhance your life.

This man sounds like a twat, do you really want to be with a twat?

He's making you feel awful about yourself. Why on earth are you spending your time with him? Get rid. You'll feel so much better.

Thanks for this everyone. Tonight I told him he either needs to be more supportive and want to be part of this family in a positive way or leave, he made out like I was crazy and told me all of it was my doing so I asked him to leave my house. Whilst I can’t stop shaking I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Well done, OP. You deserve a partner who makes your life better. Good luck. Here's to a happier future for you and your family.

Well done! The shaking is normal. Deep breaths. Go and get yourself a hot drink and something sweet.

And give yourself a massive pat on the back.

You'll likely be up and down for a while. Don't doubt yourself - you did the right thing!

Well done! You and your little family deserve better. If he is not capable of understanding that, he needs to leave.

Even though it is very scary, you need him to Be Not in your life, because you need a gap in order that you ever stand a chance of someone lovely might step into it!

In fact, you may well find the gap he leaves isn’t a space of empty loneliness, but a space of peace, and respect, and calm. Where you can surround yourself with love and warmth and everything good and kind and nice. It will feel Very different from what this man brings to you at the moment...

You're going to find yourself feeling a whole lot better very, very soon. This useless, unpleasant prick has been dragging you down, and now you're rid of him and can start making a good life for yourself and your DC. If you want a partner, you can do a lot better than the likes of him, because 'dick is abundant and low value' - it's never worth hanging on to a shitty man in order not to be single when being single is wonderful.

If you have to return any of his belongings or retrieve any of yours from his place, get that over with and tell him not to contact you ever again. Then enjoy your life.