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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

You can never truly know a person can you

49 replies

Maybellissimo · 06/04/2018 12:03

So upset right now. My sister and her two kids are staying with me right now as she has left her dh. We all loved him deeply, they have been together for 18 years, he dotes on her (or so we all thought) been really dedicated to the kids, is funny, jovial, amazing company and a really caring empathetic man. Until she discovered he has been sexting other women he has met through his job (plumber) and sending them disgusting pictures of himself masturbating and they have sent him similar ones. She found a video on his phone of him having sex with a woman. To say we are all in shock is an understatement. It’s like we are all bereaved and can’t stop crying. We are a close knit family and I know she will get through this but she is in shock that the whole she has been married to a massive sex pervert masquerading as a devoted family man. So sad right now.

OP posts:

PrettyLittIeThing · 06/04/2018 12:25

Similar thing happened to my sister. She found her (now ex dh) had 121 pictures of himself in his phone with different women. Disgusting. Hope she doesn't go back to him. When did she find it?

Wedontbelievewhatsontv · 06/04/2018 12:40

How very sad for your sister and her family. I can understand your trust and confidence in judgement of character has been shaken. I don't think you can ever know someone, tho we like to think we can . We can assume and predict about them and most of the time we are right... it is shocking when we are wrong. I could never trust a man 100% . I've been in several long term relationships and my current partner and i have been together 20 years. I'm not a jealous or possessive person- its definitely not that - but I have thought you'd need to be foolish to not keep a tiny percentage of your brain on guard. It's a protection thing .I have had many arguments with friends about this. "How can I not trust my partner 100%?"etc In every day life I trust him and we go about life very normally but I am always open to any sign that i would need to protect myself or my family . I have phrased it badly..maybe I always have a tiny pirtion of my brain on alert for signs that something may be wrong.
You sound lovely and caring and just what yoyr sister needs to help her through. It's ok to cry together.

Lizzie48 · 06/04/2018 13:00

TRIGGER WARNING

I agree that you can never trust anyone 100%. My DM has been devastated to realise that my father, who she was married to for 31 years until he died 20 years ago, was abusing my DSis and me and other girls. She's said things about him that should have rung alarm bells but she stuck her head in the sand.

You can never know another person 100%, so it's much better not to be totally trusting actually.

I'm so sorry your sister has gone through this, and I can understand why you're so hurt.

pigeondujour · 06/04/2018 13:02

Couldn't agree more wedont. And OP, it absolutely is like a bereavement. for you and your family.

Quantumblue · 06/04/2018 13:10

Our family going through something similar . S-I-l's H walked out after nearly 30 years and turns out to have been having a long affair. We all feel betrayed and bereaved as our families are very close. It is deeply shocking when you have known someone for decades and assumed they were a good person.

Bettalife · 06/04/2018 13:17

Sadly your sister and family are not alone. I kicked STBX out at the end of January after discovering he had a secret email account that he had been using to exchange photos and videos with numerous women he had met on no-strings dating websites as well as references to webcam sessions. This was on top of last year’s discovery of his secret gambling addiction.

I am still devastated and trying to hold it together for our DCs.

I still can’t fathom how I was duped for so long (together for 16 years and married for 13). He’s not the man I thought he was. I thought I knew him but in reality I never did - I only saw what he wanted me to see. The emails went right back to the year we were married.

Your sister is lucky to have such a supportive family to help her through. I have been so thankful to my wonderful family and friends over recent weeks.

Butterymuffin · 06/04/2018 13:24

It's true. I haven't had such a devastating experience as some posters here, in terms of a spouse or parent's actions, but I have been in the position of being betrayed by someone close to me who I would have sworn black and blue would never do such a thing. I often think when people say on here 'DH / DP / whoever would never do that' that sadly you can't be 100% sure. People can change dramatically for the worst, or reveal awful but well-hidden sides to their character.

yetmorecrap · 06/04/2018 15:05

The old expression was ‘it’s the quiet ones that can be the worst’ and I certainly can empathise with the opinion that it’s the people you often least expect to have a hidden not very nice side to them, who so often do!!

SandyY2K · 06/04/2018 15:38

Sorry for your dear sis and all if you. People never cease to amaze you in life.

This need to record yourself having sex really beats me.

tinkerbellax · 06/04/2018 16:11

Happened to me after nearly 2 decades. It broke my heart and he's still with her. She's 20 years younger and I think it's just a midlife crisis. She's nothing to look at

Original poster

Maybellissimo · 06/04/2018 17:18

Thank you for sharing your stories. I’ve shown them to her and she said it’s good to know she’s not alone. Lizzie48 how awful I’m so sorry that happened to you.

