WWYD?

[LesAnya]

I will try to include as much information as possible to avoid dripfeeding so please bear with me.

I am in my mid twenties and currently live at home with my parents. I have one sibling who is late twenties, lives on their own. Sibling has been single for around 5 years, although has dated - which on several occasions has resulted in them unknowingly dating someone already in a relationship. My boyfriend is also in his late twenties, in the forces so lives on the base most of the week, we see each other when we can both during the week and at weekends. We have been together for around 2 years, so not a long time in the greater sense of things, but we are both committed to our relationship and talk about/are actively planning for the future.

As we don’t live on our own yet, it happens that my parents are around when my boyfriend is. They are happy with this, they have a good relationship with him and enjoy his company. Occasionally my sibling comes home for the weekend/dinner etc and has said in the past that they feel like a third wheel and that it’s weird how my parents like my boyfriend. My boyfriend also came by for our Christmas lunch and they felt this was too much as it never happened during any of their previous relationships. Sibling also finds it “odd” and “uncomfortable” how my parents suggest the idea of a family get together i.e. lunch out and say quite openly that my boyfriend is invited.

I respect that my sibling may find this awkward at times as they are currently single however they are more than happy to benefit from my relationship when it suits them i.e asking to attend a work function as a guest of my boyfriend.

WWYD in this situation? I feel like piggy in the middle, especially as my sibling generally only talks about how they feel when we are alone - they have not mentioned it to our parents. I do think that bringing it up will be taken as an attack on the fact that they are not in a relationship which is not my intention, but I do feel that something needs to be said as ultimately I consider my boyfriend family - if we didn’t end up together in the long run, we would still be good friends.

Sibling has got face on... Tell them to chill

Your sibling needs to get a grip.
This is more about them than anything else.

Try to ignore it but don’t tolerate it

Its your parents that matter as its their home.
You could tell the sibling that you are at a different place to in terms of relatioships to your sister.
It could be that he is around too much.
What do your parents say?
Is he there every mid week and weekend? In your room or hanging around and sleeping over?
Its really down to your parents and what they allow.. you could talk and compromise or one of you move out or ignore the comments.

It would totally change the family dynamic though. People feel they can relax totally in front of their family and now your bf is always there she might feel she has to be 'on'

Not saying she is right or wrong to feel that way. What can she do? One day you might feel that her bf makes family events feel weird.

LadyTesticlee after the first time it came up I spoke to my parents about it separately. They have both said that they are more than happy for him to be here - my DF is ex forces so understands that whilst my boyfriend may live on base, it is by no means a home iyswim? He comes over maybe once during the week and occasionally stays over, but more often than not will head back. At the weekend we rotate it so I go to the base sometimes and sometimes he comes here. Recently I went to the base a couple of weekends in a row and my DM said that I didn’t have to, we were both welcome at home.

My ex was army as was my dad. It's lovely your family are welcoming your boyfriend.

Suspect sibling is jealous and needs to wind neck in tbh. Providing boyfriend NOT always there.

That said - how is sibling going to cope if/when he becomes bil? Of course he'd be at family occasions and at your parents when you are then.

Sibling wanting to go to boyfriends work do's suggests trying to find a similar relationship.

Thank you Graphista it’s really lovely to see them getting on so well - they were never this nice to my ex!

I genuinely don’t know how my sibling would react if we were to get engaged. They have previous for saying how I couldn’t possibly get married before them

Of course you can get married before them, but I bet they'd spit dummy out!!

Personally I'd operate on an "it works both ways" premise. They don't like hanging out with your boyfriend at your parents, they don't get to tag along to do's either.

Your sibling is jealous that you have a solid relationship with your boyfriend where they have failed and also jealous that your parents have taken to him so well. You are not in the wrong here. But as it's your sibling I feel you need to be tactful. If the boot was on the other foot, you'd probably feel the same as them. Hopefully, they will soon find someone who your parents will equally welcome and all will be well.

Give them a grip...?

You can’t let your sibling dictate things to you. They sound controllling and jealous.

Carry on as you are and let them get their knickers in a twist if they want

I was your sibling once (20 years ago) with my DB's girlfriend. I did feel a bit uncomfortable to start with, home wasn't quite so relaxing and my parents bent over backwards (my mum kept saying I'd gained a sister!) and I felt somehow out of the family loop a bit.

The good news is I got over myself quite quickly. She's been my SIL for 15 years and I think she's probably one of the nicest people on the planet, if I died I want her to be involved with my kids, and my DB is very, very lucky.
In your place, I'd nod, acknowledge siblings feelings as best you can and then just crack in with your life.

It sounds like pure jealousy. I’m presuming it’s a sister? I guarantee the second she gets a new partner, she’ll be pushing for him to be accepted as your BF is. Have you spoken to your sib about why they’re being so weird?

Thank you all for your replies - interesting to see an outside POV as I am used to how my sibling is after a lifetime! Notonthestairs thank you for sharing the flip side and how it’s turned out alright in the end.

I have tried a soft approach to the subject i.e. “why do you feel that way” and have mentioned that he isn’t going anywhere but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I haven’t pushed hard for reasons as I think it would end up with them going off the deep end