Honest opinions wanted!

[KathH]

This is long - sorry in advance. Me & dh have been together for 15 yrs. Kids are aged 14, 10, 8 & 2. I've recently got to the point where I actually cant stand being in the same room as DH. I had PND after the youngest, dh was particularly unsupportive. Since then I've managed to drag myself out of it, got promoted at work, studied for exams at work & somehow managed to pass. It's been an ongoing problem for years but dh will not lift a finger round the house. When I was on maternity leave with the youngest he accused me of sitting on my arse all day doing sod all. He does work crappy shifts at work but he thinks that just because he works official long hours it justifies him doing absolutely nothing when he's at home. I'm slowly reaching breaking point. I just cant get through to him that I have quite a responsible job as well and then have a house & 4 kids to deal with when I get home. He thinks all will be solved if only I'd start swing from chandeliers of an evening. I cant bear the thought of living the rest of my life like this. Typical example yesterday - he had the day off, I was at work. When I got in I said to him I do think you could of loaded the dishwasher instead of leaving dirty pots overflowing from the sink, he said well if you're just going to start nagging & being arsey the second you get in. I said if you'd put the pots in the dishwasher then I wouldnt have to say anything. He said oh kids, nobody breathe mums in a mood. I know this doesnt sound like much but its the same everyday, day after day. I cant live the rest of my life like this!

I think there are two options; one you play him at his own game and do nothing, but really I guess nothing will get done and the kids will really suffer. Two, you re-read your post back, imagine it's someone else and I think you know what you want to do, it's just a matter of being able to. I can only imagine how hard it is but I think you know the answer already. HTH?

Meant to add, tonight he cooked pork for my tea. In the 15 yrs I'vee known him I've never liked pork but because I took the pork off my plate & put it on his I'm an ungrateful cow. Cant stand how everything no matter how small is picked over & analysed. We're either having constant rows or sulks.

Thanks bramblina, I guess part of the problem is that I've made my mind up but am a bit of a coward

I agree with bramblina ... poor you

You're not bigamously married to my soon-to-be-ex by any chance?!

do you think he is happy?
doesnt sound like either of you guys are enjoying things....time to spill??? and tell him what you feel?

Is this the model of marriage you want for your kids?

If you've made up your mind the relationship is over there is only the detail of how and when to leave which is to be addressed. Do you want him to move out? If you tell him you want him to move out, what do you think his reaction will be.

My ex-DH (who was no where near this bad) was horrified when I said I was moving out and promised things would be different - seven times - but when I actually really decided I was going I couldn't even hear his protests because I was set on my course and I just wanted to sort out the divorce pronto.

In retrospect, it's not good to rush into this sort of thing. At least for me. We had no kids so it was much easier but even so, it's exhausting.

Have you tried VERY SPECIFICALLY telling him what you want - e.g. I want you to do the dishes AND load the washing machine three times a week. If you do that, I'll try and be nicer to you.

Also don't overlook the value of good old fashioned politeness. My ex-dh and I never really got on but we agreed to be polite to each other for one month and it made a lot of difference (not that much obviously, he's still and ex) but it can help.

Sorry should have said, what's his family pattern in this area. My DH had a housekeeper when he was a kid and his mum AND dad did sod all round the house so it's hard for him to realise that things need doing! He's getting better though and will change nappies, load the washer and clean the kitchen - although like all men he cleans round things!

it does sound to me like you've made your mind up. what does he say to your argument that you work as well? how does he justify doing nothing?

sounds like my teenage son tbh. I know how utterly wretched it is living with someone like this, but my boy is 16 not a grown man! Have you gone to couples counselling yet? At least you'd get the chance to listen to eachother - read: you'd get the chance to say your bit. (Don't say he won't go - it's either that or you split tell him.) I tend to think that leaving a marriage is the very last resort, especially if it's over something like this (however gruelling it is) as the kids suffer so much from a split. At least turn over every stone eg couples counselling etc? You have my sympathy Kath.

Thanks for your replies - much appreciated. Tonight we have managed to have a blazing row over a sodding bag of chips. I have to get out - I really cant live the rest of my life like this.

I hate to point this out but if you left him and took the kids, you'd still be on your own to do the h/work, school run and work stuff. I'm not advocating that you stay with him for the sake of it but are you sure that the marriage is really dead in the water?

Your dh might be feeling unhappy as well (and possibly neglected) and not helping around the house is a way of demonstrating this. Or he could be a lazy arse .

Certainly relate or similar counselling service should help. In the meantime is it possible for you to stop with a friend for a couple of days to get a breathing space?

What do the kids think about it as well - are they showing signs of unhappiness?

Chocolattegirl - appreciate your thoughts but what I cant get out of my mind is would I be any worse off without dh? I did after the row with the packet of chips tell him that I thought we were making each other unhappy & the kids unhappy - he says all I do is pick on him. I guess he's right. I'm so pissed off I cant even begin to make an effort anymore. I know I'm probably being childish but I'm so pissed off that he's not even bothered that I want to go. Have started to look at places to rent. Kids are really unhappy - dh has the ability to make them cry within 15 seconds of him walking through the door - I know its probably because he's pissed off with me which is part of the reason I'm not going to do this anymore. He's now gone to bed without even mentioning that I told him I thought we should split & he'll be at work tomorrow & Sunday.

It's hard doing everything on your own, but imo it is infinitely easier than doing everything when somebody else is supposed to be sharing the workload and not. Feeling unappreciated and put upon absolutely drains the tank big time = exhaustion in a nanosecond.

Your kids will be suffering in this poisonous environment Kath - please get to a 'relationship doctor' to spare them the brunt of it. I know that's blunt, but it's hell for them and they're kids and can't make sense of it, only feel the misery; you're the grown-ups. Please protect them and offload the seeping/explosive bile in a safe environment ie with someone who is trained to listen and direct it. Please!

Don't bite my head off! Oh alright go on then...