OP posts:

Quietlife1979 · 06/04/2018 17:21

No you can’t.

I have a far worse story than that but it’s conpletly outting and would be hurtful to family read it.

People only show you what your allowed to see.

RatRolyPoly · 06/04/2018 17:52

Yep, I too have a story too devastating to tell, but no. You never really know a person.

Most people don't even really know themselves. But that's how they do these terrible things isn't it. All the signs are there that they're a low-life scumbag but they just don't want to see it. They think they're still a good man, a good father, and that this was just "something else". They don't want to face the reality that really they're nothing but the worst kind of cunt.

Timefortea99 · 06/04/2018 18:03

The internet has really facilitated men to behave badly hasn’t it. The ultimate enabler. I am sure that years ago a man would not have done this purely because of the lack of opportunity. I truly think the time has now gone for faithful relationships now. Men just want sex. When George Micheal was arrested in LA, he said that heterosexual men would act like gay men if they could, casual hook ups without having to go through the romantic motions. And now hetro men now can behave the same way, and they are not slow to take advantage of this on tap sex.

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/04/2018 18:56

Yep. I trusted and adored my ex. Everyone said what a great couple we were, how in love we were, how he obviously utterly adored me.

When I told everyone that he'd left me, everyone assumed it was a joke or I'd had my account hacked. Gobsmacked doesn't even cover it. And it's taken me nearly seven years to get over it properly. The man who said that, if I died, he'd have to kill himself because he couldn't face life without me, took off without a backwards glance.

Lizzie48 · 06/04/2018 19:01

Thank you for the kind words, @Maybellissimo it's made it very hard to form close relationships with people, I hold them at arm's length. It's not a great way to be, but it does mean I have my eyes open and will always do all I can to make sure my DDs are safe.

It's always good to keep your eyes open, because it's never possible to really know anyone when it comes right down to it.

Scribblegirl · 06/04/2018 19:06

We have a good friend who has done similar to his fiancé. I'm finding it hard to reconcile being a good friend with feeling about his actions.

There is a fine line between trust and love and looking out for yourself. It's very difficult.

Sadly this has happened to so many people I know, and - while I hate to generalise - it is usually the women who are shafted. I said this to OH the other day and he got a bit uppity, so I asked him to list the number of times we in friends/family/acquaintances etc have seen the woman fuck over the bloke. He had a grand total of ...zero. I lost count after 25

MsGameandWatching · 06/04/2018 19:18

My ex H went to work one day, taking the packed lunch I had made for him - salmon salad if you're interested as he was on a health kick - he didn't call all day, unusual as I was pregnant and we'd speak about two or three times a day usually and he didn't come home that night. The next morning it was though a stranger walked into the house. He was impatient, uninterested in anything I had to say and came up with some flimsy excuse for why he had stayed out the night before. We stayed together a further five years and I never saw the kind, gentle man I had married again. I found out towards the end of the five years that he had been cheating the whole time, starting that first time that he stayed out all night. Countless women. He became increasingly aggressive and abusive over that time too. I could never trust a man again because he literally walked out the door as a loving devoted husband and walked back in 24 hours later a complete arsehole, the change was that quick and complete. There were probably signs but they were so small that I certainly never picked up on them. So I agree with you OP, you just never know.

serialcheat · 06/04/2018 22:17

It's so hard, you have to be strong for your sister and the children, but you need to ' grieve ' for yourself........

Good thoughts to you both.

waxedlyrical · 06/04/2018 22:30

No you can't. Guy at work. Mid thirties, gorgeous wife, two little kids. Everyone adores him; he's friendly, successful, doting parent, model husband etc. Just been promoted. Can do no wrong.

Except I've been shagging him for three months and he shows no remorse whatsoever for his family.

No one knows and I honestly believe no one would believe me if they did know.

Quietlife1979 · 06/04/2018 22:36

wax sort yourself out

MsGameandWatching · 06/04/2018 22:37

Why don't you just stop shagging him? Serious question. Why are you doing that?

Minime85 · 06/04/2018 22:37

So sorry to hear what has happened to your sister and the children involved too.

polkadotrocks · 06/04/2018 22:42

Wax...you should be ashamed of yourself

to everyone who has been through this

lattewith3shotsplease · 06/04/2018 22:45

for all you amazing Ladies {and families} who've been treated so badly.

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